Go Big or Go Home

I haven't been on a real, adult vacation...ever. I've gone away with my family and visited Radford solo, but I've never done a romantic, couples vacation. I was pretty excited when Antonio proposed going to Atlantic City for an extended weekend getaway. We had a great room with amazing views of the marina and the most stunning bathroom that I'd ever seen. And I've always heard about the first thing couples do when they check into a hotel...it's true.

Of course the main attraction in a casino is to play. I took out the first $20 from the ATM and it didn't last long. I started with the Sex and the City slot machine. That seemed like it'd be the perfect slot machine for me, but it didn't work. I blew through that $20 in about ten minutes. The following day we went back to those slot machines and this big, old lady was going crazy because she was winning. She was jumping up and down and praising the machine. Then the people next to her were rubbing their machines with the lady's handkerchief or something. Antonio and I decided to try the table games. We were so nervous to try blackjack because the lady overseeing the tables seemed like a bitch and we didn't want to look stupid. But we tried and they were both hospitable and helpful. They explained the rules to us and even gave us advice about when to hold and when to hit. We lost the chips that we bought, but it was a fun experience. My last experience with the tables was roulette. I sat at that table like such a beginner. The rules are pretty straight forward, so I felt like I fit in at the table. I bought $20 worth of chips and you have to play at least $10 each hand. I'd lose and then I'd win and then I'd lose and then I'd win. In the end I lost the $20 that I'd started with. But it's fun just to play, though it's going to suck not buying groceries until Thursday. Now I know why they say bet with your head, not over it.

I think that a vacation is really a break from your normal life. My normal life consists of egg whites, tuna salad, and baked chicken. For this trip, I went all out. We did the buffet for dinner one night and breakfast for two mornings. It was incredible. Imagine all your favorite (aka unhealthy) foods and then imagine that you can have all of them and as much as you want. That's exactly what we had! Bananas foster with waffles, hash browns, scrambled eggs, eggs benedict, biscuits with gravy, fresh fruit, bacon and sausage, sounds good doesn't it? But that's not the menu, that's what I ate for breakfast yesterday morning. I rarely (let's just go with never) let myself go like that, so it was really enjoyable. Antonio and I thought about how fat people must not really enjoy their food. We never eat that so the first bite of a crispy, fried shrimp was like nirvana. Even today as we were driving on the New Jersey turnpike, I indulged in my last vacation temptation - a king-sized Payday and Reese's Sweet and Salty bar. But, alas, tomorrow it's back to oatmeal and almonds.

The best part of the trip was all the time I got to spend with Antonio. Dating in New York is great, but being together all the time in the real world is a big test. It was a big step in our relationship and I think it couldn't have gone better. When we were lounging by the pool, I was reading the Star. They had six different photos of Katy Perry in various promotional appearances. I picked my favorite and asked if Antonio could guess my favorite look. It really surprised but he picked it out on the first guess. We really bonded over video poker. Neither of us were 100% sure of the rules for poker, but we figured it out. With the help of the onscreen tutorials and some online hints on Antonio’s Blackberry, we handled ourselves alright. He played so much on those machines. We would get so excited when he'd get three of a kind of two pair, which is like really low hands. We looked like a bunch of queens, but it was so much fun!

Lora and I always used to say go big or go home. I went big and lost some money, but I went home while riding in the passenger seat in my amazing boyfriend's car so I feel like I came home a winner :-)

Pre-Departure

Antonio and I will be saying goodbye to summer in style. We're going to Atlantic City and staying at the posh Borgata hotel, which is where they filmed the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion. I have very high hopes for this trip. I'm going into with this naive belief that I'm going to strike it rich, though I'd be happy if I break even. I've never gambled much, but I know how addicting it can be. Let's hope I don't double or nothing until I have nothing.

This trip also makes me nervous. 4 days! We'll be together for four days. That brings up, for me, a lot of logistical issues. Where am I going to go to the bathroom? I would think I'd go to the lobby like I've done in the past, but that seems ridiculous. Oh, being inside my head is exhausting.

I think this is a good step for us. It's like the next step - the first trip. I'm just looking forward to having fun with the guy that I love. We'll relax by the pool, gamble, eat and drink, and RELAX. I feel like I need to recharge. My body is sore and tired from the constant New York pace and hardcore workouts. This little vacation is exactly what I need.

Never Done

Cupcakes are done when you put a knife and the middle and the knife comes out clean. Chicken is done when you cut it in half and the center is no longer pink. For so many things, it's easy to tell when it is done. But what about people? How can you tell when you're done?

Antonio and I joke about how the gays love to go to the gym. It's true. Go down to Chelsea on a Friday night and you'll feel like you're stepping onto a photo shoot for the new A&F quarterly. It's intimidating and does a number on your self-esteem. Sure they're fun to look at and maybe even drool over, but when does that becoming damaging?

I now go to the gym 7 days a week. I have a strict routine on a rotating cycle so that each muscle group is worked just enough and always plan for yoga on Sunday nights. I take supplements before I go to the gym to help strengthen my workout. I take supplements after my workout to repair and build my muscles. And to be honest, I truly enjoy it. I love the feeling I get before I go to the gym. I think it's exciting to see the transformation.

But when does that become too much? When will I be happy with myself? When will I stop overanalyzing every part of my body in the mirror? I tell myself it's when I look like the Armani ad in the Meatpacking District (half joking). Even as I sit on my bed typing this, I'm looking at my abs and wish the skin was the tighter. I look out the window and catch a glimpse of my arm and wish it was bigger.

I tell myself that I just have to keep working hard and then one day it will all be worth it. When do you cross over from healthy, body maintenance into an unhealthy, obsessive quest? As Antonio says, "maybe you should analyze that."

I'll ponder these things for a while and try to come up with an answer. But, I should go to bed - I've got to have energy for the day. Today is biceps, triceps and obliques.

Bed

There a few things that most Americans get used to and eventually take for granted. Let's skip food, shelter, clothing - those are givens. I'm talking about the 21st century version of the necessities. Cable television, cell phones, and iPods - now those are the things that people can't live without. I have all those things, but I have gone without a more basic luxuries. A bed.

I've been sleeping on an air mattress since the middle of August 2009. At first it was fine. I was new to the city and money was tight. After a while, I just forgot what it was like to sleep on a real bed. Eventually, it became clear that Ari, Spencer and I would not be able to live together for much longer. Once Spencer and I talked about moving out and getting a new apartment in a nicer neighborhood, I didn't see a point in buying a bed. It would just be one more thing that I'd have to move. A once we finally moved, again money was in short supply. We had so many other expenses that kept popping up and a bed became an unnecessary (and, to be honest, impossible) luxury.

But then I got a miracle in disguise. My air mattress got a leaked. I can't find where it's coming from, but it's obvious that the ship is taking on water. I'd wake up in the middle of the night and literally be on the floor. I dealt it for a while until Spencer mentioned that I should check out financing a bed. I hadn't even thought about it. But I talked with the salesman at Sleepy's and I was approved for a 6 month plan. As long as I pay off my bed within 6 months, they won't charge me any interest. I only wish that I'd know about it before.

Tonight is going to be my first night in my new bed and I'm so excited. I went to Target and bought fancy sheets and a bed skirt (or dust ruffle as Bunny McDougal calls it). I feel like I'm finally home!

Buffy: My Gay Hero

I recently found out that we get Logo, a gay-themed cable channel. I was a little surprised that when I saw they regularly show Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I remember watching that with my family when I was growing up. Why would they show it on a channel designed for gay audiences? Oh well, I thought I'd watch a few episodes for old time's sake. I got lucky and they had the two-part season finale from one of the early seasons. I realized as I watched them why they were on Logo.

Here's a little background of what's going on in the show. Buffy, a beautiful, blonde high school student is the chosen one. Her destiny is to slay vampires. Her identity must remain a secret except to the small group of friends who know who she is. She fell in love with a vampire named Angel, who was given his soul back (aka, he's a good guy). After she and Angel have sex, he loses his soul and becomes evil again. He plans on opening a portal that will pull the entire world into hell. It sounds a little cheesy, but the way the show was done was amazing.

In the final episode of the season, Buffy is accused of killing people by the local police and her principal. She goes home and eventually has to tell her mother that she's the slayer. Her mother has trouble accepting the news and a huge fight ensues. Buffy has to leave to stop Angel from destroying the world. Her mom tells her that if she leaves, she had better not even think of coming back. Buffy goes to fight Angel and then he gets his soul back right before she is about to kill him (thanks to Willow, a witch friend of Buffy). As hard as it is, Buffy kills Angel and everything is back to normal, except for Buffy. She was expelled from school and can't go home. The season ends with her leaving Sunnydale on bus :-(

Now, I wouldn't have seen the gay undertones as a pre-teen, but I certainly see them now. She is a strong, sexy woman who sticks up for herself and has no trouble kicking some ass. Right there, she's given the title of gay icon. The "coming out" of sorts to her mother about her destiny and how she can't change was heartbreaking. It wasn't my experience, but I was prepared for a similar reaction when I came out of the closet to my parents. I was terrified that they'd tell me to leave and never come back. I feared not having a place to go home to when I needed my family. It's now really clear to me that Buffy was my gay hero when I was growing up, though I only realize it. Buffy is a strong, smart, sexy character with a secret who got up every day and dealt with her secret and lived without fear.

...and another piece of the puzzle falls into place.

Power Vinyasa

For some things in life, a DVD will simply not do. Some things must be experienced in person. This is true for a Madonna concert, travel documentaries and, as I've found out tonight, yoga! I bought The Biggest Loser yoga DVD when I was in college and gave it a half-hearted attempt. Ashley, a friend of Michele's from work, suggested that I do power vinyasa yoga with her when she gets back from a business trip. I figured that I'd get a head start to see if I liked it.

I thought it'd be a fun, couples activity so I had Antonio meet me. First of all, I have a terrible sense of direction and was getting terribly frustrated when I couldn't find the studio. I went in every wrong direction before finally having Antonio direct me. What can I say? The East Village is still a jungle to me, but I'm getting better.

We walk into this gorgeous building and walking three flights of stairs to the studio. We take our shoes off, get mats and get ready. I notice that all the other guys take their shirts off (yum), so I decide to follow suit. We begin with some light stretches before delving into the hard stuff. I should note that the room was stunning - brick walls, large windows, candles and the sound of the rain from a passing thunderstorm. If there was ever a way to get centered, this was definitely it. Notice I didn't mentioned air conditioning. There was none and it was hot out. Everyone was dripping with sweat, which I'm sure is part of the purpose.

We started doing really hard poses that even I had trouble with. I assumed that I'd do pretty well because I lift and go to the gym regularly. I thought it'd be a piece of cake. It wasn't! Lifting and yoga are two completely different types of exercise. Lifting is loud, aggressive and all about power. Yoga is quite, strong, and all about breathing and control. Both are challenging and useful.

After intense poses, we begin to wind down. As the class progresses, the instructor lowers the lights until the only light in the flicker of the candles in the front of the room. It was so relaxing! Then she recited a quote from Mother Theresa about being the best we can even when everyone and everything tries to push you down. In the end, you will have done all those things for God and the not the world. God will know what is in your heart. Listening to her soothing voice, while lying down with my hand on my heart was magical.

I don't want to get corny, but it was very refreshing. I walked out with a feeling of soreness in my muscles and calm in my heart. I felt different, better. I felt like I had removed all the gunk that weighs on my mind. I let go of bills, work, fear, doubt for that hour. I felt, and still feel, rejuvenated and peaceful. I will be a regular in the East Village on Sunday evenings from now on. I want to continue to improve my physical strength and mental wellbeing.

All Souls

As I grow up into an adult, I find that I have lots of questions. I feel like going to church would help answer some of the questions. But, which church is right for me? I believe in God, but not necessarily in Jesus (though he seems like a very nice guy to me). I was raised Catholic but since I'm gay and they believe that I'm going to burn in hell, I'll pass. It seems obvious to me that a Christian church would not be the right fit for me.

One night as I was walking home from the 59th street subway, I saw a sign for a church called All Souls. It's a Unitarian Church on 80th street. I wrote down the website and looked it up the following day. The read their covenant and it seemed like it might be right for me. They believe in the personal relationship with a higher power, dignity and respect for all people, and justice and equality. It sounds great!

Today, I went to Sunday services for the first time. I was pretty nervous, as I usually am on the first attempt at anything. I had a program and a hymnal. It reminded of the dogmatic practices of my childhood. It felt weird to be singing and listening to something that I had tuned out as a kid. The sermon was good, but it seemed a little too "sunshine and rainbows" for me. I couldn't understand what they were talking about. The minister was talking about being saved and how we're saved every day, every time we are given that little extra bit of support, love, etc.

Um. That's great and all, but am I going to go to heaven or hell? Do they believe in heaven and hell? I still have a lot more questions that I think I'll explore at this church. My first impression is that it's a religion of happiness and acceptance. That sounds great, but I need rules. I sorta want someone to tell what is right and what is wrong. I need a little more guidance.

I'm hoping that as I go to services again next week that it will become a little clearer. At the very least, I've found a place of acceptance where I can reflect and grow. If I delve into the deeper aspects of the church, that'll just be a bonus.