Meredith Baxter / Performance

Oprah may have ended her show, but I continue to learn from the re-runs. I remember seeing the original airing of her explosive interview with Meredith Baxter. She played the mother of Family Ties back and recently came out as lesbian. Shockingly, her sexuality was not the main topic of the interview. She discussed the struggle with alcohol and an abusive marriage to David Birney. The relationship, while violent at times, was more emotionally devastating.

The relationship began to take its toll on her and she started drinking. One thing that resonated with me was that she was so good at hiding it. No one would ever have guessed how painful her life was off the set. She never wanted anyone to know that something was wrong. Even her dearest co-star, Michael Grouse, never knew there was such dysfunction in her home.

I can relate to that. Now let's be clear, I had a very good childhood and wonderful parents. But I can also see now how my parents' divorce affected me. If something was wrong with one parent, I would never want the other to find out. One New Year's Eve I was staying with dad and step-mom. He told me that I could stay up until 10:30 and they went to bed before that. I remember crying. I'm not really sure why - it may have been because I missed my mom, it may have because I'd miss the ball drop. I'm don’t really remember. But I remember that my dad woke up and let me call my mom. When I got home on Sunday night, my step-dad asked me if everything was okay at my dad's that weekend. I lied and said that everything was fine, even though I'm sure my mom told him the whole story.

I feel like I had to become a peacemaker very early. I wanted everyone to be happy. I didn't want there to be drama in the family despite the divorce. I needed to protect everyone and wanted everyone to get along. I feel like that's something I still do. I feel that I keep my feelings to myself in hopes of making everyone's lives easier. I remember doing it in college all the time. When people would ask about Brian, I would say that everything was fine. I can honestly say that it was never fine and I was never fully happy, but I felt that need to protect him and put on a happy face. I feel like that it's something I still do today. Body image is such a struggle for me (as I'm sure it is for most gay men), but I have to play it down. There have been times when I felt like my life was like a performance. When I walked out the door in the morning is the like the raising of the curtain at a play. Meredith Baxter also mentioned wanting to please everyone and not wanting people to think badly of her. I know exactly what she means.

I'm fascinated by her story. Tonight, I went out and bought a copy of her new autobiography, Untied. I'm excited to see how she struggled and overcame her demons.