Sunday, November 29, 2009


You can't have ecstasy without a little agony. Yesterday, I wrote about the amazing time that I had when Lindsay and A.J. came to visit me in NYC. I did. It was awesome. I did so many things that I'd never done before.

However, there were those moment of agony. Going clubbing where the bartenders look like gods? Going to brunch and having a waiter that looks more like an Abercrombie model than a server? Just walking down the street where everyone is in the clique and perfectly dressed and moisturized? It's painful.

I always said that I was gonna get in shape. Not just being at a healthy weight, but really get in shape. I always wanted to look like the guys in the underwear ads. Somehow, I never got there. I'm making progress now, but sometimes I feel like I'm 22 and it's too late. I'm still skinny. I want to be muscular and sexy and confident.

I think that during my normal day to day life, I don't think about it too much. But when you go to Chelsea, you have to be on. It's like a constant Calvin Klein ad / fashion show. I think the trick will be being happy with myself the way I am, not being happy when / if I reach this idealistic idea of beauty. However, I sometimes think spending hours and hours in the gym would be easier than dealing with all my insecurities.

Saturday, November 28, 2009


I finally got my first visit. Lindsay and A.J. came to visit all the way from Radford. It was AMAZING! It was just what I needed.

We went to the W Hotel, which was incredibly posh. Oddly, we fit right in. I guess as long as you are buying drinks, they don't really care if you belong or not. We went to Splash, which was the most crazy, exciting experience of my life. We walk in and what do we see? Two bartenders are making drinks in their underwear. OMG! Then I look around and there are six or seven male dancers on little platforms. We made our way to this area that overlooked the whole place. They didn't seem to enjoy it like I did. They didn't wanna dance. I was like, " I have been on the sidelines my whole life. I'm not standing around". It's part of my whole new me thing...but that's a whole other blog. I put a dollar bill down one of the dancer's briefs and then got on the floor. It was so liberating, sexy and euphoric. I don't hook up, but it's fun to have someone that close. It's nice to sweat and feel sexy and feel connected to someone else. Later that same night, we made our way to the Trump World Tower. There's a bar, The World Bar, which is located next to the UN. On the way over, I decided how to create world peace, but I was drunk so I can't remember it now. Oh well. Maybe it'll come back to me.

The next day we went to Bryant Park to enjoy the great outdoors in my favorite way (right in the middle of a huge city - no poison ivy). It was perfect and so New York. We got Starbucks and sat by the ice skating rink to wait the skaters. It was crisp and cool, but not cold. It was so romantic, but since Lindsay is a girl and A.J. wasn't interested (I know, crazy, right?), I was out of luck. I thought it'd be a great idea to go ice skating. I mean, sure, I've never ice skated or roller skated in my life, but how hard can it be? It be very hard! I spent the first 10 minutes holding onto the sides. Eventually I had to let go because the little girl behind me was mad that I was going so slow. Once on the ice, I fell so many times. It took me a long time to get the hang of it. Even though I fell a hundred times, it was so much fun. By the time we had to leave, I was kinda getting the hang of it.

We went shopping (aka Lindsay and I watched, while A.J. shopped). It was cool to visit all the big stores and see the people who were obviously tourists. Here's a tip for blending in NYC - don't wear camo. We also went shopping Canal Street, which was more in my price range. There's nothing like buying knockoffs from a lady on the street. It was an experience! I got a ring (nothing fancy), but I think it'll be my "Carrie necklace". It's worthless, but it'll remind me of a really happy time.

We did brunch (how fabulous) at Elmo in Chelsea. The food was just okay, but the waiter was gorgeous and they played the Lady Gaga and Rihanna albums before they were released, so it was a winner to me. I like the idea of brunch. You can wake up late, eat any kind of food you want and drink without judgement. Does it get any better? I think not.

This past weekend was just what I needed. I needed a connection to people. I've known A.J. and Lindsay for so long and it was good to see them. I really hope Lindsay gets a job in NYC. She and I would be the perfect NYC duo. It was a brief glimpse of the life that I want. I want shopping, friends, ice skating, Starbucks, fun.

Friday, November 27, 2009

After Picture (3 Months with Jimmy)

Wow! It's seems crazy that only 3 months ago I began workign with Jimmy. It's so crazy to see how we've evolved. When we started, I was so scared and weak. I tried so hard to impress him. Now, I'm getting stronger. I can push myself further than I think I can. I am shocked at how much more I can do. Jimmy and I are different. I'm not afraid of him. I'm not really looking for his approval, but his respect. I'm far from it, but I want him to see me as an equal, a friend.

There were so many things (chin-ups, dips, elevated push ups, plyometrics) that I thought I'd never be able to do. Now I can do them easily and I LOVE doing them. I've never seen results like I have seen in the last 3 months.

Against my financial common sense, I'm doing another 24 sessions with Jimmy. This picture is the "after" picture for my first 3 months with Jimmy and the "before" picture for the next 3 months.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Kelly and John and Justin

I think there are always those albums that you listen to when you're in a relationship that become impossible to listen to after the relationship ends. That's certainly true for me. For me, there are three albums that just feel like a bullet in my heart. They are: Kelly Clarkson's My December, John Mayer's Continuum, and Justin Timberlake's FutureSex/LoveSounds. Each of those albums make me shutter.

Kelly's album was perfect at first. Never Again was my jilted lover anthem and it made me feel great. In fact, most of the songs are okay. There's one song, Be Still, that just gets me every time. It's about just laying there next to the person you love. I can remember how good that used to feel. There another song, Maybe, that hurts. Maybe defined my life. My life was a constant maybe. Sober was another song that resonated with me. There's one line when she says, "three months and I'm still not over it". Honey, try three years and I'm still not over it. Even though it's hard to listen to, I'm trying. Musically and lyrically, it's a fantastic album. I'm actually going to listen to it tonight. I've got to get past it.

Next, John Mayer's Continuum. OMG, I was so in love with this album because Brian was so in love with it. Lyrically, it's really smart. The melody's are mellow and relaxing. John's voice is okay, kinda bland. But, this is the album that makes me stop breathing. Vultures and Gravity, I can just imagine Brian listening to these songs. I could never tell if these songs were about love working out or falling apart. It got so bad that I had to delete the album (which I paid for) and throw away the hard copy. Ever since then, I have hated John Mayer and everything he's done. I think it's a defense mechanism. It's easier to hate someone I've never met than to address the feelings behind hating a stranger's music.

Lastly, Justin's second album. My Love was my anthem. He sings, "Baby just say I do". I would always change the lyrics to, "Baby just say I DON'T" for obvious reasons. The lyrics don't really deal with relationships that much, but it's just the vibe and the memories that emanate from the album. It brings back so many memories from 200 Robey Street, Apartment B. It's a shame. These are three great albums, but I just can't seem to listen to them without getting emotions.

But, memories come and go. I find that I've got new albums and new memories. I've got Mariah's Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel and Whitney's I Look To You. Of course, both albums both remind me of Brian, but they also remind me of NYC. I remember seeing the Mariah posters all over the city and seeing Whitney in Central Park.

It's so crazy how a song can bring back to such a specific place in time.

Friday, November 6, 2009

9 to 5

I don't know where Dolly Parton worked, but my 9 to 5 is turning into a 9 to 8:45. Today was an uber long day because we have residency interviews on Monday. We received 700 applications to our program. We chose 90 to interview. We'll pick 8 to join the program. So, yeah, pretty selective.

Today was the day to get everything done. We did all the things around that office that should have been done ages ago. We moved old filing cabinets, cleaned the conference and threw away so much junk.

After Dr. Sealfon left was when the party really began. Katherine and I both LOVE Britney. We cranked her way up and got the rest of our work done. When we were organizing the library we pulled up the video for 3 on the projector and rocked out in surround sound.

She is so much fun. We have soooooo much fun at work and a day never goes by that we don't laugh hysterically at least once.

Monday, November 2, 2009


Okay, so I went to the haunted house and got molested by one of the zombies. No big deal? It was to me, but not in a bad way. Having a guy breath on me and bite me was exhilarating. I realize that passion is something that I'm missing in my life. It's so much more than just sex. I want intimacy. I want excitement. I've gone without for so long that just having a guy get close made my heart race.

But on the other side, I tend to look at people and think they're dirty and gross. Granted, on the subway, it's hot and sweaty and they are dirty and gross. But, in general, I tend to look at guys and just lack any drive. Being a hypochondriac doesn't help. Being shy doesn't help. Being self-conscious doesn't help.

I want that rush. The rush that the random zombie gave me in a pitch black haunted house. There's a possibility on the horizon. Let's just say that I'll be having my own version of Mr. Big in San Francisco. I could pretend to debate what I'm gonna do, but I already know what'll happen if he does come. It'd be wrong and illicit and perfect and exactly what I need.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Halloween in NYC

Wow!! People take this holiday very seriously. It was really cool to see people dressed up walking down the street, sitting in restaurants, and riding the subway. It was a collective celebration.

Katherine and her son, Aaron, and Claudia and her nephew, Chris, and I went to Nightmare: Vampire in Noho. I, like a loser, didn't dress up. But I was wearing my sexy, white Hollister shirt (this'll be important later), so I was feeling pretty good. I was supposed to take the 6 to Bleeker, but they were having some problems and I had to get off at Union Square. Katherine tried to pick me up in her Jeep but the streets were closed for the parade. I had to catch a cab and make it to Broadway and Houston...asap. And with my luck, it took forever to get a taxi, but I finally made it there. Katherine and Aaron were pretty late because of the traffic, but we made it in fine.

Okay, so the haunted house was kinda disappointing. I was hoping to be sooo scared that I'd have trouble sleeping. There were some intersting moments, though. One room had a girl in her underwear dancing on a stripper pole. There were strobe lights, which I think are uber sexy. Then a zombie walks in with blood on his face. It was just like in 28 Days later...perfect effects and really scary. But then he put his hands down his pants and started jerking off while she danced. Very weird and not appropriate since Aaron and Chris are like 15. Awkward since their Mom / Aunt were there.

This was the best part. We were walking across a bridge that wobbled and this one zombie / actor / whatever got all up in my face and was breathing on my neck. It was creepy, but fine since it was for show. Then he found out my name because Claudia was screaming for me...she was a riot. He said that he had to sacrifice me by making me go first. He grabbed my wrist and pulled me forward into this tunnel that you really had to squeeze through the inflated walls. He got really close and then licked my neck and bit my neck. Um...what?!?

Some would expect me to be outraged. Nah, I was actually really turned on. It's been so long since someone's been that close to me. It was a rush. It was dark and scary and hot. I should have given him my number. Of course, since he was on me he got fake blood all over my neck and t-shirt (my sexy, white Hollister shirt). Oh well, I guess that the price I pay for a random, anonymous, sexy, encounter with a zombie.

Scary? No. Hawt? Yes.

Then we went to Dave and Busters for dinner and to watch the Yankees game. It was a blast. They won so the crowd was going crazy. We played skeeball, air hockey, games where you get tickets and that video game with a gun where you shoot zombies. I felt like I was 14 again. It was a really fun night and I'm glad because Katherine is like my best friend.

The subway ride home was...interesting. There were a group of black people that were drunk and announcing everyone's costumes. There was a tranny who was feeling so much hotter than everyone else. There was a guy dressed a French maid, who I would so totally have done. Claudia asked me if I thought he was cute, so I guess she's put two and two together...finally.

Overall, it was great night!!! But, next year I'm going balls to the wall. I'm gonna keep lifting and working out and running so I can get a really slutty costume and look damn good in it.