Untied

I just finished Meredith Baxter's new autobiography, Untied. It was a sad, yet hopeful (and frustrating at times) memoir of a woman who seems to have finally found peace. I found myself wondering why she stayed with so many men who mistreated her. It was her introspective look at her childhood and own experiences that finally lead her to clarity. It may have taken her over fifty years, but she seems to finally comfortable in her own skin. It may seem odd but I can really relate to her story. Of course, I'm not a middle-aged lesbian, but her story being completely self-centered while and simultaneously lacking a shred of self-worth resonated with me.

Meredith grew up in a cold and distant household. Her mother and father-figures gave her everything except love and attention. At a young age, she began to feel that there was something wrong with her. She reasoned that her mother's emotional absence was her fault. Her childhood shaped the relationships she formed as an adult. When her now ex-husband, David Birney, would belittle and denigrate her, she felt she must have deserved it. She wouldn't question the abuse because she believed that her perceived faults gave others the right to treat her that way.

At the same time, she was completely self-centered. Everything was about her. Over the course of three marriages, she had five children. She loved them all, though her dedication seemed questionable at times. She would use her career as an actress to get out of the tense household for weeks at a time while filming movies on location. She would leave her children with David and nannies because she simply needed a break. She wanted to get away from him and would do it by any means necessary, even if that meant not protecting them from David’s judgmental and hard parenting style. She started drinking casually on the set of Family Ties, but it escalated over time. Eventually, she was driving home from tapings with a tumbler of wine in between her legs. She began drinking even more heavily after divorcing David after fifteen years of marriage. She would drink to the point that she would black out and be unable to care for her children. She was living her life with only regard to her own pain. Eventually, she started attended Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and began going to therapy to work out her emotional scars.

I can relate. There are times when I feel so small; so insignificant. I'm just one person - do I matter? I don’t really see anything special about myself. I’m average. I think both Meredith and I have issues with self-worth. Her's stemmed from a troubled childhood and I'm beginning to see that mine is tied to an unrealistic body image. The roots are different, but the feelings of unworthiness are the same. At the same time, I feel that everything is about me. When I walk down the street, from machine to machine at the gym, or around the office at work, I feel that people are judging. They are looking at me and picking out my flaws. It's ironic that I feel so small and insignificant and yet think that I garner the undivided scrutiny and attention of everything that sees me. I am self-centered. Where do I go from here?

I am grateful that Meredith wrote her story. It gave me a new perspective. With deeper thought and examining of my own issues, I think I can avoid being a sexually confused, alcoholic TV mom. Her sharing her own pain will definitely help others. I am happy for her. She seems to have finally found contentment with her partner, Nancy. It’s been a long road of healing and she deserves nothing but happiness, as do we all.