I second guess myself, especially with guys. I basically have a relationship rear-view mirror because I'm always looking back. But, I think that I've finally figured out how to respect the memories of past boyfriends and still move forward with my life.
Each time Antonio and I would break up (three times in total), I'd have this intense panic that I'd made a huge mistake. The instant freedom (or loneliness) was terrifying. I'd try to rationalize that problem had to be with me and that I could find a way to make it work. I had so many questions. How do I know if I made the right choice? He remains one of the most beautiful, caring and lovable men that I've ever met. Everything about him is perfect. We were great together, but also completely great separately. I was okay on my own. I want what Carrie Bradshaw describes as "ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each love." What made everything so hard is that I never wanted to hurt him. As much as I wanted everything to work, I could just tell that he wasn't the one for me.
The failure of my first post-Brian relationship really made me scared. What if he's the one person for me? What if no one else will be able to match the intensity and passion? It seemed like a logical fear. But then I started to remember that along with that passion came a lot of tears, resentment and heartache. Slowly, I began to realize that he wasn't the one for me. What we had ended years ago. Holding onto a memory isn't the same thing as holding onto someone. I noticed that as I began to let go of the hope that things could have been different, my anger towards him began to dissipate. I can't recall where I was, but I just remember having this intense "aha" moment. I was happy for him. Sure, he didn't pick me. He chose to live in the closest (to keep the story simple). But he is loved and he has someone to love and protect him. And isn't that really all I should want for him? And just like that...the anger was gone.
I had so much growth and maturity in such a short time. With all the confusion and questions of the past few months, I really needed someone impartial and mature to listen to my ramblings. I found a therapist and he was great. He was much more of a sounding board than a mystic with the answers. One day I was leaving his office and I stopped outside the elevator to get my headphones out and I had this huge epiphany. It doesn't have to be one or the other - Brian or Antonio. Both men are incredible and brought so much to my life. I treasure my time with both, but neither were right for me. I can take the experiences with both and move forward and eventually find someone who fulfills all my needs. I must have looked crazy because it didn't take long to untangle my headphones and I was standing there for a while. Oh well, I'm sure my revelation didn't bother anyone else.
It's a great feeling to have closure with both relationships. I hope Antonio and I will be great friends. We get along so well and I still care so much about him. I'd be lucky to have him my life. What makes me feel really good is that I want happiness for him more than I want it for myself. He deserves it. And Brian? I really hope that he's content with his life. I can now really be his friend. He no longer has anything that I want other than his friendship. The anger towards everyone in his life is gone and I truly wish them the best. It feels so good to be ready to move forward and finally be at peace.
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