25

I've never really wanted to celebrate my birthday less than I did this year. It's been a little rough lately. My breakup with Antonio is still weighing heavily on my mind. I'm also finding myself focusing on the negative, rather than the positive. My original plan was to just let me birthday pass as any other day. I'd go to the gym, go grocery shopping, and maybe go to Subway for dinner. But then I started thinking. Rather than focusing on what isn't going perfectly in my life, I decided to remember all the amazhing things that I do have.

I decided to have a small dinner with a few of my friends from work. I didn't want it to be a big production, just something intimate and fun. I found a great restaurant in the hip, West Village. Martha, Andy, Connie and Suzanne (and their respective significant others) all gathered on Saturday for my big day. I bought a new shirt (tight-fitting and short in the sleeves) and a new pair of shoes that looked perfect without socks and my jeans cuffed. I felt so bohemian.

I'm not one for surprises. I like to be in control and know what's going on. I was certainly in for a shock on Saturday. We're all sitting in our corner table, laughing, and drinking. All of a sudden, I see my boss, Pam, and her husband, Michael walk in. I was FLOORED! They joined us to wish my a happy birthday, a few drinks and lots of laughs. I was so completely surprised and really touched that they came. I usually stress about work and if I'm doing a good enough job, but she dispelled my fears in a reply to a thank you email I sent her around 12:30 that night. She said she adored me and loved having me on the team. It absolutely made my night.

We did have plans to go to the Boom Boom Room at the Standard Hotel, but I just wasn't feeling it. I'd had about 4-5 margaritas and I just wanted to crawl into bed. I hugged everyone and thanked them for coming and headed home. I have to admit that I wanted to text Antonio. I even had the text typed, but I just couldn't send it. The last thing I want to do is hurt him again, so I need to avoid the selfish temptation to see him. I have a lot of things to figure out, but I'm not going to put him in the middle of my own issues.

I ended up walking home. I walked from 7th Avenue South and 10th Street to 76th Street and 3rd Avenue. That's at least 4 miles. But I was chatting with one of my best friends from college, Justin. He really makes me reconsider talking to a therapist. He is so smart, sweet and caring that I always know I can rely on my to cut through the bullshit and give me his honest opinion. It took me about 2 hours, but it was a great walk home. It was so quiet and calm; a perfect night.

By shifting my perspective, I really allowed myself to enjoy an amazing night. I was pretty emotional, though I think I hid it pretty well. It's such a powerful feeling to be around people who genuinely care about me. My co-workers are really my best friends. Martha is a Texan, female version of me and I really admire how she's so effortlessly flawless. Mike is probably the biggest surprise. We come from completely different background and have pretty opposite interests, but he's pretty much my best friend. I'm love the gift he got me - the prequel season of Spartacus. He knows my favorite things - epic battles, drama and full frontal male nudity. I can't ask for a better friend. Andy is a the lawyer with the dry sense of humor that somehow makes me laugh no matter how dumb his jokes turn out to be. Then there's Suzanne, who single-handedly changed my eating habits and my whole outlook on health. Ugh, but let's not admit that she is almost always right. Lastly we have Tresa, who is absolutely amazing. She's such a beautiful person and I'm so lucky to work for her. I always know that I can ask for help with anything - personal or professional.

I have flaws and things that I'm working on, but I know that I have so many amazing things for which to be grateful. I'm going to make 25 my most developmental and productive year yet.