Spinning

4:00 am. That's my body's favorite time to wake up and question what's going on in my life. Everyone says that college is time to grow, learn and become the person you're going to be. I guess that I procrastinated with that the same way I would all my papers. I have no idea who I am, what I'm doing or where I'm going. My head spins with all the things I don't know.

I continue to mess things up with Antonio. We're not together now and I don't really know what's going to happen. The ironic thing is that there really weren't any problems. We were perfect together. Being with him was so easy. I could be myself and let my guard down when I was around him. I was happy with him, despite not really being happy in general.

Then how did it go wrong? He is so mature and smart. He would ask me questions like, "what do you need from me?" and "what do you need in a relationship?" I didn't even know that people asked these questions, let alone thought about them enough to have answers. I wonder if I had communicated better and thought about those questions, rather than dismiss them, if things would have turned out differently.

How do you know when you're with the right person? How do you know if that person is the one? I think Antonio actually flipped a switch for me. He pinpointed the issue without me even knowing that it was there. He said that my first relationship from college really fucked me up. Once he said that, it all seemed to fall into place. I dated a guy who wasn't out of the closet (that's the abridged version). Everything was a constant struggle. It was like the entire relationship was a battle to prove that I was the right person for him. I needed to convince him to be with me. In my mind it was very Carrie and Big. Obviously that relationship crashed and burned.

I figured that I'd just get over it. I'd move to New York, forget the past, and then be good to go. It hasn't really worked out that way. I wonder / worry if my previous relationship set the model for what I'm looking for in all future relationships. I worry that I've created this ideal that a relationship has to be a struggle or challenging for it to be the real thing. I wonder if I think I need a project guy - someone that I can fix so I know that they'll need me. Obviously, my relationship with Antonio was healthy and stable. No challenge, no fighting, no struggle. My worry is that I think he's not the "one" because it hasn't been hard enough (figuratively).

But let's not blame everything on Brian. I recognize that I tend to focus on the fantasy. I have a picture of what my social life, job, relationship should be. When my fantasy and reality don't line up, I think that what I have is wrong. I confuse what I want with what I think I should want. I have this vision of a knight riding up on a big, white horse to rescue me. I'm not exactly sure what I need to be rescued from, but I'm sure there's something. I think I've watched way too many romantic comedies. Antonio could be the perfect guy for me. He could be the guy I should spend the rest of my life with, but I'm not sure. I'm worried that I have everything I need in him but I can't even receive it (as Iyanla Vanzant would say). My biggest fear is that Antonio and I should be together and I'm screwing it up. I worry that I'm going to look back and regret letting him go.

Well...there's a brief insight into what spins through my mind at 4:00 in the morning. What's becoming clear is that I have way too many questions that I can't answer myself. I think it's time to find a life coach / therapist to help me sort out the mess that is my life.