Reba + Revel

Reba was first icon. She was my favorite singer as I was growing up in rural Pennsylvania. I remember being amazed when I saw her in Philadelphia in 1996. It was the first concert I went to that was a spectacle. Her band members came drive onto the stage in taxis and then a huge wall opened and Reba made her entrance by emerging from a private plane. Wow! Just wow! So when I found out that she was going to be at Revel, the newest casino to open in Atlantic City, I knew I had to get tickets.

My family was planning on meeting up in New Jersey the day of the concert anyway for L'Oreal's "Your Dog is Worth It, Too" event. I'm required to go every year to collect and carry free samples of various dog food, treats, toys, etc. Michele needs me to be a pack mule and I like to show off my arms. It's a win / win. But since we were all going to be in the same state, Michele was able to convince Mom to go with Kasey and I to Atlantic City. My mom is just like me. She doesn't like unfamiliar places, situations, etc. We both have very small comfort zones, so I was glad she decided to come. We had dinner at the Showboat, which is just down the boardwalk from Revel. Mom and Kasey argued about who was paying while we waited in line. Each demanded to pay. I calmly said, "let's just all agree that I'm NOT paying." I'm so funny. The food was great! Buffets are amazing. We don't have them in New York so it was a real treat.

We got back to Revel about an hour before the show was scheduled to start. Kasey went to play poker and we went to find our seats. After getting settled, my mom insisted we go to the bar to get drinks. I ordered a vodka and Red Bull. My mom looked pensive. She asked the bartender what she could get. I laughed and said, "Mom, you can get whatever you want." The bartender said the same thing. She got a Long Island Iced Tea. Then we had another battle over who was going to pay. The look on my mom's face when the bartender told me the total was $38 was priceless. I'll admit that it seems high even to me, but I played it off.

The show started right on time. Shocking! Reba sounded GREAT! You could tell that she was singing live, but still able to belt it out. I knew the words to just about every song she sang. I was lip-syncing along with most of them. The thing that I liked about the concert was that it was authentic. She sometimes talked in between songs and you could tell that she wasn't reading a script. She took the time to individually introduce each band member. She did two medleys, which was a great idea. She has over 30 years of songs so she can't do all of them, but you want to hear all of them. Naturally, she did Fancy for the encore. The entire audience was just waiting for it because that's become one of her signature songs. It was such a good concert, though I was a little disappointed that wasn't as big as the last time I saw her. No dancers, no video screens, no props. But she sounded great and had a great time, so I enjoyed it. I also noticed that most people were sitting down most of the time. Come on guys! Get up!

After the show, we went to buy souvenirs. My mom bought a keychain and I bought a t-shirt that turned out to be way too small. Sure it was a fitted cut, but it's just ridiculously tight. Kasey was concentrating on the giant stack of chips in front of him, so we wandered around the casino floor. My mom pointed out $3 on the floor, so that became my gambling money. We played some .$01 slot machines. You always lose and so the money goes quickly. My mom did win $1.75 on one machine. I was so excited! I'm also a dork. When Kasey left the table $600 richer, he gave me $125 worth of chips to play Blackjack. Now I know how to play the game - it is pretty easy. Get to 21. Simple enough. But the issue I have is with the counting. I'm not very good with math. One hand I got 21 and was so excited because I thought that I won all the chips that the other players bet too. Apparently it doesn't work that way. I was there for about 20 minutes before I lost it all. At least it wasn't my money. Around 2:00 am, we made it back to Michele and Kasey's house. I was super tired so I waved everyone away so I could fall asleep on the couch.

I'm so glad that my family is doing things like this. We used to only see each other on major holidays, but now we're getting together much more often. It had been years since my mom and I had done something special with the just the two of us. I'll always remember drinking and laughing before the show started. Great memories!

SideTour: Sailing on the Hudson

Every SideTour I've done has been a great experience. Last weekend's excusion on the Hudson River was no exception. I'll admit that I was nervous when Josh suggested it. I hadn't been on a boat in years. The last memorable trip I can recall when a deep sea fishing trip that ended with me...sick...and curled up in a ball in the galley. Luckily, this this 3 hour tour was nothing like that.

I didn't really know to expect, but I was pretty excited one we got to Pier 66. Jackie had just gotten back from a vacation at the beach so she was incredibly tan, which looked even stronger next to my Edward Cullen-esque skin tone. Josh was carrying a rented camera lens in his backpack. I'm used to taking pictures on my iPhone, so his camera looked like it could be used to see craters in the moon. There was a cute, young couple that had also signed up. After we were all fitted in our life jackets (yes, mine color coordinated with my outfit), we made our way down the dock.

We had to get in a small, motor boat to take us to our sail boat. Once we were on board our sail boat, I was charged with raising the sails. I was surprised. I expected to just sit back and enjoy the ride. But I was glad to try something new and learn a little bit. Josh has some pictures and yes, my arms look amazing. The only rule for posting pictures? Please make me looks somewhat tan. I'm still waiting. It must be a harder job than I thought. As the wind would change and we need to move the main sail from one side to the other (I forget the technical names), Jackie and I would take turns loosening the lines on one side and tying them on the other. We were a pretty good time.

Once we were up and running, I wanted to get some good pictures of Manhattan. Josh was busy using his paparazzi lens to get artist shots of everything. I just took pictures of the main sights on my iPhone. It occurred to me that so many people in the city want great views. A view of the river is a prized commodity, but so few people realize you can do more with the Hudson than just look at it. It so cool to see the city from another perspective. We could see the new World Trade Center, the Empire State Building, the Intrepid, and Riverside Park.

Our captain, Andreas, did a great job at making sure we learned a little and had a lot of fun. He was only 23 (Ugh. 25 feels old), but he had such a great attitude. He's passionate about what he does and he makes a living doing it. Very inspiring. As we were sailing, a cruise ship was getting ready to leave. I figured we'd give them their space. Nope. Andreas got us pretty close so we could wave to the passengers. They waved back. It was so cool.

As we were making our way back to the...hmm...area where the boats are anchored, Andreas tasked me with using a long hook to grab our anchor and attach it to the ship. What? Damn. No pressure. I took a few times around, but I got it. It wasn't easy to pull in though and I definitely thought I was going to go flying into the water. Luckily, I used my massive arms to reel it and connect the rope to the boat.

And thus our 3 hour tour ended. It was such a relaxing, freeing, adventure. Naturally, I wanted to do it again. I can see the draw to sailing. It's so peaceful. Just friends and the water. A bottle of wine couldn't hurt. Every SideTour I've done has been so much fun, but I think this one was my favorite. It was a perfect Sunday afternoon.

Mom and Sam's NYC Visit

Godbys don't handle stress and / or excitement. The idea of my parents coming to visit me in the city was both touching and terrifying. My mom and had spent a few weeks planning their visit and going over what they'd like to see and do. Everything was set, but my nervous stomach didn't know that. So just like the last time I saw my family, I spent the early part of the morning throwing up. I blame my incredibly large vitamin getting caught in my through as much as I blame stress. It's a lethal combination. I was scared to look in the mirror. I figured that my face would be dotted with broken capillaries. Luckily, I was okay.

I made it to Penn Station on time. Phew. But where are my parents? Their train arrived at 8:28 am and they were still MIA at 8:40. Oh no! Did they miss their stop and end up in Connecticut? Luckily, we found each other a few minutes later. It was so great to see them. I know they prefer the peace and quiet of the Pennsylvania country, so it was really cool that they made the trek up here.

We took a cab to my apartment. I think my stepdad's first words were, "this is it?". I figured my tiny studio would be a bit of shock. But I love my apartment and I think there were happy with once they got the grand tour, which took about 30 seconds. Here it is. Boom. Done. But it's my home and it's safe and it's clean. What more could I ask for at 25? Then we went to Corcoran. I still find Corcoran intimating at times so I had so no idea how they'd feel. But it was great. Everyone in the pod got up and introduced themselves. Anne made a few phone calls and get us access to view the W Downtown. Everyone was really nice and I think my parents were happy to see me with such a good second family. I got my parents some coffee from our kitchen. Of course my mom starts cleaning the countertops. Lol. That's my mom.

Next up was Carnegie Deli. They had seen it on TV and wanted to go. It was definitely built around tourism because our waiter was so unbelievably nice. Mom and Sam split a massive sandwich and I got challah french toast. It hit the spot. That spot would be the spot that my first breakfast occupied before spending 10 minutes with my head in the toilet.

After brunch we walked through Times Square. It's a must for anyone who hasn't been to New York. It doesn't really do anything for me, but I can appreciate it's grandeur. As we passed from the touristy Times Square area to the somewhat gritty 30s full of wholesale fabric stores and wig shops, I realized it was time get a cab to take us to Battery Park to catch the ferry to the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island. Both sites are quintessentially New York, but I don't think many New Yorkers visit them until they are entertaining tourists. It's a shame because they are definitely sites to see. The State of Liberty was a little smaller than I expected. Ghostbusters made it seem massive. But it was still cool to see. Ellis Island a was more educational. It seems so barbaric what immigrants had to through as late as the 1920s.

After getting back on dry land, we waited for the rain to stop. Most of the day was drizzly and dreary, but it was downright pouring as we got off the ferry and back into Battery Park. After a few minutes of resting while staring as groups of pigeons pick anything they could find off the concrete, we started walking the few blocks to the 9/11 Memorial. It was sad, as I expected. The pools that now occupy the land where the towers used to stand are massive. The sound of the water rushing over the sides is impressive. It's a site to behold but also very calming and reflective.

Thanks to Anne from PR, we were able to go next door and get a private tour of the W Downtown Residences. Our of agents had his assistant take us to the rooftop patio for some amazing views. I chuckled when my parents were flabbergasted that apartments started at $1 million. Even though I can't afford it, the prices seemed more than reasonable. It was so cool to get a view of the city from such a gorgeous terrace.

At this point the day was going amazingly well. They were having a good time and so was I. I could tell that everything was going well because my appetite returned with a vengeance. We started walking towards the South Stree Seaport for dinner. It was a bit of a walk, but it had stopped raining so it wasn't bad. I kinda felt like I was a bad tour guide because I couldn't answer any of their questions about Downtown Manhattan. Oh well. I don't frequent Battery Park / FiDi that often.

We went to Cabana for dinner and it was great. I was nervous to go out to dinner with them because I know the prices would be high along with their expectations. At first Sam ordered coffee and my Mom ordered a Diet Coke. Uh oh. Does this mean I can't order a fancy martini? Crap. Luckily I was able to convince them to get cocktails too. They both go mojitos and I got some red, sweet martini. We laughed and had so much fun. Some girls were giving out samples of drinks made with Sake. I tried it and loved it so I ordered the drink with whatever they were promoting. They had to slide in our booth for pictures while I put on my complementary glasses and my mom held up the XL t-shirt they gave me. Just awesome!!

Alas the fun had to come to an end. We got a cab and headed back to Penn Station for their train back to Pennsylvania. It was such an awesome day! I love my parents and I'm glad that I got to share some of my NY life with them. We try to get the whole family as often as possible, but it was nice for it to just be the three of us. We haven't gotten to do something like that in as long as I can remember. It was a day full of great memories that I'll treasure for years to come.

4th of July

I've never one of those people that will celebrate a holiday by starting to drink in the afternoon. I always admired those people because they seemed so carefree and relaxed. And yesterday I became one of those people. My friend, Josh, has a great studio in Chelsea with rooftop access in full view of the Hudson River. You could not ask for a better spot to watch the Macy's 4th of July Fireworks. Dan, Anthony and I all got there early in the afternoon and immediately started drinking. Mojitos straight out of the bottle with a little club soda are very refreshing (and deceivingly strong). We hung out, watched Shame (eh it was on in the background and we only really paid attention and *certain* parts). We tried to get Jackie to join us, but she was stuck in Brooklyn. Every party needs a little Jackie Buddie!

By the time 9:00 rolled around, we were all pretty buzzed. I notice that when I drink I'm either in one of two states - 1) fun, exciting, life of the party or 2) throwing up in the toilet. I'm usually responsible enough to make sure that I stay in the first state and last night was one of those nights. The four of us headed up to the roof. Of course, it was packed but that made it even more fun. Josh was carrying his camera so he could take pictures and I had a glass of perseco in each hand. The show was awesome! We had a front row seat for the fireworks and it was so much nicer than having to watch them from the ground. I ended up taking pictures with Josh's camera. Now, I have never claimed to be a photographer by any means. I was doing my best. It took Dan and I a few minutes to make sure the lens cap was off. I just kept clicking away. I didn't see anything on the screen, but I didn't know how to change any of the fancy settings. Oh well. I probably took a hundred pictures and I bet none of them turned out.

I usually hate when people talk about their drinking escapades. I don't think that being falling down drunk is funny or entertaining. But last night wasn't about being wasted. Josh is quickly becoming one of my best friends and Dan and Anthony are also really great to hang out with. The really great part about last night (one of them) was that I could see myself going out and doing things and really letting loose. I am usually very shy and reserved, so it's great when I can forget all that baggage and just have fun.

Happy Birthday America!

Gay Pride 2012

Gay Pride is always a fun time of the year. We wisely choose June so that everyone could wear short shorts and tanks, which is pretty much the gay summer uniform. I always go to the parade, but usually skip the other festivities. This year, though, I made much more of an effort to go out and enjoy it.

A friend texted me that I should join him and some of his new friends at a gay bar in Hell's Kitchen. It was late and I had just got back from seeing a show at Lincoln Center with some friends. I really just wanted to curl up on the couch and watch a movie. Ah, there's something so appealing about sweats and television. But he convinced so I put on my tightest shorts, skimpiest tank top and poured Skinny Girl Cosmo into a water bottle (so sneaky).

I met everyone at the Flaming Saddle. I jokingly texted my friend that I the self-loathing and judgment were palpable. The constant eye raping was intense. I just kept looking at everyone else and wondering if I was as toned / muscular as them aka as good as them. It's sad that our culture is so obsessed with abs and biceps, but you can't fight city hall. The more you drink, the less anxiety you feel.

We stayed at the Flaming Saddle for like 2 seconds. They were showing old Dolly Parton movies. It had a fun vibe, but not quite dirty enough. I haven't gone clubbing in a long, long time so I wanted to really dance. Next we went to Posh, which was super fun. It was packed and so hot (and by that, I mean temperature). They put the bathroom right next to the dance floor so we constantly had to move when people went in and out - not the wisest interior design move. I also noticed that no one wanted to dance with me except the friends that I was with. This was very disconcerting and terrible for my self-esteem.

About an hour later, we went to our third and final stop of the night, Therapy. I got drinks on the first floor and then headed upstairs with our group. It was fun! I ended up dancing with this guy named Fernando for what felt like hours. At first I loved it and was having a great time, but then I got bored. I knew I wasn't gonna hook up with him, so he was just temporary scenery. Rihanna's Birthday Cake Remix was the turning point. Before that song it was pretty tame, but that song gets me every time (and I hate myself for supporting something featuring Chris Brown). I was Jersey Turnpiking more than someone commuting to the city through the Holland Tunnel. I remember everything being a huge blur, but not the alcoholic haze kind of blur. They played It's Raining Men and it felt like a huge celebration. At one point, a guy took my shirt off (thank God for my Equinox membership). I instantly thought, "Hmm...I can't walk down the street with no shirt." Luckily he pulled it through my belt light. The dark club lights did a great job at hiding my paleness. Everyone knows Wendy William's saying about 3:00 am. Nothing good happens after 3:00 am. So we all left the club drenched in sweat. I crashed as soon as I got home. But Pride Weekend was just getting started.

The parade is the grand finale. Yes, there are drag queens in heels and hairy men in chaps with leather hats. These are definitely moments that scare southern Republican Baptists (not that anyone cares). But there's so much more to the parade. I saw a woman marching with her gay son. There were church groups with signs proclaiming that Jesus loves everyone. It's so nice to see such love. That is really the main theme of the parade - love. Everyone just wants to love and be loved. I don't see why so many people find that threatening or disgusting. Oh well, it's their problem.

Another thing I love about the parade is that it is such a unifying event. So many cultures come together. African-Americans, Hispanics, Whites all march together unified by our common bond (our sexuality or maybe just our humanity). There are so many races, religious and ethnic groups all celebrating and it's not something you see every day. We are so divided all the time that it's really a great thing that everyone can unify and march for a common goal.

Pride Weekend is full of contradictions. The clubs and bars are all about body fat percentage and chest size. It's sad and definitely not healthy. But then the parade is all about celebrating you. There were overweight people and older people. It's all about loving who you are and not being able to show it. With the help of a wonderful family and amazing friends, I'm proud of who I am every single day. But for one weekend a year, it's great to really show the world my true rainbow colors and celebrate who I am with the rest of New York City.

Catching Bieber Fever

Sit down because this is going to be once epic story. Ever since I first heard "Boyfriend," I've had this weird obsession with Justin Bieber. He has this confidence and swagger that I just find intoxicating. I bought all the buzz singles and was pretty excited for his new album to come out. It's also a nice bonding topic with my little sister. She loves him so it gives us something to take about.

An old friend from Sinai emailed that J&R in the Financial District was holding an album signing. I checked their website and, naturally, all the wristbands were gone within a few hours. Oh well. I tried. I saw that they were holding a contest to win one last wristband. I entered and said how I'd love to win so I could give the autographed album to my little sister. I did all I could. Just like Oprah did with her role in The Color Purple, I surrendered it. If I didn't get to meet him, life would go on. And late Monday night I got my proverbial call from Steven Spielberg while singing and running on the track. J&R announced they still had wristbands and I could get one if I bought the album in the store at 8:00 on Tuesday morning. Now I understand Bieber fans. I know that they will camp out (and probably kill) for a chance to meet him. At first I was thinking that I could get up around 4:00 am and go down there. I worried though that the line would be really long and I would have gotten up early for nothing. So I came up with a crazy idea. I'd sleep on the street and wait in line for hours and be the first one there. It made sense. Dedication would get me that autograph. So I packed some water and my copy of 50 Shades Darker and headed downtown. Yes, I forgot some non-essentials like food and a blanket. Oops.

I got off the train and there were blocks and blocks of barracades. They were were obviously expecting a large crowd. I got in line only to be told by security that the line was only for people who already had their wristbands. Ugh. Defeat. But I saw that they said they'd sell them in the morning so I decided to wait it out and buy my wristband in the morning. There was a small group of people at the front of the line so I made conversation with them. There was a Dominican woman, Elaina, who was holding space for her kids, a young girl, Georgia, who was with her nanny, Maria, (I think, I really couldn't figure out the relationship) and a 75-year-old woman, Barbara, who was really sweet and, probably, a little crazy. There were two security guards, Billy and Brian, to ensure order. Of course, there were only about 20 people. I'm thinking that since most people already had their wristbands, they didn't feel the need to get there uber early. Makes sense.

So the clock started ticking at 11:00 pm. I hung out with my new friends for hours. We talked about Bieber and almost every other topic imaginable. They said I was cute for a white boy and they said I had big muscles. I loved them! The time was moving so slowly. I had to wait 9 hours just to get my wristband, which would give me the opportunity to wait another 6 hours to meet Bieber. It seemed daunting! But the time did seem to go by pretty quickly. Luckily, there was a Dunkin Donuts around the corner that let us use their bathroom. I paced back and forth, stretched my legs and talked with my band of misfits. Barbara had a lot of interesting stories. It was really nice because they let me save a spot at the front of the wristband holder line after I waited in the line to buy my wristbands. That saved hours!

I have to admit that I didn't put much thought into what I'd need to spend the night on the street. Luckily, I'm not homeless. I didn't bring anything to sit on, anything to eat or anything to keep warm with. Yikes. It was much cooler than I thought it was going to be mid-June. I texted my friend, Josh, and was nice enough to bring me his camo Snuggie, some water and protein bars. He pretty much saved my life because I don't think I'd have been able to stand outside all night without it. Now warm and in better spirits, but I have to admit that I was wondering what the hell I was doing standing on the sidewalk in snuggie in New York in the middle of the night. I chalked it up to being a good brother and an interesting story.

Around 5:00 am I went to the door where the people without wristbands would start lining up. No sleep, just waiting. Slowly the streets came to life and I had least had some people to watch. I did have to pee in an alley because Dunkin Donuts' bathroom broke. It was creepy because this alley would have been perfect for an abduction / rape scene on Law and Order: SVU. At 8:00, they opened the doors and I was the first to go downstairs and buys my two copies of the Believe, which came with two wristbands. Part 1 of mission? Accomplished. I emailed Pam and told her that I could get a copy for her daughter, Tori, or she could join me. I didn't really do it to carry favor. I did it to share the experience. It's once-in-a-lifetime and why not share it was as many people as possible.

We still had 6 more hours to wait. But around 12:00 they had us start packing up and they began handing out the albums. I started to get nervous because I told Pam that Tori could probably get there around 1:30 and have plenty of time. Who expects anything to start on time? No one. Morris was driving her from Warren and I know that traffic was going to be bad. Oh no! What if she didn't make it? The scene from Deep Impact came to mind. It was the part where the parents hand Leelee Sobeski the baby. They're giving her all these instructions and they're panicking. That's what I felt like when I saw her. I wanted to be like "Here's your wristband. Quick. Put it on and here's your CD." But we had plenty of time so I was able to relax. I saw that black Lexus with Jersey plates pull up about a half hour later. Phew! No more obstacles in the way.

At about 2:45 we could tell that things were about to start. Tori was so nervous. It was cute. She didn't know what she'd say when she met him and neither did I. The people that I had spent the last 15 hours with were getting excited. We were such a band of characters. We headed inside in small batches but we were at the front of the line. It was freezing in the store, which was decked out with Bieber posters and cut-outs. I could tell he was walking in moreso by the deafening shrieks from the young girls rather than seeing him. But I caught a glimpse as he walked down the aisle to the stage. I got pretty excited, not hysterical like the others. Some adults started talking and no one cared. We wanted Bieber.

We started going up. So nervous! Tori went first and I tried to get a picture, but they were so strict. They wouldn't let us take pictures of him while we were getting our autographs. They didn't properly explain it so the lady yelled at me twice. It was weird because I was getting yelled at and I didn't know what I was doing wrong. Oh well. I walked up and touched his hand when I handed him my copy of the CD. I said thanks and left. I didn't really know what to say. I was a little starstruck. It was very chaotic. Lots of photographers and so many staff members - it was really a clusterfuck. But he's Bieber so it's understandable. He seemed nice and he was good-looking.

Finally, it was over. Over 16 hours of standing ended after meeting him for about 20 seconds. I would say that it was worth it though. Renee was beyond elated when I told her and I get this really cool experience. Now all I had to do was go home and sleep...and sleep. I would never do it again, but it was fun. I kept the signed booklet from the cd as a souvenir. I'll probably matte and frame it. It'll be a reminder of such a crazy, spontaneous once-in-a-lifetime experience.

At Peace

I second guess myself, especially with guys. I basically have a relationship rear-view mirror because I'm always looking back. But, I think that I've finally figured out how to respect the memories of past boyfriends and still move forward with my life.

Each time Antonio and I would break up (three times in total), I'd have this intense panic that I'd made a huge mistake. The instant freedom (or loneliness) was terrifying. I'd try to rationalize that problem had to be with me and that I could find a way to make it work. I had so many questions. How do I know if I made the right choice? He remains one of the most beautiful, caring and lovable men that I've ever met. Everything about him is perfect. We were great together, but also completely great separately. I was okay on my own. I want what Carrie Bradshaw describes as "ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each love." What made everything so hard is that I never wanted to hurt him. As much as I wanted everything to work, I could just tell that he wasn't the one for me.

The failure of my first post-Brian relationship really made me scared. What if he's the one person for me? What if no one else will be able to match the intensity and passion? It seemed like a logical fear. But then I started to remember that along with that passion came a lot of tears, resentment and heartache. Slowly, I began to realize that he wasn't the one for me. What we had ended years ago. Holding onto a memory isn't the same thing as holding onto someone. I noticed that as I began to let go of the hope that things could have been different, my anger towards him began to dissipate. I can't recall where I was, but I just remember having this intense "aha" moment. I was happy for him. Sure, he didn't pick me. He chose to live in the closest (to keep the story simple). But he is loved and he has someone to love and protect him. And isn't that really all I should want for him? And just like that...the anger was gone.

I had so much growth and maturity in such a short time. With all the confusion and questions of the past few months, I really needed someone impartial and mature to listen to my ramblings. I found a therapist and he was great. He was much more of a sounding board than a mystic with the answers. One day I was leaving his office and I stopped outside the elevator to get my headphones out and I had this huge epiphany. It doesn't have to be one or the other - Brian or Antonio. Both men are incredible and brought so much to my life. I treasure my time with both, but neither were right for me. I can take the experiences with both and move forward and eventually find someone who fulfills all my needs. I must have looked crazy because it didn't take long to untangle my headphones and I was standing there for a while. Oh well, I'm sure my revelation didn't bother anyone else.

It's a great feeling to have closure with both relationships. I hope Antonio and I will be great friends. We get along so well and I still care so much about him. I'd be lucky to have him my life. What makes me feel really good is that I want happiness for him more than I want it for myself. He deserves it. And Brian? I really hope that he's content with his life. I can now really be his friend. He no longer has anything that I want other than his friendship. The anger towards everyone in his life is gone and I truly wish them the best. It feels so good to be ready to move forward and finally be at peace.