Agony

You can't have ecstasy without a little agony. Yesterday, I wrote about the amazing time that I had when Lindsay and A.J. came to visit me in NYC. I did. It was awesome. I did so many things that I'd never done before.

However, there were those moment of agony. Going clubbing where the bartenders look like gods? Going to brunch and having a waiter that looks more like an Abercrombie model than a server? Just walking down the street where everyone is in the clique and perfectly dressed and moisturized? It's painful.

I always said that I was gonna get in shape. Not just being at a healthy weight, but really get in shape. I always wanted to look like the guys in the underwear ads. Somehow, I never got there. I'm making progress now, but sometimes I feel like I'm 22 and it's too late. I'm still skinny. I want to be muscular and sexy and confident.

I think that during my normal day to day life, I don't think about it too much. But when you go to Chelsea, you have to be on. It's like a constant Calvin Klein ad / fashion show. I think the trick will be being happy with myself the way I am, not being happy when / if I reach this idealistic idea of beauty. However, I sometimes think spending hours and hours in the gym would be easier than dealing with all my insecurities.