Babe

It felt physically impossible to get out of bed this morning. Sure, I had to pee and I was hungry but I just couldn't will myself to stumble the twenty steps to the bathroom. Eventually I was able to move to the couch. I watched The Grudge. Arguably, Sarah Michelle Geller had a worse day than I did.

Antonio and I broke up last night. I began to feel like we were so good together, but also so good apart. I didn't feel like I couldn't live without him. I didn't have that nauseous, nervous, butterfly feeling in my stomach when I saw him. That always worried me. I can remember taking cabs home after great dates and smiling and feeling content. Is that the same thing? Is that better or worse?

I felt paralyzed when the issue of moving in together came up. I'd only been living along for about a year. I'd only one other boyfriend (and even that title doesn't really count). Am I ready? Is he the one? Can anyone know that at 24? If don't know now, will I ever? Is breaking up necessary? Why can't I let lower these walls I put up?

With all these questions, it seemed like breaking up was a good idea. Now that we did the teary-eyed goodbye, I find myself thinking "what the fuck was I thinking?" I feel dead inside. It feels like someone cut me in half. Antonio is my best friend and now that I can't text him whenever I want or go see him, it feels like a part of me is missing. I don't get it. I thought that I'd feel like I was doing the right thing, but now I'm so confused.

I was at the gym tonight and I was putting my stuff in the locker and I was distracted and I noticed that I felt sad. In that split second that I forgot why I was sad, I thought, "oh, I should tell Antonio about this." Then I remember that not having him was why I was sad.

It's ironic. Part of the reason we broke up is because I didn't have that butterfly in my stomach feeling. Now that I don't have him, I have...well not much of anything in my stomach because it's too much effort to eat anything. Did I give up to easily? I feel like I never made an effort to talk and I'm paying the consequences of it now.

He had said that I need to date other people because I'm young. But I don't want that. He's an amazing man that I love. Why did I fuck this up? We didn't use to see each other much during the week. It was one of the things that I always felt was kind of off. But now I wish that I had made that effort. I would give anything to have the option of spending time with him. If I could do it over again, I would talk and be a total lesbian and share my feelings.

I wish that he'd come and rescue me from myself. I wish that he would read this and see how crazy I am. I wish that I could fix this...