Babe

It felt physically impossible to get out of bed this morning. Sure, I had to pee and I was hungry but I just couldn't will myself to stumble the twenty steps to the bathroom. Eventually I was able to move to the couch. I watched The Grudge. Arguably, Sarah Michelle Geller had a worse day than I did.

Antonio and I broke up last night. I began to feel like we were so good together, but also so good apart. I didn't feel like I couldn't live without him. I didn't have that nauseous, nervous, butterfly feeling in my stomach when I saw him. That always worried me. I can remember taking cabs home after great dates and smiling and feeling content. Is that the same thing? Is that better or worse?

I felt paralyzed when the issue of moving in together came up. I'd only been living along for about a year. I'd only one other boyfriend (and even that title doesn't really count). Am I ready? Is he the one? Can anyone know that at 24? If don't know now, will I ever? Is breaking up necessary? Why can't I let lower these walls I put up?

With all these questions, it seemed like breaking up was a good idea. Now that we did the teary-eyed goodbye, I find myself thinking "what the fuck was I thinking?" I feel dead inside. It feels like someone cut me in half. Antonio is my best friend and now that I can't text him whenever I want or go see him, it feels like a part of me is missing. I don't get it. I thought that I'd feel like I was doing the right thing, but now I'm so confused.

I was at the gym tonight and I was putting my stuff in the locker and I was distracted and I noticed that I felt sad. In that split second that I forgot why I was sad, I thought, "oh, I should tell Antonio about this." Then I remember that not having him was why I was sad.

It's ironic. Part of the reason we broke up is because I didn't have that butterfly in my stomach feeling. Now that I don't have him, I have...well not much of anything in my stomach because it's too much effort to eat anything. Did I give up to easily? I feel like I never made an effort to talk and I'm paying the consequences of it now.

He had said that I need to date other people because I'm young. But I don't want that. He's an amazing man that I love. Why did I fuck this up? We didn't use to see each other much during the week. It was one of the things that I always felt was kind of off. But now I wish that I had made that effort. I would give anything to have the option of spending time with him. If I could do it over again, I would talk and be a total lesbian and share my feelings.

I wish that he'd come and rescue me from myself. I wish that he would read this and see how crazy I am. I wish that I could fix this...

ABC Kitchen

Being a foodie is a privilege. Trying new restaurants and different cuisines can be lots of fun, but it can also be insanely expensive. It doesn't help that being from a small town, I'm usually satisfied with a sandwich from Subway. I do, however, have enjoy eating at nice restaurants and trying new foods.

I was lucky enough to be part of an amazing team to help organize our annual sales meeting at work. We all worked so well together and put together an amazing presentation. Afterwards, we needed to debrief and discuss what we should change for next year. It's best to have these meetings over lunch, so we picked ABC Kitchen. It's a very earthy, natural restaurant on 18th near Broadway. It was voted one of the 2011 James Beard Award Winner for Best New Restaurant. Obviously, I had high hopes.



We ordered crab toast with lemon aioli and pretzel dusted calamari as appetizers. OMG. It was heaven. I could have just had our serve keeping bringing serving after serving of these two. Now it's very rare that I get to try a new, hip restaurant and not have to worry about the prices on the menu. I took advantage and ordered something I'd never tried before - lobster. Hmm...it was interesting. It tasted good, spicy. But I didn't really know how to eat it and it wasn't very filling.

I was ready to wipe my hands and head back to the office. Just then the server brings over the dessert menu. Now, I'm trying very hard to eat healthy (borderline eating disorder), but how can I pass up dessert in such a great restaurant? Impossible. Everyone else ordered the sundae - salted caramel ice cream, candied peanuts & popcorn, whipped cream, chocolate. It was AMAZING! It had a perfect blend of salty and sweet flavors combined with smooth ice cream and crunchy peanuts and caramel popcorn. It's quite possibly the best dessert I've ever had.



It was a great experience. I would definitely go back to ABC Kitchen again. The food was amazing, but getting to celebrate and have a discussion with such an amazing team was even better. It's a great feeling to be a valued member of the group. I love that everyone worked together on their individual assignments to produce an event that many agree was one of our best sales meetings ever.

Valentine's Day

I love Valentine's Day! It's just such a happy holiday. This year was no exception. I bought Barbie valentines with lollipops for all the ladies in our office. They loved it. It made me feel good to make them feel good. It costs next to nothing to bring a smile to someone's face.

I like to plan Valentine's Day for Antonio and I. He's so sweet throughout the year that I like to do something really special for him. This year, I tried to be a little sneaky. He had mentioned that he wanted to go to Spot Dessert Bar a few months ago. I kept that information in my back pocket for a long time. I used Yelp to find a list of restaurants near Spot. Christina, in our office, is a foodie and restaurant expert. She and Martha recommend Gemma at the Bowery Hotel.

Our reservation for was 8:45 and it was a quick cab ride to the East Village from Chelsea. The atmosphere of the restaurant was amazing! It had an old-world feel. It was like a mix between Phantom of the Opera and Pirates of the Caribbean. The candelabras had pounds of waxed caked around the bottom and the mirrors had an charming, aged look. If I could, I would love to live in this restaurant. We started with grape / basil and burrata and prosciutto crostini. They were so good! The bread was toasted perfectly and everything was very fresh. I ordered the veal with mushrooms and Antonio got the short ribs. My food was pretty good, though the veal was a little boring. I'd definitely go back though.



Now for dessert. Like I said, I tried to be sneaky. But Antonio hates surprises so he did a little research and figured out that Spot was just a few blocks away from Gemma. But he said that he liked it better way so he wouldn't be worried that I'd flown in Christina Aguilera to serenade him or organized a flash mob. Spot was packed! I was so surprised that we breezed into dinner and then had to wait for dessert. It was a Japanese-fusion dessert bar. Everything sounded familiar but then had a little twist. We ordered three desserts (one for each and then we split one). I ordered Thai tea creme brulee. It had the same texture and consistency that I'm used to, but had a very unique taste. I liked it. Antonio got a fancy coconut cheesecake. I'm not a fan of coconut, but all the unique flavors and added touches made it good. The best was the white miso semifreddo. It had raspberries, EVOO, almond tuile, and raspberry sorbet. Now I don't know what most of those ingredients are, but they were DELICIOUS. It had a buttery/salty taste that was so unexpected, but so good! I'd order this every time.



It was such a fun evening! It was surprising because we were both somewhat nervous. We go to dinner casually a lot, but rarely a formal date. It was cute. It felt it was our first date all over again. Ah...cloud nine.

The MDNA Era

Every new Madonna album marks the end of the previous era and the start of a new one (one that's shiny and new). Hard Candy is now a thing of the past and MDNA is fast approaching. Madonna has been everywhere recently and I love it! She did an interview on Anderson, premiered her new movie, released her new album art, distributed her new single on iTunes AND performed at the halftime show at the Super Bowl.

I have to admit that I was nervous when I heard that Nicki Minaj and MIA were featured on the lead single, Give Me All Your Luvin'. I feel like people would see it as an attempt to stay relevant. Personally, I don't think she needs anyone to carry her. Some of my favorite songs are from her most recent albums. I didn't like the demo of the song that leaked onto the internet a few months ago. I was not anticipating liking, but the final version instantly grew on me. Nicki and MIA really contributed to the song, without taking over. It's a perfect mix old and new!



This past weekend was a whirlwind for Madonna. She released the single last Friday and the geared up for her first time performing at the Super Bowl. What is she going to do? What songs is she going to sing? I had so many questions! It was the first time that I had an interest in watching the Super Bowl. In my opinion, she killed it! Her entrance to Vogue was stunning and free of any flaws. It was so regal and powerful! I die every time I watch it. Sure, she had a misstep during Music, but who cares? When everyone can sing and dance in front of over 100 million people flawlessly, then I'll criticize her. Give Me All Your Luvin' was appropriate for the show and having Like A Prayer was...almost spiritual. I sound dramatic, but it was just so beautiful and powerful! I give her performance an A+



Lastly, I pre-ordered the album on iTunes and saw the track-listing. Some of the titles, I Fucked Up and Gang Bang, piqued my interested. What direction is this album going to take? Is it going to be pure fun? Will it have some deeper tracks? Will he be somewhat generic like Hard Candy or a masterpiece like Confessions on a Dance Floor or Ray of Light. So many questions and too much speculation.

MDNA will be released on March 26th and I can't wait! I'm so excited to have the Queen return to her rightful seat on the throne!

Icebox

Winter is that time of year where you're always shivering and can see your breath as you exhale. Usually that only happens when your outside, but it's happening inside as I type on my iPad. Let's back up for a second. I got a voicemail at work on Friday afternoon. The managing agent of my apartment building was calling to let me know that there was a catastrophic failure of the boiler. It was the scariest voicemail ever! He stumbled and paused after the word catastrophic. I was thinking a catastrophic what? Fire? Earthquake? What? I relieved that he only said we were without heat and hot water. Well...I was relieved until I realized how much it was gonna suck.

I got home after work to find my apartment looked exactly he way it did when I left in the morning. The only difference was that it was freezing! I tried to figure out a way to shave, but gave up when I realized how hard it'd be without heat or hot water. I spent Friday and Saturday night at Antonio's apartment, but I had things I needed to do today (aka go to the gym). They were able to get the hot water working, but I'm still without heat.

It's like being outside. Im watching tv and can see my breath. I always l Ike to wear loose clothes, but not tonight. Usually I lounge around in shorts and a tank top. Now I'm wearing long johns, two pairs of socks and a fleece. Thank god my mom knows how to crochet because either blanket she made me is probably the only thing keeping hypothermia at bay.

I have to admit that I'm also pretty mad with the management company. They appreciate our patience and apologize for the inconvenience. Hmmm. Not having heat in early October or late March is an inconvenience. Not having heat in NYC in January with snow othe ground can be deadly. I hope the elderly people and peopled with children are managing through this.

As inconvenient and uncomfortable as I am, I have to admit that it does make me more appreciative. There are so many homeless people in NYC. I walk down the street and see them sleeping blahkets. As cold as I am now, it's nothing compared to sleeping outside. I also used to think that my apartment was always cold, but now I realize how lucky I really I am.

They say that they should have a brand new boiler installed by the end of the day on Tuesday. I can't wait until this whole icebox ordeal is over.

Posted from my iPad 2

How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying

Everyone knows that no one really remembers what you give them as a gift. What you remember is the way the gift made you feel. That is certainly the case with the gift that my boss, Tresa, gave me for Christmas. She gave me an envelope with a card inside promising two tickets to any Broadway show. I was super excited! Going to see a musical is a real treat because the cost for good seats can be astronomical. But what show to see?

It seems serendipitous that Darren Criss started his 3-week run in How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying. He makes Antonio and I swoon so it seemed like the perfect choice. But could she get us tickets? Yep! I mentioned it last Monday and she had tickets for us for last Friday's show. Not only were we going to the show, but we were sitting in the second row in the center of the orchestra. It was so surreal when the ushers were showing us to our seats. We could see into the orchestra pit before we sat down. It was awesome!

The show opened with Darren Criss (J. Pierrepont Finch) reading a book and washing windows. He comes up from the orchestra pit on a little swing as the narrator begins the story. He's sitting on this swing high above the stage, but he's still so close. It was an incredible experience! We were so close to all the actors. It felt like we could jump up and join them for some choreographed song and dance.

I was really impressed with the entire show! It is the best show I've ever seen on Broadway. The fact that I knew nothing about the show really allowed me to enjoy it a lot more. All the songs were great, especially A Secretary is Not A Toy, The Company Way, and Brotherhood of Man. The dances were amazing and the chorus men were super hot! It was just a fun ride! Darren sounded just as good live as he does on Glee. Start to finish, it was absolutely amazing. Nick Jonas, who will take over for Darren Criss at the end of the month, has some awfully big shoes to fill.

Death of a Small Town

I rarely visit my hometown and when I do it's solely to visit my family. This past Christmas was a little bit different. I was also able to drive around a little and explore the places I used to call home. It was shocking! West Grove (where my mom lived) was completely over-developed. The small cul-de-sac I grew on up that only have 5 houses was once surrounded by corn fields and and trees. Now, those corn fields have been replaced with cookie-cutter homes. What worse is that Parkesburg (where my dad lived) appears to have taken an Ambien. The entire town is exactly the same as I remember it being six years ago when I left. The only thing that seemed to change was the accelerated rate of decay.

I never liked playing outside when I was a kid. I preferred to watch TV or play with my action figures or Legos under my lofted bed. But I can still appreciate the environment in which I grew up. I remember playing with Lisa, my next door neighbor, and exploring with Van, the slightly creepy kid that lived a few houses away. It was nice to have the opportunity to run around and be kids in a very innocent setting. On my first trip back to the old neighborhood (see picture below), I was so surprised by how much everything had changed. The once small town has slowly been replaced with sub-developments and big, shopping centers. The open land that I was so used to seeing is now gone. It's pretty sad that a new generation of kids won't get the same opportunity to grow up the way I did.



While West Grove has boomed and grown, Parkesburg hasn't changed at all. The town was slowly declining even when my dad was still living there and it hasn't gotten any better. When we first moved there is was a cute small town. It has a grocery store, hardware store, churches, parks and various restaurants and little stores. It wasn't a tourist destination but it was a nice place to raise a family. Now most things are gone. The Acme and hardware store went out of business at least seven years ago when the Walmart opened near the highway. Those huge spaces still sit vacant like a giant black eye. The stores that remain open look exactly the same - right down to the signs above the door. Nothing has changed!



One of the saddest examples of the decay was the shopping the center across town. There are train tracks that divide the town into two sides. The smaller part of town had a bridge every block to connect to the major part of town. Once the bridge closest to the shopping center closed because it was structurally unsound, every store went out of business. The place I used to get my hair cut and go tanning? Closed. The video store? Closed. The Super Fresh...closed? The holistic, organic grocery store that opened next? Closed within a few months. Now the entire shopping center sits empty next to the dilapidated bridge that is overgrown with vines and weeds.



It was really depressing to see how many places from my childhood aren't there anymore. I have so many good memories and it's weird that no one will be able to have those experiences. Both towns that I grew up have died. West Grove lost the small-town country charm that I remember and Parkesburg lost the will to grow into the future.