H.A.T.E.U.

"Once upon a time
we swore not to say goodbye
Something got a hold of us and we changed
Then you sat alone in pride
And I sat at home and cried
How'd our fairytale just end up this way?

We went round for round til' we knocked love out
We were laying in the ring, not making a sound
And if that's a metaphor of you and I
Why is it so hard to say goodbye?

I can't wait to hate you
Make you, pain like I do
Still can't shake you off.
I can't wait to break through
These emotional changes
Seems like such a lost 'cause
I can't wait to face you
Break you, down so low
There's no place left to go..

I can't wait to hate you..

Love is, was a love phenomenon no one could explain
And I wish, I could press reset
And feel that feeling again
I sit and press rewind and watch us everynight
Wanna pause it, but I can't make it stay

We went round for round til' we knocked love out
We were laying in the ring, not making a sound
And if that's a metaphor of you and I
Why is it so hard to say g'bye?

I can't wait to hate you
Make you, pain like I do
Still can't shake you off.
I can't wait to break through
these emotional changes
seems like such a lost 'cause
I can't wait to face you
break you, down so low
there's no place left to go

I can't wait to hate you

No need to call my phone cause I changed my number today
Amatter fact, I think i'm moving away
Sorry, the frustrations got me feeling that way
And I just keep having one last thing to say
And I just wanna hold you,
Touch you, feel you, be near you, I miss you baby baby baby..
I'm tired of try'na fake through, but there's nothing I can do..

Boy, I can't wait to hate you"

~Mariah Carey

Long Island / Coney Island

I love getting out and exploring New York. It's always more fun with someone. That's why I was so excited when Crystal told me she was coming to New York for a college fair. I was so excited to meet up with her in Long Island. I can remember spending many hours in her office in Admissions when I was supposed to be entering tour cards.

Since I'm almost proficient in the ways of NYC, buying my ticket and catching the LIRR was a piece of cake. I didn't really know what to expect of Long Island. It's not one of the five boroughs, but I have this image of New York. I picture snowy mountains, beautiful homes in the woods and lakes. Granted, I'm sure this is how it does look upstate, but that is NOT what Long Island is like. It seemed stuck in the 1980s. The college hosting the fair was straight out of 16 Candles. Everything was old and in need of repair.

But Crystal and I were having a great time. She's one of those people that I hadn't seen in months, but we were able to pick up like nothing had changed - I love that feeling. The highlight of the fair was when she tried to drink water without putting her mouth on the bottle. Did she succeed? No, oh no, she failed miserably and spilled water all down her shirt. We did have a few people stop by our table and it felt great to be able to deliver my Radford schpeel again.

After the fair, we took the train to Penn Station and the caught the Q to Coney Island. Unfortunately, the Q only went half way there because they were doing renovations. Great! So, we had to take a bus to Coney Island. Ah, it was an adventure and we got to see a lot of Brooklyn, which made me glad I live in Manhattan.

Finally, we reached Coney Island only to find that it's closed. And not just for the summer - forever. I later found out that they are tearing it down and revamping the whole area. So, no ferris wheel, freak show, Nathan's hot dog or rollercoaster for me :-(
But we did get to walk on the beach - something I haven't done in years and walk on a pier way out over the ocean. We had dinner at Subway in the subway and then were both extremely grossed out by the ghetto-est bathroom ever.

All in all, it was perfect! It was so much fun to hang out with Crystal and do something. I'm usually the guy who just hangs out home. It was nice to get out and do something for a change. But, now Crystal's recruiting in Boston. I guess I'll go back to being lonely.

Too Many Kanyes

So Brian forwarded this emails that someone had sent him. They called him horrible names, etc because of what he had written about the budget cuts at Radford. I can understand a meaningful, even heated, discussion about an issue. What I can't understand is why people think it's okay to attack someone's personal life. Let's get one thing straight. I am the only one who gets to yell at Brian about his life choices. And trust me, I do.

The email wasn't all about him. They called me his boy toy who was a stupid ditz. They said that he only called me when he was horny. Wow. That really pissed me off. I love how people think they know anything. No one has a clue about Brian and I's past (or maybe present) relationship. And to make me seem like some stupid slut who is just ready and waiting for him really pissed me off.

But what they said is really not the point. Brian and I know about us. I don't need to justify anything. I have absolutely no regrets (said in the voice of Madonna from the Human Nature video). My issue is why this person who was clearly mad at Brian felt the need to bring me into it.

I'm almost glad this happened. Because it taught me a valuable lesson. If you have an opinion and it does not involve you and no one really wants to hear, maybe it's best to just not say anything. There are just too many Kanyes in this world.

The Wrong Men

Everyone has a type. Anyone who says they don't is either lying or hasn't figured out what theirs is yet. My type seems to be guys I can't have. But it's more than that. I seem to be drawn to guys who don't treat me the way I want.

Brian is a great guy. But I can't have him. Our relationship / friendship (it really seems more like a relationship without talking about love or sex) is okay. I still find myself logging onto Facebook at work just to chat with him. It's not an issue as long as I get my work done. As much as I love him, our relationship was really rocky. It was a constant battle; a constant struggle. I was always chasing him and pushing him. We never got the place where we could just be. As real as our love is, our relationship never became real.

Okay, that is one case. Now I've got Soman. That's quite possibly one of the biggest exaggerations ever. I don't have him, nor do I want him. He's older and not my "type" at all. For the record, my type is someone who is cute, wears polos and flip-flops, is toned, and likes to read, go to museums and hold my hand. He is none of those - albeit he is kinda cute. He has said that he only like gorgeous guys (aka not me), but that he also likes cute guys (aka me ) to fool around with. Um...how about hell no! He is, by his own admission, not romantic at all. He thinks that romantic gestures are only suitable for movies. Um...no. I am so romantic. I love surprising people and doing sweet things.

It's obvious that he and I would never make it as a couple. To be honest, I don't want to be in a relationship with him. Why then do I find myself texting him? Why does he text me? I have a hypothesis. Because I know that it'll never get serious, I'll always be available if things change with Brian. But can it really be that simple? If I wanted something fun with no strings attached, I could find it. Why do I keep going back for more?

Sometimes I think that being happy scares me. I have this grand vision of what I want my life to be. Maybe I'm afraid to be with someone who treats me well and might love me in return because I'm afraid to lose it. Maybe I'm not comfortable with myself and therefore it's easier to have a casual friendship with benefits with someone for whom I don't have deep feelings.

Maybe I say that I want one thing, but really want another. If I really wanted to be in a romantic, sweet relationship I would be done with Soman and Brian. I'd find someone wonderful who loves me and treats me the way I want. Maybe that's not what I want. Maybe I like the chase. Maybe I like the disappointment.

You are probably getting the picture of what it's like inside my head. I think entirely too much.

Friends

There are a million things to do in New York on any given night. It's amazing! However, I don't have people with which to do those things. It's hard because the people I work with are all older and I can't really be friends with them that way I want. Katherine is friggin' hilarious and I love her, but she's 35 and has two kids. I think it'd be hard for her to go out and party with me. We're at two different points in life. Maybe I'm just making excuses.

Soman, he's a whole other story, says that I need to get a gay crew. I think he's right, but where do I start? He suggested going to gay clubs and meeting people. Um...I don't think that you go clubbing to meet your new bff. Drinking, dancing and making out - not exactly how I picture friendships blossoming. But, I do need to start somewhere.

My roommates are great! We hang out and stuff, but I can't take them to Chelsea. I'm sure they don't really want to go clubbing and seeing me drop it like it's hot. Not that they're judgmental, but I need a place or a group of people that are my own.

I really wish I could transplant all my friends from Radford. I need a Lora, Carl, Emily, Julianna, Tonise, Skeens, Meredith, etc. I need these high-caliber type people in my life in New York.

I want to have fun, but I don't want to do it alone.

My iTunes, Myself

My old laptop went kaput. But, after fours years I should have seen it coming. I was relieved to learn that extracting my old data wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. I paid someone to do it for me. Geek Squad was able to save all my documents, pictures, and (most importantly), my music.

Once I got my new computer back with all my old information, I had the task of reorganizing my iTunes library. It was actually pretty simple - click and drag. I had to download a lot of artwork and recreate my playlists, but now it is almost exactly the same as it was on my old laptop.

The only thing that's different is my play counts. Sound minor, right? Not quite. Hung Up (Radio Edit) was my top song with a play count of over 260. That is an impressive number. My personal life is reflected in my top 10 as well. Erotica (You Thrill Me) and Get Together (Live) were my anthems during my life in college. Expanding it out to my top 100, you see this mosaic of me. Such diversity - Cher, Madonna, Celine Dion, Britney. So many genres, decades, styles.

I also found myself puzzled by some of the songs that I found being imported into my new library. Ol' Dirty Bastard, Loretta Lynn, Paris Hilton, Ricky Martin. What was I thinking?

Now, I rebuild. I guess this is a reinvention. I start over. I find old and new songs that reflect my style and where I am in my life. Maybe this is a good thing. I can let my new top 10 reflect a new me.

Spasiba

I LOVE weddings! I went to Baku Palace in Brooklyn last night to go to a Russian / Jewish wedding with Erica. It was an uber short ceremony (like 10 minutes), but it was nice. The rest of the night was spent eating and drinking and dancing. The reception was gorgeous! Elegant...sexy...just what I want.

The food was amazing. Each table has about a dozen plates of food and it was all delicious. We had caviar, crab salad, lamb, roasted potatoes. They spared no expense! Another area that was top tier was the alcohol. We had at least three bottles of Absolut at our table, plus bottles of wine and cognac.

But before we had time to sit down, eat, or drink, we had to dance. We did that traditional Jewish dance where everyone moves around in a circle. Then...they put the bride and groom on chairs and lifted them up. I knew they were going to do this, but I didn't expect the DJ to grab my arm and make me help. So...there I was holding the front leg of the chair holding the bride. Um...scary. I could only concentrate on not dropping her. But, it all went well! The bride and groom kissed up in the chairs, it was really sweet.

We danced and drank and drank and drank. I drunk texted Brian like four times about how I wanted to marry him and I loved him. Someone should really have taken my phone away. Oh well, I was just being honest.

By about 12:30, I was tired and ready to go home. We still had an hour and a half subway ride. Everything was going well until we got on the subway. All the rocking back and forth did little to settle my stomach (filled with vodka, caviar and sooo much fresh fruit). We had to get off at Cortelyou so I could throw up in a trash can. How sanitary. Me...hugging a subway trash can in my fancy suit. Ah classy! Ah well, shit happens.

It was such a fun evening. Sure, almost everything was in Russian. Sure, I almost throw up on the subway. But, I'm beginning to think that's life. This is life. These are the things that I'm gonna remember fondly. Seeing Erica was sooo much fun. It's nice to have friends that you cannot see for a long time and pick up like they never left.