Everyone has a type. Anyone who says they don't is either lying or hasn't figured out what theirs is yet. My type seems to be guys I can't have. But it's more than that. I seem to be drawn to guys who don't treat me the way I want.
Brian is a great guy. But I can't have him. Our relationship / friendship (it really seems more like a relationship without talking about love or sex) is okay. I still find myself logging onto Facebook at work just to chat with him. It's not an issue as long as I get my work done. As much as I love him, our relationship was really rocky. It was a constant battle; a constant struggle. I was always chasing him and pushing him. We never got the place where we could just be. As real as our love is, our relationship never became real.
Okay, that is one case. Now I've got Soman. That's quite possibly one of the biggest exaggerations ever. I don't have him, nor do I want him. He's older and not my "type" at all. For the record, my type is someone who is cute, wears polos and flip-flops, is toned, and likes to read, go to museums and hold my hand. He is none of those - albeit he is kinda cute. He has said that he only like gorgeous guys (aka not me), but that he also likes cute guys (aka me ) to fool around with. Um...how about hell no! He is, by his own admission, not romantic at all. He thinks that romantic gestures are only suitable for movies. Um...no. I am so romantic. I love surprising people and doing sweet things.
It's obvious that he and I would never make it as a couple. To be honest, I don't want to be in a relationship with him. Why then do I find myself texting him? Why does he text me? I have a hypothesis. Because I know that it'll never get serious, I'll always be available if things change with Brian. But can it really be that simple? If I wanted something fun with no strings attached, I could find it. Why do I keep going back for more?
Sometimes I think that being happy scares me. I have this grand vision of what I want my life to be. Maybe I'm afraid to be with someone who treats me well and might love me in return because I'm afraid to lose it. Maybe I'm not comfortable with myself and therefore it's easier to have a casual friendship with benefits with someone for whom I don't have deep feelings.
Maybe I say that I want one thing, but really want another. If I really wanted to be in a romantic, sweet relationship I would be done with Soman and Brian. I'd find someone wonderful who loves me and treats me the way I want. Maybe that's not what I want. Maybe I like the chase. Maybe I like the disappointment.
You are probably getting the picture of what it's like inside my head. I think entirely too much.
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