Alone

I do this to myself all the time. I like to be alone and then I feel lonely. It would be great if there was a way I could be alone and not lonely. Oh wait, that's how I feel around Brian. Comfortable. Relaxed. Fulfilled. But that's kinda not an option right now, or ever...who knows.

I can't tell if it's because my self-confidence is so low that I worry what others are thinking about me...all the time. I wish that I could just do my thing and not care what people think. Sometimes I think that most people don't really care. I think that I am so inside my own head that I just make things up and then get all worked up over nothing.

Sometimes I think that I just have too much time to think. I feel kinda like I'm stuck between two worlds. I've got my home life with Michele and Kasey and then I've got my New York life at work. I don't see a point in trying to make friends with people in Jersey. I don't see the point in trying to make friends with people in New York yet since it'll be at least another six weeks before I move into the city. I love the people I work with and I'm excited about New York, but sometimes I worry that I'm just going to do the same thing I did in Radford. I'll go to work, go to the gym, go running in the park and then go home. I don't go out - it doesn't matter if it's Sharkeys or Studio 54.

Sometimes I just wish that I could not think or feel. Sometimes I wish I could just go on autopilot. But then again, is autopilot living? Is constantly wondering what other think living?