Memphis

I love Broadway. I think that we, as Americans, have gotten used to actors who sing and singers who act. With autotune and editing, you don't really have to have too much vocal ability to become a star. But on Broadway there is no autotune or lip-syncing or body doubles and second takes. You gotta do it perfectly the first time and perfect accurately describes Memphis.

Kasey got tickets to take student group from his school as part of Black History month and he took me with his extra ticket. This time we were in the balcony, rather than the orchestra. It's interesting - even though we were much higher, the distance from the stage is about the same as the orchestra. You can see all the details of the set and actors. You just get a different angle.

The show was amazing! It was full of high energy and the main character had a beautiful, strong voice (and she was the understudy!). The story is about a white guy in Memphis during the 50s who enjoys black music and falls in love with a black singer. They date in secret because of the racism at the time. Eventually, the break up because he won't leave Tennessee and she wants to go to New York to pursue singing. They meet up four years later and duet at the Memphis stop in her national tour.

The show was so perfect because it addressed important issues - both past and present. I remember one line from Huey (the male lead). He asked, "why can't two adults who love each other get married?" Of course, he meant a one man and a black woman, but I can relate too. There was some drama that make the audience gasp, some dramatic moments and gun shots that scared the audience, and some really great, feel-good songs that had such electric energy. I would definitely see it again.

Millionaire Speed Dating: After

Wow! I have a habit of being reluctant to do something and then having a wonderful time doing it. Of course, tonight's speed dating turned out that way. Upon walking in, it was all kinda overwhelming. But I checked in and tried to be open and friendly. I mingled a little, a few hellos and smiles. After about 10 minutes (and one drink), things got started. I'll go through my dates below.

1) This guy made or sold protein powder. There was no attraction, but he was really nice and it was good way to break the ice.

2) This guy was really cute and we had a great conversation. He was from Pittsburg, so we obviously talked about the Steelers, Panthers, Penguins (all thanks to Spencer). I definitely was attracted and would go on a second date with him. We'll see.

3) They guy was nice. They give you a spot to make little reminder notes about date. I wrote "iPhone" for this guy because he told me that I just had to upgrade. I noticed he was looking away a lot. Um...pay attention.

4) This guy was funny and nice and kinda cute. We talked about Devil Wears Prada and our jobs. I told him that I could recite the movie and that I use my favorite quotes in real life. He asked my favorite quote was to see if we had the same one. I, of course, "No, no, that wasn't a question." Instantly, he started laughing because it was his favorite too.

5 - 8) I don't really remember these guys. I was on my second drink at this point. They were all very nice and the conversation was very pleasant. One gentlemen (#6, I think) was a little too old (like 65ish). It felt like a job interview rather than a date.

Afterwards, there was more mingle time where you could meet anyone (young or old). I met a few guys that I'd go to dinner with - I wrote their names down. Hugh, one of the people running the program, was talking to me and told me that I was popular. Of course, I was flattered and giddy.

Overall, I had a great time. I met some great guys that I'd hang out with and be friends with. I met one or two guys that I'd go on a second date with. No love at first sight (though the Pittsburg revelation was a "like whoa" moment). I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I think that it'd be good to hang out with my guys with similar interests and personalities like me.

This could be the first step in the right direction.

Millionaire Speed Dating: Before

I've never really been on a first date. I've always met someone in class or an organization or randomly and hung out and then that leads to a kiss and then it progresses. The whole idea of meeting someone for a formal dinner or movie with the intention of attempting to see if a relationship could form is a very foreign concept for me.

So, the idea of going on a series of short, mini-dates in one night sounds crazy. But, Soman emailed me about this millionaire speeding dating thing in Midtown West. I read all about it and was somewhat skeptical. But, I always find a million reasons not to do something. It's time to just do.

The one thing that is a little different about this speed dating is that it's divided into two groups. There is my group (35 and younger) and then there is the other group (35 and older and successful). You're instantly thinking about Anna Nicole and J. Howard Marshall. And at first so was I. But, I realized that I've always been more comfortable with older people. In high school, I would hang out with my teachers. In college, I would hang out in NSP and Admissions more than I would at BTs and Riley's (I actually never even went to Riley's). So, maybe this'll be a good fit. This isn't about money. As much as I joke about finding a guy to buy me fancy clothes and sparkly diamonds, I don't really mean it. I am an adult and I can take care of myself.

I'm not going in with an open mind and closed legs. I don't expect to meet anyone, but it'll be a fun experience, unless I get kidnapped and sold into slavery. You only live once and I'm tired of making excuses. I'll blog again afterwards to report.

Str8

I went down to the East Village last night for a coworker's birthday party at a pretty cool bar. He was completely wasted by the time I got there around 10:00. He bought me a shot of Patron and a screwdriver. I thought that I'd loosen up and have a good time. His friends seemed really cool, but I was never able to really open up. I'm naturally reserved, especially when I'm around people I don't know. But, I think that night was different.

People started dancing and he wanted me to dance. But, it's awkward. I don't know if this guy is gay or not. So, I don't really know how to dance with him. Some girls want to dance and I'm like, "Um...what do I do." I know how to grind and have fun when dancing with a guy, but not a girl. I can't tell if the whole crowd was straight, but I just felt left out. I love dancing and having a good time. I really wanted to leave and head west to Chelsea and go clubbing. But, I wasn't dressed for it.

It's also awkward when everyone knows each other and then I'm the only person from Sinai at the bar. What I think I want (keyword is think) is a group of guys who I can go out with. I want friends who like going to gay clubs and dancing and having a good time. Going clubbing solo is depressing. I want environment that isn't completely filled with girls dancing like sluts and guys who want to get in their pants.

I had a decent time - it was fun to get out for the night. But, the combination of feeling like an outsider and spending $39 for 4 shots left me a little disappointed. I just can't wait for it to warm and crazy nights in Chelsea.

Finally Over

This is something that should have ended pretty much before it started. But, those mistakes are in the past. Brian defriended me on facebook and I don't blame him. I said some terrible things - that seems to be how I roll. I instantly added him back and after several days of having it listed as pending he finally ignored it. Fine.

At first, it was like a punch in the stomach. I was upset - didn't cry, but close. I've found that I am unable to cry over him anymore. I could message him and ask him why. I could yell at him. But why? What would be the point? He made his bed and now he needs to lay in it - if he can fit (she is quite a fat cunt). Okay, that was my final mean comment about that fat, disgusting beached whale (okay, I guess that was the last one).

It's weird. The feelings don't go away. For a while, I was so happy. I hope to get back there one day. But the anger overshadows the happiness that I used to feel. I don't wish him happiness. I wish both of them the utmost loneliness and sadness. Sometimes the best things in life are the things you have to fight for. Sometimes you have to be brave and stand alone. If you can't do it, then you aren't really a man and you certainly aren't living your life for yourself.

Obviously, I'm still bitter about the whole thing. I probably won't ever get to the point where he and I can talk about our lives. I met him on September 4th, 2006 and I am finally done with him on February 10, 2010. I should have gotten to this point a long time ago. But, this will be the final blog on the subject.

12 Going On 23

I've been noticing a lot of odd similarities between myself and my little sister. We both like Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus, both have cell phones, both like shopping, and both can be total divas. Now, I'm sure she learned some of her traits and musical tastes from me. But, I think there's a lot more to it than that. She's only 12, but to me it seems like she's going on 23.

I think it's a real shame that kids have to grow up in times like these. I had a childhood. I would play with the neighborhood kids and read and have hours of fun with legos and action figures. Now, it's all about cable, texting, gossiping and shopping. Times change and the childhood I had is much different from the kind of childhood that my dad had. But, I think there are some serious problems with the childhood my sister has.

The Disney channel seems more like MTV. Miley Cyrus wears short shorts and tight shirts. The internet is filled with predators and perverts. Playing outside is a foreign concept. Reading is for magazines and Cosmo quizzes. Respecting and obeying parents is replaced with attitude and rolling eyes.

I see magazines, TV shows, billboards and feel the pressure to be beautiful and sexy. The sad thing is that my little sister sees the exact things. I have trouble dealing with the pressure. How can a little girl handle it? How is a child supposed to be a child when they are bombarded with advertisements and content that is intended for adults?

I want to have kids some day, but it really scares me. How my parents didn't worry about me getting kidnapped or shot in homeroom or becoming a drug addict or getting a girl pregnant at the prom (well, maybe not that one) is beyond me. They probably did, but they did a pretty job raising me so I guess they weren't too worried.

I don't see why kids are in such a big hurry to be adults. I don't see how innocence and childhood have become things of the past. I never really felt the need to be a protective big brother before as much as I do now.

Hurt

It sounds cliché, but I've found it to be true. I tend to hurt the people that I care about the most. I think it may be because only the people I love are the people that I care enough about to say anything.

Brian messaged me about not wishing him a happy birthday. I had a very apathetic and annoyed tone with him throughout the beginning our conversation and it only got worse from there. I told him that I hoped he has a miserable, lonely birthday. I made jokes about his mother and his church. I told him that I didn't know if I cared enough to let him call me if something serious were ever to happen. I liked being hateful because it gave me a sense of power. Of course, he doesn't respond to it, which makes me even madder. I know that I have so much anger and resentment towards him. After countless unfulfilled promises, I think I have every right to be angry.

The whole conversation ended with him defriending me (wow that is so 2010). I can't tell if he did it because he was mad at me or because he thought it's what I want / need. I can't call him because I don't have his number in my phone. I instantly, partially out of panic, added him back. He has yet to accept or deny it. So, that's where I am. I feel especially lonely now, but I also know that I can't let him affect my mood anymore.

It's over. But, even so, why do I feel the need to say the things that I know will hurt the most? He's someone that I used to make me so ecstatically happy and made my heart race. Where do all those feelings go? With all the love I still feel, why do I only choose to express the hate? Why am I left bitter, angry and cold?