Hurt

It sounds cliché, but I've found it to be true. I tend to hurt the people that I care about the most. I think it may be because only the people I love are the people that I care enough about to say anything.

Brian messaged me about not wishing him a happy birthday. I had a very apathetic and annoyed tone with him throughout the beginning our conversation and it only got worse from there. I told him that I hoped he has a miserable, lonely birthday. I made jokes about his mother and his church. I told him that I didn't know if I cared enough to let him call me if something serious were ever to happen. I liked being hateful because it gave me a sense of power. Of course, he doesn't respond to it, which makes me even madder. I know that I have so much anger and resentment towards him. After countless unfulfilled promises, I think I have every right to be angry.

The whole conversation ended with him defriending me (wow that is so 2010). I can't tell if he did it because he was mad at me or because he thought it's what I want / need. I can't call him because I don't have his number in my phone. I instantly, partially out of panic, added him back. He has yet to accept or deny it. So, that's where I am. I feel especially lonely now, but I also know that I can't let him affect my mood anymore.

It's over. But, even so, why do I feel the need to say the things that I know will hurt the most? He's someone that I used to make me so ecstatically happy and made my heart race. Where do all those feelings go? With all the love I still feel, why do I only choose to express the hate? Why am I left bitter, angry and cold?