25

I've never really wanted to celebrate my birthday less than I did this year. It's been a little rough lately. My breakup with Antonio is still weighing heavily on my mind. I'm also finding myself focusing on the negative, rather than the positive. My original plan was to just let me birthday pass as any other day. I'd go to the gym, go grocery shopping, and maybe go to Subway for dinner. But then I started thinking. Rather than focusing on what isn't going perfectly in my life, I decided to remember all the amazhing things that I do have.

I decided to have a small dinner with a few of my friends from work. I didn't want it to be a big production, just something intimate and fun. I found a great restaurant in the hip, West Village. Martha, Andy, Connie and Suzanne (and their respective significant others) all gathered on Saturday for my big day. I bought a new shirt (tight-fitting and short in the sleeves) and a new pair of shoes that looked perfect without socks and my jeans cuffed. I felt so bohemian.

I'm not one for surprises. I like to be in control and know what's going on. I was certainly in for a shock on Saturday. We're all sitting in our corner table, laughing, and drinking. All of a sudden, I see my boss, Pam, and her husband, Michael walk in. I was FLOORED! They joined us to wish my a happy birthday, a few drinks and lots of laughs. I was so completely surprised and really touched that they came. I usually stress about work and if I'm doing a good enough job, but she dispelled my fears in a reply to a thank you email I sent her around 12:30 that night. She said she adored me and loved having me on the team. It absolutely made my night.

We did have plans to go to the Boom Boom Room at the Standard Hotel, but I just wasn't feeling it. I'd had about 4-5 margaritas and I just wanted to crawl into bed. I hugged everyone and thanked them for coming and headed home. I have to admit that I wanted to text Antonio. I even had the text typed, but I just couldn't send it. The last thing I want to do is hurt him again, so I need to avoid the selfish temptation to see him. I have a lot of things to figure out, but I'm not going to put him in the middle of my own issues.

I ended up walking home. I walked from 7th Avenue South and 10th Street to 76th Street and 3rd Avenue. That's at least 4 miles. But I was chatting with one of my best friends from college, Justin. He really makes me reconsider talking to a therapist. He is so smart, sweet and caring that I always know I can rely on my to cut through the bullshit and give me his honest opinion. It took me about 2 hours, but it was a great walk home. It was so quiet and calm; a perfect night.

By shifting my perspective, I really allowed myself to enjoy an amazing night. I was pretty emotional, though I think I hid it pretty well. It's such a powerful feeling to be around people who genuinely care about me. My co-workers are really my best friends. Martha is a Texan, female version of me and I really admire how she's so effortlessly flawless. Mike is probably the biggest surprise. We come from completely different background and have pretty opposite interests, but he's pretty much my best friend. I'm love the gift he got me - the prequel season of Spartacus. He knows my favorite things - epic battles, drama and full frontal male nudity. I can't ask for a better friend. Andy is a the lawyer with the dry sense of humor that somehow makes me laugh no matter how dumb his jokes turn out to be. Then there's Suzanne, who single-handedly changed my eating habits and my whole outlook on health. Ugh, but let's not admit that she is almost always right. Lastly we have Tresa, who is absolutely amazing. She's such a beautiful person and I'm so lucky to work for her. I always know that I can ask for help with anything - personal or professional.

I have flaws and things that I'm working on, but I know that I have so many amazing things for which to be grateful. I'm going to make 25 my most developmental and productive year yet.

Spinning

4:00 am. That's my body's favorite time to wake up and question what's going on in my life. Everyone says that college is time to grow, learn and become the person you're going to be. I guess that I procrastinated with that the same way I would all my papers. I have no idea who I am, what I'm doing or where I'm going. My head spins with all the things I don't know.

I continue to mess things up with Antonio. We're not together now and I don't really know what's going to happen. The ironic thing is that there really weren't any problems. We were perfect together. Being with him was so easy. I could be myself and let my guard down when I was around him. I was happy with him, despite not really being happy in general.

Then how did it go wrong? He is so mature and smart. He would ask me questions like, "what do you need from me?" and "what do you need in a relationship?" I didn't even know that people asked these questions, let alone thought about them enough to have answers. I wonder if I had communicated better and thought about those questions, rather than dismiss them, if things would have turned out differently.

How do you know when you're with the right person? How do you know if that person is the one? I think Antonio actually flipped a switch for me. He pinpointed the issue without me even knowing that it was there. He said that my first relationship from college really fucked me up. Once he said that, it all seemed to fall into place. I dated a guy who wasn't out of the closet (that's the abridged version). Everything was a constant struggle. It was like the entire relationship was a battle to prove that I was the right person for him. I needed to convince him to be with me. In my mind it was very Carrie and Big. Obviously that relationship crashed and burned.

I figured that I'd just get over it. I'd move to New York, forget the past, and then be good to go. It hasn't really worked out that way. I wonder / worry if my previous relationship set the model for what I'm looking for in all future relationships. I worry that I've created this ideal that a relationship has to be a struggle or challenging for it to be the real thing. I wonder if I think I need a project guy - someone that I can fix so I know that they'll need me. Obviously, my relationship with Antonio was healthy and stable. No challenge, no fighting, no struggle. My worry is that I think he's not the "one" because it hasn't been hard enough (figuratively).

But let's not blame everything on Brian. I recognize that I tend to focus on the fantasy. I have a picture of what my social life, job, relationship should be. When my fantasy and reality don't line up, I think that what I have is wrong. I confuse what I want with what I think I should want. I have this vision of a knight riding up on a big, white horse to rescue me. I'm not exactly sure what I need to be rescued from, but I'm sure there's something. I think I've watched way too many romantic comedies. Antonio could be the perfect guy for me. He could be the guy I should spend the rest of my life with, but I'm not sure. I'm worried that I have everything I need in him but I can't even receive it (as Iyanla Vanzant would say). My biggest fear is that Antonio and I should be together and I'm screwing it up. I worry that I'm going to look back and regret letting him go.

Well...there's a brief insight into what spins through my mind at 4:00 in the morning. What's becoming clear is that I have way too many questions that I can't answer myself. I think it's time to find a life coach / therapist to help me sort out the mess that is my life.

One Year

Wow! Has it really been one year already? Yep, two days ago was my one year anniversary with Corcoran. It seems hard to imagine that a little over a year ago I was so nervous about my interviews - meeting Pam and Tresa for the first time. I remember everything so vividly. It feels like I've been here forever and just started yesterday.

I do feel that I quickly became part of the team and now it feels like we're more like a family. It's cool how every person is so integral to the group. If one person is missing, it really throws off the whole dynamic of the pod.

It's been a crazy wild ride. Some days have been so hectic - like a tornado. Some days I've met celebrity clients and forced to work on my ability to not get starstruck. I've gone to galas and television show tapings. I've become so accustomed to New York real estate that a $2-3 million apartment seems on the low end. It's been such an enriching, challenging and fun experience.

I'm so grateful for the opportunity. And it's only going to get better.

Madonna World Tour 2012

There really is nothing like a Madonna concert. The amount of precision, coordination and preparation is amazing. I saw her in 2008 during her Sticky and Sweet Tour and loved every minute of it - I actually don't think I have even sat in the seat I paid for. She's getting ready to tour again and I instantly frantically tried to get all the information I could. Luckily, the Madonna community is pretty close-knit and I got all the details before hand.

Naturally, I was a member of her fan club until she restructured it. I'm not exactly sure what changes they made, but it only granted me the ICON Platinum Legacy membership. While that sounds great, it's one step below an ICON Lifetime Legacy membership. Those with the latter memberships were able to order their tickets at 10:00 on a specific date and those with the former memberships could order tickets at 11:00 on the same date. When I read that I thought that I might as well throw my hands in the air in defeat. I wanted the best seats! I didn't want to be in the nosebleed seats or really any seat where I'd have to look up at the video monitors. I was able to order two tickets in Section B6, Row 16. Ugh. They weren't horrible, but they certainly weren't as close as I was for Sticky and Sweet. I couldn't help but be a little disappointed.

I didn't let my less than stellar seats prevent me from seeing a golden business opportunity. I could use my ICON code to purchase two more tickets. Sure, I'd have to carry the balance on my credit card, but I'd then be able to sell them at a much higher price. Now at this point, I now had purchased 4 tickets in decent section for $360 each. Ouch! My credit card felt the burn.

I happened to mention to my boss that I was going to the show and she said that she wanted to go too. It turned out that our company has Yankee season tickets and that came with reserved seats in good sections. My boss was so nice and let me buy tickets for myself and then see if any others in the office wanted to buy tickets. I had all my codes, maps, etc spread out on my desk for the code to become active at 9:00 on a certain date. I started typing the instant it started and I was able to get 2 VIP tickets in Section A7, Row 2. That is one of the closet sections to the stage! It is a little to the left, but they are still amazing seats!! I am sooo excited! The downside? Each ticket was $600. Ouch. I'm drowning in debt - currently around $3000 in credit card debt for one concert.

After unsuccessfully being able to sell my now 4 extra tickets on Stubhub, I sent out an email blast to our company bulletin board. On the second attempt an agent emailed me and bought all 4 tickets - two for himself and two for his friends. Bam! Just like that they were gone. I paid about $1450 for all four tickets and I sold them for a total of $1900. Not a bad profit! I was so relieved to get rid of them...my poor credit card.

Now the exciting part starts! Madonna has been tweeting out pictures and little teasers from rehearsals. No one know what the themes, costumes or set-list are going to be. I can NOT wait! September 6th at Yankee Stadium will be one of the best days of my life. 60,000 seats sold out! I guess it's true - "Music makes the people come together"

Goodbye Grandpop

For the past several months my dad has been saying how my grandfather was getting older and slowing down. I never really took him too seriously because, in my mind, he seemed exactly the same as he was when I was a little kid. But I knew that he wasn't doing well when my dad told me that he had pneumonia. At 91, pneumonia is a huge hurdle to overcome.

I hoped that everything would be okay, but thought it'd be good to go see him just in case he didn't get better. Michele, Kasey and I drove down last Sunday to visit him. I was shocked when I walked in his room. We had seen him over Christmas and he seemed as sharp and healthy as I always remember him. Now he looked frail and sick. It was heartbreaking. I really didn't even almost remember him. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. He was asleep the entire time we were there and we were in and out of his room to allow the nurses to adjust tubes and administer medicine.

We went down to get a balloon and some flowers from the gift shop so he'd know we were there in case he didn't wake up before we left. While we wrote out the card, Michele said that it'd be a good idea to say goodbye because it was probably going to be the last time we'd see him. I didn't know how to react. I've never had to say goodbye to someone. How do you do that? What do you say? We each took some time to privately say goodbye. I sat on the edge of the radiator. I was quiet. I figured that he couldn't hear me anyway, so I didn't feel the need to give a moving monologue. I held his held for a little bit, which felt weird. His hands were so soft and wrinkled, but then I noticed the faded tattoo on his arm from when he was in the Navy. It's so strange how people go from being so young and vibrant and adventurous to being in a hospital bed. It took me a minute or two to get up the courage to kiss him on the cheek and tell him I loved him. I think that's really all that needs to be said. What more can you say?

Michele called me last Wednesday and he passed away earlier that afternoon. I'm so glad that I went down to say goodbye. The funeral was yesterday. It was at the same funeral home that all three of my grandparents' services were held. It looked exactly as I remembered it. I was startled when I saw there they were having an open-casket wake. What? Apparently, that's standard procedure. I'm not a fan. He did look good, but almost fake - like a waxed statue. I walked by the casket and again I felt lost. What do I do? What do I say? Do I pray, cross myself, what? It's so much easier as a child because you're not expected to know what to do. The service was really nice. My aunt did a lovely job with the eulogy. It was rough, though, because I could see my dad crying. I actually can't remember the last time I've seen him cry.

My dad asked me to a pallbearer, which certainly didn't help my anxiety of crowds or pomp and circumstance. I stood behind the hearse and grabbed the handle. Of course, I was standing too far back and my uncle kept stepping on my feet. It was trek! We had to carry this extremely heavy casket up the hill while trying to not slip on the soft ground or step on other grave markers. I guess I can count that as a workout. It was really special when the Navy came for the burial. They played Taps on the bugle and folded the flag and gave it to my aunt. It was a very dignified and respectful recognition of his service to his country.

All the events of the past few days really got me thinking. What made me so sad yesterday was the realization that I'm going to have to do this for my parents. One day, I will have to get up and give a eulogy for my mom and pick out a casket for my dad. It's so sad to think of them getting older and losing their independence. I made sure that I told everyone that I loved them, especially my parents. I also thought about how incredible my grandfather's life was. He was in World War II, was married for 50 years to the same woman and lived to be 91. He had quite a life! I should really learn to live each day to the fullest, like he did.

I'm gonna miss you, Grandpop. Rest in peace and give Grandmom a big hug for me.

Babe

It felt physically impossible to get out of bed this morning. Sure, I had to pee and I was hungry but I just couldn't will myself to stumble the twenty steps to the bathroom. Eventually I was able to move to the couch. I watched The Grudge. Arguably, Sarah Michelle Geller had a worse day than I did.

Antonio and I broke up last night. I began to feel like we were so good together, but also so good apart. I didn't feel like I couldn't live without him. I didn't have that nauseous, nervous, butterfly feeling in my stomach when I saw him. That always worried me. I can remember taking cabs home after great dates and smiling and feeling content. Is that the same thing? Is that better or worse?

I felt paralyzed when the issue of moving in together came up. I'd only been living along for about a year. I'd only one other boyfriend (and even that title doesn't really count). Am I ready? Is he the one? Can anyone know that at 24? If don't know now, will I ever? Is breaking up necessary? Why can't I let lower these walls I put up?

With all these questions, it seemed like breaking up was a good idea. Now that we did the teary-eyed goodbye, I find myself thinking "what the fuck was I thinking?" I feel dead inside. It feels like someone cut me in half. Antonio is my best friend and now that I can't text him whenever I want or go see him, it feels like a part of me is missing. I don't get it. I thought that I'd feel like I was doing the right thing, but now I'm so confused.

I was at the gym tonight and I was putting my stuff in the locker and I was distracted and I noticed that I felt sad. In that split second that I forgot why I was sad, I thought, "oh, I should tell Antonio about this." Then I remember that not having him was why I was sad.

It's ironic. Part of the reason we broke up is because I didn't have that butterfly in my stomach feeling. Now that I don't have him, I have...well not much of anything in my stomach because it's too much effort to eat anything. Did I give up to easily? I feel like I never made an effort to talk and I'm paying the consequences of it now.

He had said that I need to date other people because I'm young. But I don't want that. He's an amazing man that I love. Why did I fuck this up? We didn't use to see each other much during the week. It was one of the things that I always felt was kind of off. But now I wish that I had made that effort. I would give anything to have the option of spending time with him. If I could do it over again, I would talk and be a total lesbian and share my feelings.

I wish that he'd come and rescue me from myself. I wish that he would read this and see how crazy I am. I wish that I could fix this...

ABC Kitchen

Being a foodie is a privilege. Trying new restaurants and different cuisines can be lots of fun, but it can also be insanely expensive. It doesn't help that being from a small town, I'm usually satisfied with a sandwich from Subway. I do, however, have enjoy eating at nice restaurants and trying new foods.

I was lucky enough to be part of an amazing team to help organize our annual sales meeting at work. We all worked so well together and put together an amazing presentation. Afterwards, we needed to debrief and discuss what we should change for next year. It's best to have these meetings over lunch, so we picked ABC Kitchen. It's a very earthy, natural restaurant on 18th near Broadway. It was voted one of the 2011 James Beard Award Winner for Best New Restaurant. Obviously, I had high hopes.



We ordered crab toast with lemon aioli and pretzel dusted calamari as appetizers. OMG. It was heaven. I could have just had our serve keeping bringing serving after serving of these two. Now it's very rare that I get to try a new, hip restaurant and not have to worry about the prices on the menu. I took advantage and ordered something I'd never tried before - lobster. Hmm...it was interesting. It tasted good, spicy. But I didn't really know how to eat it and it wasn't very filling.

I was ready to wipe my hands and head back to the office. Just then the server brings over the dessert menu. Now, I'm trying very hard to eat healthy (borderline eating disorder), but how can I pass up dessert in such a great restaurant? Impossible. Everyone else ordered the sundae - salted caramel ice cream, candied peanuts & popcorn, whipped cream, chocolate. It was AMAZING! It had a perfect blend of salty and sweet flavors combined with smooth ice cream and crunchy peanuts and caramel popcorn. It's quite possibly the best dessert I've ever had.



It was a great experience. I would definitely go back to ABC Kitchen again. The food was amazing, but getting to celebrate and have a discussion with such an amazing team was even better. It's a great feeling to be a valued member of the group. I love that everyone worked together on their individual assignments to produce an event that many agree was one of our best sales meetings ever.