Homeless

The world can be tough place. It always has been and it always will be. I get it and I accept it. The one respite from all the weathering and abuse of the world is your home. No matter what's going on out there, it's usually a warm and welcoming place at home.

I used to consider Radford to be my home since it's where I felt most comfortable. I grew so much in those four years that I felt like it really became my hometown. Living in Radford was the last time that I really felt like I had a home. My first apartment in New York was great, but it wasn't mine. It was quite clear that it was Ari's apartment and we just lived there. He had the final decision on anything and I completely understand that.

I thought that my current apartment would become my new home for the next few years. At first it wasn't home because it wasn't done. We did things slowly and there was always something missing. I wanted to get a nightstand and a kitchen table and maybe some end tables or ottoman for the living room. Once the apartment was complete, then it'd feel like home. Well, we never quite made it there.

After the big arguments, the apartment has become a battlefield. Every step feels like a game of minesweeper. It is now less of a home and more of a hostel. I have never felt more uncomfortable in my life. Especially after Spencer's comments about my sexuality, I feel like I can't even be myself in my apartment. If I want to watch The A-List, I do it cautiously and only when he's not home. If I want to listen to Madonna, I have to put on my headphones or listen so quietly that it's easily drowned out by the television.

And what's next? If I actually end up moving to New Jersey, I still won't be home. I'll be a guest in a house that isn't mine. I love Michele and Kasey for inviting me to stay with them, but it's still their home. I just want a place of my own. I want a small studio that is mine. I want to make my own rules and be free and comfortable. I feel like I'm an adult and this is the next step. With all the other little things in life, it's just too much to feel homeless.