Dichotomy

Do you ever feel like two things pull you in opposite directions? I feel that now. Since my relationship with Brian is pretty much over, I find myself really sad and also relieved. If I had my choice, we would be together and live a fabulous life. But, I think that's about as likely as me finding a decent studio apartment in NYC for under $1,000 a month.

I'm sad because he really knew me. He knew all my little quirks and loved in spite (or because) of them. He was sweet and really loved me, I think. Eh, no, I know he did. I guess it just wasn't enough. It could have been really great.

But, at the same time, I'm kinda relieved. I enjoy my solitude. I like being alone with a good book or a Sex and the City dvd. I like being able to make my own schedule. I like sprawling out in bed and only having to share it with Radar. I like not lounging around on Sundays and not showering or shaving till 7:00 pm. I like singing and dancing around my apartment to Madonna or the soundtrack to Sister Act. I like doing all those stupid, goofy things that I wouldn't want anyone else to see.

However, I also liked having his arms around me when we watched movies. I liked waking up in the middle of the night and looking over and seeing him. I liked how he looked at me, even when I looked like shit. I liked knowing that someone was there for me. I like how he would have smiled and thought it was sexy that I was dancing around to Madonna.

It's a dichotomy. I feel both feelings. Lonely and liberated. Sad and satisfied.