Dating in college was easy. You met someone in a class, club, Greek organization and then slowly became friends. Others would notice that the two of you were getting closer and they'd suggest you date. Eventually, you two would be drinking at a party and then you finally let loose and make out (or more if you're a slut). After the awkwardness of the new morning wore off, you'd talk and decide to go out. At that point, you're an official couple and statuses can be changed on Facebook.
Dating after college is not as simple. Meeting people isn't necessarily difficult, but the courting rules are completely different. First, you rarely get the opportunity to have a long, warming up friendship period. I cannot think of one person at work that I could be the Pam to my Jim. It just doesn't happen. You meet someone and you have to make an instant decision - pursue or not.
I've also noticed that the idea of commitment is different. I'm not talking about once a relationship has been established. I'm talking about the very early stages. In college, once you were "talking" to a person or once people knew that you two were probably going to date eventually, you were more or less with that person. At least, that's how I was in college. Some call this serial monogamy. This is not the case post college and it's certainly not the case in New York.
Several months ago I went to a gay bar with Soman and some of his friends after dinner. I was under the impression that I was "kinda, sorta" with him. We weren't dating, but I thought we were in the early stages of dating (2nd date maybe). But, his friends were all suggesting that I go try to hook up with other guys. It was very confusing because I thought that I was, at least for the evening, with Soman. Apparently, one can go on a date with one person and then try to pick up another person. Who knew?
That was ages ago. Now, dating seems to be even more confusing. I've been to one formal party, one museum, and had one make-out session with Chris. I'm somewhat apathetic towards the situation for several reasons. But now that I've joined eHarmony, I've got several other possibilities on the horizon. Tristan and I have done the back and forth questionnaires and exchanged a few emails. He gave me his number and is pretty cute, so I'm thinking I might text him and maybe get coffee or do brunch. But, then I also changed my age preferences from 18 to 23 (18...ugh...children) to 20 to 30. I got several more matches today. One guy, Antonio, really stood out and I sent him some questions and an icebreaker. Now, I kinda want to go on a date with him. But what about Tristan, whom I've never met? What about Chris? Am I obligated to tell them that I'm also dating other people? At what point to I have to tell that they aren't the only person I maybe texting?
On a side note, eHarmony seems to be serving it's purpose. I could go to bars and clubs and meet guys that want to fuck and run. Or, I can create a profile that accurately describes me - my goals, personality, desires and then connect with people who are compatible. There are 8 million people in Manhattan, but how many are decent, sweeet gay guys who like Broadway, exploring the city, cuddling, etc are there? This is a good way to find people who want the same things as me.
Katherine says that you can, and are supposed to, date several people at once so you can find out who you like the most. I've always believed in talking with one person and making a decision before moving on to the next person. Juggling has never been my best skill. I guess I'll figure it out in time. Why does dating in NYC have to be so confusing?
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