Rage

I rarely look back on things with regret. I'm one of those people who believes that every person and every event teaches you something that helps you grow. I've always known that I have a temper. I usually don't let people see it. I usually suppress anything I'm angry about until it goes away - a very healthy approach. Not. But, the events of the past few days have really been a mirror for me. I look back and see my actions of the past and really feel terrible.

A brief background. Spencer and I had a huge fight after some strangers slept in my bed. They were his guests and his responsibility. It felt bad, but didn't really think it was a big day. The situation exploded on Sunday morning. I was prepared to not talk until the situation blew over and I calmed down. He launched into a tirade of curses and physical threats. I was shocked and, to be honest, a little afraid. It's weird to see someone completely lose control. We're at a stalemate at the moment.

Anyway. Seeing him scream and get in my face was a real eye-opener. It wasn't until I told Swann or Katherine that I was scared of him that it really sunk in and took me back to my college years. There are few things that I regret with Brian. It was what it was and it's done and I don't regret it. But, I do see how horribly cruel and aggressive I was to him. I remember trying to think of the most hurtful things possible and then being happy when he was speechless and almost in tears. I don't know if I thought that being so painfully honest and harsh would change anything. I think partially it was just an outlet for so much anger, hurt, and frustration. Either way, I see now that it was so unnecessary and damaging.

I know how hurtful and scary it was when Spencer was spewing insults and anger at me and I regret that I did the same to Brian. Now, don't get me wrong. He needed a good proverbial kick in the pants, but he never should have felt afraid of me. I remember him telling me once that he was scared of me when I got mad. I thought it was silly, but I can see now that it was probably true. I am truly sorry for making him feel that way. Now, it's in the past and I'm not going to reach out and apologize. I hope he knows that I was young, immature and upset.

Even though the current situation with Spencer really sucks, I'm almost grateful it happened because I learned something. I realized that my anger can really hurt others. Rather than spouting the most hateful things to be win an argument, it's best to think about what you say and make sure the rage doesn't take over. If you win by insulting, belittling and scaring those closest to you, it’s only a pyrrhic victory.