What's Eating You?

I've been seeing commercials for E's new documentary series, What's Eating You? for weeks and the anticipation had been building. I somewhat believe that I have an eating disorder. Now, I don't starve myself and I don't intentionally vomit. My problem is the exact opposite. I eat constantly and obsess about losing weight. Gaining weight the goal and anything else is a disaster. I weigh myself each week at work and was frantic this morning when I learned that I've lost (LOST) 5 pounds since the end of September. I go into crisis mode and start eating bag after bag of Doritos, which probably isn't the healthiest way of going about it. Then, I feel guilty! It's a vicious cycle.

I think that I have, at the very least, an unhealthy fear of losing weight and getting fat. I watched the show and totally fit in the girls' tiny shoes. They never felt like they were good enough. They used their weight / disorder to express the emotions they couldn't vocalize with words. They constantly feel too fat and I constantly feel too skinny! Thought it's an issue, I don't think my way of thinking is very serious because I'm always trying to get bigger and better. That's probably a very dysfunctional thought pattern (note to self: flag this entry for future therapist to tackle).

I think that I have the sense to at least realize that my way of thinking is not normal and that I can tell the difference between health and sickness. My fear is for the people that don't. I've never made it a secret that I worry about my sister. If I (a 23-year-old adult) am overly concerned with my body, what can does my 12-year-old sister stand? It doesn't help that the media explodes with images of digitally-altered, stick-thin girls. The expectations may be unrealistic, especially since they come from a Photoshop technician, but does Renee know that? Do I?

I was on iTunes the other day and saw a workout album for kids. This is so part of the problem. We've waged a war on childhood obesity, but how far does the pendulum swing? Of course it's not healthy to eat junk food and play videos games all day, but it's equally unhealthy to be crying on the bathroom floor because you ate a cookie.