The Circus Starring Britney Spears

I very rarely acting spontaneously. I like structure and a plan. But, when I saw that there were still good seats for Britney's concert at Madison Square Garden, I just had to jump at the opportunity. I could give a long play by play of the entire concert, but it's not really necessary. I don't remember every detail, but I do remember the overall experience. These are some of the highlights:

1) Sex - the entire show was about sex. The songs - If U Seek Amy, Get Naked (I Got a Plan), Breathe on Me, Touch of my Hand, Freakshow - were all so sexual and suggestive. I LOVED it! She did an interlude mash-up of Marilyn Manson's cover of Sweet Dreams and a version of her own. Everyone was making out and grinding, but it was dark and sexy. It may have been called The Circus, but it certainly was not for children of all age.

2) Me Against the Music (Bollywood Remix) - This was an amazing performance. The costumes were stunning and the choreography was on point. I was kinda nervous that she wouldn't move the way used to, but this song proved me wrong. She came right over to our section and was sooo close.

3) Her Body - Now as a gay man, I can't fully appreciate a woman's body, but her's was HOT. She was in great shape and she looked beautiful. She looked (and this is gonna sound corny), but she looked like an angel. She was just so pretty. I know the tabloids make her look ugly without makeup, but last night she was stunning. Another thing I noticed was that she seemed to be having a good time. Who knows? Maybe she was bored out of her mind, but her smile (which I was close enough to see) seemed genuine.

4) FUN!! - That's what I remember the most. I remember shaking my ass to Piece of Me and Radar. I remember being in awe for Touch of My Hand and Everytime. I remember not being able to believe my eyes for a the acrobatics. The setlist was perfect -a great mix of the old and the new. She may not be the best singer, but she is a great entertainer! I was having fun from start to finish!

No, it wasn't as good as the Sticky and Sweet Tour. But, I didn't expect it to be. Madonna is the Queen and always will be. However, The Circus Starring Britney Spears was something that Brintey can look back on and be proud. If this is Britney's comeback, I can NOT wait to listen to her next album and get floor seats for her next tour.

Up in the Gym / Working on my Fitness

I couldn't put it off any longer. I had kept saying that I'd wait until I was settled before I started looking for a gym. Well, there is a Bally Total Fitness about 10 minutes from my apartment. And, the promotional pricing ends tonight at midnight. I went in this afternoon to get a tour and talk about pricing. They wanted to charge me $54.99 a month. Um...I was on their website at work this afternoon and it was $34.99. They told me that the promotion had ended. Um...no. Then the manager came in and said because I worked at Sinai that it'd only be $44.99. Wow! Because I work at Sinai, you're only going to overcharge me $10 a month. Gee! Thanks.

So, I went home and got online and checked it out. I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they thought it had already ended. Maybe they didn't know about it. Sounds like a stretch, but I'm gonna be nice. I got my deal, so I'm happy.

Unfortunately, now I have to start working out. It's ben so long since I've been to the gym. But, I saw a pic of Zac without a shirt on Perez this afternoon and it really motivated me (among other things). The only way to look the way I want is to work for it. So, I guess I'll start a new routine. I'm thinking about posting before and after shots, but I'm really pasty. Maybe we'll just go with a sexy after pic. You just take my word that I need a major overhaul.

Full Disclosure

When I started looking for an apartment, I generally sent the person looking for a roommate a brief description of myself. I'd tell them what I do for a living, what I like to do for fun, etc. I also told them that I was gay. I'd usually explain that I'm not that obvious unless I'm around friends or people around whom I feel comfortable.

I didn't think much about it. But now, I'm starting to meet people who are interested in the other bedroom in our apartment. I met with this guy tonight. He seemed nice - very type A and very guys' guy. We went to White Castle for burgers and talked about our lives. I definitely dropped some hints - I told him I'm seeing Britney Spears on Wednesday, but I didn't feel comfortable telling him I was gay.

In my opinion, it really shouldn't matter. Of course, in a perfect world everyone would accept others' differences. But, I'm not living in a perfect world - I live in New York. But even still, why should what I do in my room be a deal-breaker for someone who might want to move in? Since I'm not seeing anyone right now, there's no awkward sex while the roommates are home situations. Right now, the gayest things going on in my room are Sex and the City marathons and the Queer As Folk DVDs sitting on my shelf.

With the guy I met tonight, I felt like I had to tell him. I felt like it was a drawback and I needed to warn him. I would rather tell someone and have them not be comfortable with it and not move in, rather than let someone move in and then find out and live in awkwardness. I can understand if I were blind, deaf, or in a wheelchair. Those would be situations where my roommates would have to make certain accomodations. Um....being gay isn't a disability. I don't need...no, strike that...I don't want to be treated any differently.

Groceries

There are a lot of misconceptions about New York. Everything thinks it's dirty and loud and expensive. From my limited experience, I haven't found any of those things to be true. Sure, the streets will be dirty in the morning before they pick up the trash or one the weekends when people party. But, the same could be said for Radford. It isn't any louder than Light Side is on a Friday night. In Central Park or at night, the streets are actually pretty quite. I was walking back from the train station on Sunday night and actually noticed how quite Time Square was and how there weren't any people.

Another misconception is that food is uber expensive. Sure, if you go to the Food Emporium where they all the fancy organic food it will be expensive. But, I went to the Associated last night for groceries. They had all the brands I like and it wasn't overly expensive. The eggs were $1.79, the half gallon of OJ was $2.99 and whole wheat bread was 2 for $5.00. I was really surprised. The aisles were really small, but oh well. Ari and I have a collapsible shopping buggy in our apartment. I took it with me and then pushed all my groceries back to my apartment. And the grocery store is only 2 blocks away so it's convenient.

This is another big check mark on my list of things to do in order to get used to NYC.

Big Move

So, Sunday was the big day. I finally moved into my new apartment in New York. The day started badly - I realized that I wasn't going to be able to fit everything in my car. I had no intention of making one trip and then waiting a week and making another trip the following weekend. So, I made two trips into and out of the city that day. The GPS was messed up when I went into the city the first time. It sent me to Brooklyn. I was making all these turns and then it tells me that I'm arriving at my destination. Um...No. This is a crappy street in Brooklyn. No.

But, the rest of the day went smoothly. Ari and I unpacked all the kitchen stuff (including my Tervis Tumblers from the RU bookstore). Then I went back to NJ and go my clothes and bedding. I took the Lincoln tunnel into the city, which put me downtown on the West side. I live uptown and on the Upper East Side. I had to drive past 5th Avenue and Madison, which was under construction, so it took forever.

Finally, everything was in boxes in my room. But, I still had to drive back to NJ to leave my car there. So I get back to NJ at 10:00 and wait until 11:00 for Kasey to take me to the train station. I had to wait until 12:15 for the next train. I was the only person on the platform until an older Korean man sat next to me and started talking. At first it was nice to have a conversation with him. But, after a while I was over it. He kept talking and talking and talking. Then he sat next to me on the train and kept talking. I could not have made it more obvious that I was tired and wanted to sleep until we got to NYC. But he actually woke me up to keep talking. Ugh. Then he asked for my phone number and email address so that I could help tutor Korean people...or something. I tried to tune him out so I wasn't really paying attention.

The first night in New York was okay. I slept on the floor because I was so tired and sweaty and gross that I didn't feel like setting up my air mattress. Now that I've got my mattress inflated (kinda ghetto, I know) and almost everything unpacked, it's starting to feel like home. The next thing I need is an A/C unit because my room is HOT...and I don't just mean when I'm sleeping in my boxer briefs...I mean it is HOT, like 80 degrees HOT. I'm going tonight to pick one up and I don't care how much they cost. I am not going home without an A/C unit.

I do miss Michele and Kasey. We laughed and had so much fun. But, I know I'll visit and do the holidays there.Well, now that I've got a new home things are looking up. Now I can start exploring the city without worrying about catching a train to NJ.

Well, now the real adventure begins...

Hunger

I find myself with this overwhelming need for contact with another person. I'm not talking about sex. I just want to feel something with someone. I feel like I've been so closed off lately. It's kind of hard to explain.

I was riding the subway a few weeks ago and the car was packed. We were all squished together and I could feel the people around me. It felt so good just to have someone be so close to me. It's weird. If someone puts their hands on my shoulders or hugs me or makes any physical connection, my heart starts racing.

I love New York, but you always have to be guarded. You have to watch out for your wallet and watch out for people. I just want to let the walls down and feel. I don't want to have sex with anyone (well, maybe one person). I just want to feel someone's fingers on skin. A kiss. Something that will make me feel human and not like a robot. I want to be vunerable and still.

Carrie and Big / Boys

I love Sex and the City. Everyone knows that, but I don't think they know why. So far, my relationship with Brian has followed the storyline of Carrie and Big in almost of every way.

Let's recap:

Carrie meets Big and dates for a few months only to break up when he can't tell her she's the one. Big marries Natasha, but they fall apart. Big only loves Carrie and getting married was a huge mistake. He gets drunk and tells Carrie that it isn't working and that he's getting divorced. Then, he gets scared and changes his mind. Carrie tries to be tough and tells Big to go to home, but can't fight the attraction and begins a torrid affair with him. So far...that's my life to the letter.

This is where is gets tricky. Eventually, Natasha leaves Big because of the affair (like any normal woman would). Carrie and Big go through this long period of talking and randomly seeing each other, but they are never together. Big moves to California so they were separated by hundreds of miles. During this time, Carrie dates Aidan and then Aleksander Petrovsky. However, no matter how good the relationship seems, it never works. Like Carrie says, "When that big love comes along, it's not always easy." Finally, at the end of the movie, Carrie and Big get married and live happily ever after (well, at least until the sequel). Will Brian and I get our happy ending? Is it something worth waiting for? It's already been three years. How do you know when it's over?

Am I Carrie? Is Brian Big? It's so hard to look at my life objectively. How do I try to meet new people and date in New York if I'm always thinking about this person that I can't have? Isn't it delusional and dangerous to just keep wishing and hoping and waiting? And after all the pain, I don't think I could open myself up like I did back then. I was young, new and naive. I think, or I'd like to think, that I'm smarter now.

The problem is that the feelings never go away. I hadn't seen him for months and then saw him at a gas station in Winchester and everything came flooding back. It would almost be easier if they would go away. Obviously, it's not easy. Nobody knows me the way he does. He knows when when something's wrong even if I say that I'm fine. He knows the most intimate details of my life. There one scene that I love so much because I understand exactly how Carrie feels. Big is bothering Carrie (calling her and trying to see her) and she wants nothing to do with him. He's married and needs to leave her alone. He meets her at a hotel where she's writing and follows her to the elevator. He tries to kiss her. She is so pissed. She says "fuck you" at least three times and constantly tries to push him away. But, the attraction and sheer force of the two of them is too strong. Eventually, she stops saying "fuck you" and begins whispering "fuck me". It's so poignant and perfect. I get it. I so get it.

It's like everything always comes back to him. Carrie says that New Yorkers are always looking for three things: 1) an apartment, 2) a job and 3) a boyfriend. I've got the apartment and the job. Why does 2 out of 3 feel like it adds up to zero?

Would a clean break be good? Or would it damage an unbreakable, special love that I'll never feel with anyone else? Is it fair to try to start something with someone else when Brian is always in the back of my mind? It doens't help that I am so inside my own head and over analyze everything word that comes out of his mind.

I'd love to be in a relationship where the person just says what they feel - no reading between the lines, no interpreting. I'd love a relationship where I don't have to wonder what the other person is doing when I'm not around. I'd love a relationship where we could just be open - go to movies, hold hands on the street, etc.

I guess I only have myself to blame. I knew exactly what I was doing. I have the shovel and have dug a pretty deep hole. I guess I'm at the point where I've stopped digging, but am still in the hole. I can try to climb out or I can just keep digging for buried treasure that may not be there.

Sex in the City

Not be confused with the amazing TV show, Sex and the City.

I've learned that among the gay community, there seems to be a total lack of sexual standards. Of course, that is a generalization. But, the more I see, the less I like the scene.

I went to two gay bars with some people on Friday. We had a lot of fun, but there was "sex" everywhere. It seemed like everyone's goal was to find another person to have sex with. One of the guys in our group even left to go to some random guy's hotel room. The whole scene was so vapid and shallow.

Another example. I've been on Craigslist a lot lately. It's a great site to find roommates, especially in a city where it's almost impossible to afford a one-bedroom apartment solo. But, they also have personal ads. I've checked them out - all kinds. The women who are looking for men are usually looking for dates / boyfriends. The men who are looking for women are usually looking for casual dating. The men who are looking for me are looking for sex. And it's not just "sex," these posts are so explicit. They tell you exactly what they want and how they like it. And, of course, they always post pics of their dick.

The subject lines are the worst part. "Old bear looking for young, hung cub," "Discreet married man looking for twink bottom," "Black guy looking for golden shower". Has the culture really sunk this low? Do people have suck little self-respect that they do this? I can't fathom going over to a stranger's house and letting them use me. It seems that people are just reduced to things, to sex objects. I am not a thing.

Call me old-fashioned. If I'm gonna sleep with someone, it's gonna take a little more than a response to an email. You wanna get in my pants? Um...you're gonna have to work for it. And, if you only want me for what I've got behind my AE boxer briefs, then you're out of luck. What ever happened to love? Sure, I've slept with one person before I was in love with him, but the love quickly caught up.

How can people have such a graphic physical connection with someone without, at least, a somewhat strong emotional connection?

My Impromptu Trip To Yonkers

To start, I'll bring you up to speed. I went into the city to look at an apartment and then take a second look at the apartment that I had seen and loved last week. The one apartment wasn't too great, but the one that I was really interested was perfect, even thought I got the smaller room. Ari and I talked for at least an hour on the balcony and watched the sun set. By 9:00 I had to go and start my long trip back to NJ.

I called my dad and talked with him until I got to the bus stop on Madison near Mount Sinai. I didn't have to wait long. My metro card didn't work when I got on the bus, which is weird because I have an unlimited card, but the driver was nice enough to let me ride anyway. I didn't really even need to take the bus, but I didn't feel like walking 7 blocks through Harlem to the subway. I kind of zoned out - it'd been a long day. I, eventually, realized that we didn't turn onto Central Park North. I was kinda concered, but figured that they were stopping a little higher up since it was late. No. We didn't stop. We didn't stop at 125th street. We didn't stop at 149th street. Shit. This is when I realize that this is an express bus. Fuck.

We didn't make any stops in Manhattan. I realized I was in trouble when I didn't see tall buildings, taxis or anything familiar. I guessed that we were heading to the Bronx and then I could just turn around. No. We were not going TO the Bronx. We were going THROUGH the Bronx. I don't get stressed out too badly, but I was starting to freak out. I had little cash and was sooooo far from where I needed to be. Michele was traveling and Kasey is Ohio - so it was all up to me. Sink or swim.Eventually, I asked the driver how to get back to Manhattan. He told me to go under a bridge and take the M20 to Woodlawn and then take the 4 through the Bronx. Okay. I've got a plan.

I had to go to a gas station to get quarters because the bus only accepts coins or metro cards (ps: a very inefficient system). I ask for direction again just to make sure everyone is telling me the same thing. The guy tells me to take the M20 and then the subway, which is the same thing that the driver said. But, he added that taking the M20 would take me TO the Bronx. "Um...I'm not in the Bronx?" I asked. No, I was in Yonkers. It must have looked so stupid.

I get to the bus stop and there was this old lady sitting there. She started talking to me about how she had to work late at Burger King. I read her nametag - her name was Nazire. She has a thick Eastern European accent. In my mind, I decided she was from Ukraine. I figured she was crazy. But, she seemed nice and I wanted to talk to somebody...anybody. We had a good conversation and she told me how to get back to Manhattan. She made me promise that I would take a cab if I got lost. So many cars past, but no buses. Then...a bus came. Hallelujah! It was an express bus. It could take me from Yonkers straight to Manhattan down 5th Avenue. But, since it was an express bus, it was more money and I didn't have enough quarters.

Eventually the M20 came and we both go on. We sat together and talked a little more and I complimented her on the blanket she was crocheing. 15 minutes later we get to the station and both get off. I thanked her and she shook my hand. To me, that wasn't good enough. I gave her a hug and told her she was my angel. The subway was pretty standard, but it had way more stops than I'm used to because we went though the Bronx and then into Manhattan.

I walked about 8 blocks to the train station, which looked like heaven when I saw it. I felt like everything was okay because I was in familiar territory. I get to NJ Transit only to find that I have to wait 45 minutes for the next train, which was a local train and made a dozen stops before Princeton Junction. And there was a Yankees game and the fans were crazy. They were yelling and screaming. "Fuck this," and "Boston sucks" were common phrases on the train.

The whole time I'm worried about Bogey because he had been alone so long (of course he did pee and poop on the carpet, but it wasn't his fault). I worried about my car because I didn't have much gas and all the gas stations were closed because the attendant has to pump your gas in NJ. I am still worried that I'm going to be a zombie tomorrow. It's 3:07 and I've got to get up at 4:45. But, of course, now I'm not tired.

It was a crazy night! One small mistake turned into an extra 2 hours to my trip. But, in the end, it all worked out. I'm safe in my bed. I was fortunate to meet Nazire, my Ukranian angel. So. That is the story of my impromptu trip to Yonkers.

Like a Virgin

So last night was my second adventure with Soman - the term "date" doesn't really to fit. We met up with his friends (Emily, Serena, Nico and Memo). We went to Blossom, an organic vegan restaurant in Chelsea. I was such a typical Southwest Virginian when I checked out the menu at work. I turned up my nose and thought everything was going to suck and that I'd desperately need a cheeseburger afterwards.

But, I was really, really surprised. The meal was amazing! I got crispy Thai tofu with bok choy. I could eat it everyday (if it wasn't so expensive). The food, wine, conversation was really great. I know that I'm kinda shy and awkward, but tend to warm up after a while, so I hope they liked me. But then again, friends aren't something I really active look for, so hopefully they want to get together again.

After dinner, I planned on catching the train and being home by 11:30-ish. That didn't happen. We went to one gay bar (um...is there any other kind in Chelsea?). It was really intimidating. I was still dressed in my work clothes and I had my bag. And the guys were so gorgeous. With their perfect hair, clothes, bodies, tans - how can I compete? But, after a $7 screwdriver I began to open up and have fun.

Next we went to another gay bar and danced with Emily and Serena. I also think I told Emily that we should have babies so I could tell the people in my office that I found the right woman. By 1:00 am everyone was getting tired so we all went our separate ways. Soman went uptown, Memo went home, I'm not sure where Emily went, and Serena and I walked to the subway.

Of course I had to pee and couldn't find a bathroom anywhere. Story of my life. But, Serena had me run into a really nice restaurant and use their bathroom. I think the fact that I was professinally dressed helped. We got to the subway - she went to Brooklyn and I went to Penn Station. The train ride home was hellish because it was a local train and stopped at every station. There must have been a baseball game because the train was packed with people in Yankees' shirts. There was a dad and son sitting across from me so I couldn't stretch out and sleep. Eh, it was not a fun ride home.

But, at 3:00 am I finally made it home. My virgin experience in Chelsea was a lot of fun. I met some great people and had a good time. I'm not sure if any friendships will emerge, but I think I'd like to join the group. I guess time will tell.

Quirk

Okay, so most people have little quirks. Most people know that peeing in public restrooms in my quirk. I can't do it. My bladder could be practically bursting and I can't go. Let me clarify. It's not public restrooms, but rather public urinals when there are others around. I don't know where this little phobia came from, but it's quite clear that it's here to stay.

So, funny story. Well, it wasn't funny at the time, but I can look back and laugh. I was looking at an apartment the other day. It was wonderful! My and the one guy talked for an hour and a half. We really clicked (or at least I think we did - he hasn't called me back yet). He offered me a bottle of water, which I took since it was uber hot. Around 7:00 he had to pick up some furniture, so I left and was walking to another apartment I was looking at (this one sucked). I realized I had to pee and NYC doesn't have many public restrooms.

I found a gas stations and figured I'd buy something and go. Well, it was actually on an exterior door on the front of the station. I walk in and the room is tiny with three urinals two inches apart. Fuck! But, since I can literally feel myself developing a urinary tract infection from holding it, I try my best. There was no ventilation, so it sooooo hot. I'm sweating like crazy and trying to mentally will myself to pee. I managed a little bit (after what felt like hours). Eventually I got fed up and left. I was pretty much done, but still had to go.

So, I went to Taco Bell and bought a bottle of water just to use the bathroom. I'm not really sure the point of the story. But, when I told it to others they thought it was hilarious. I guess if you know me and know how neurotic I can be, you can picture me in this situation. Eh, everyone is quirky in some way.

Apartment Hunt: #1

Um...no. I saw an ad for a two bedroom apartment on 73rd street, which is a great location. I emailed the guy and he called me to set up an appointment to see the room. I was excited and kinda nervous. I've lived with roommates before, but I knew them pretty well. So, I go into the city on my day off, take the subway to 77th and then walk to 73th and 1st.

The street was BEAUTIFUL. It was quite, clean and lined with trees. The front of the building was pretty nice. Then I got buzzed in the front door and it was pretty much downhill from there. The hallway was so narrow. Luckily, I'm pretty thin because I fat person would not fit in this building. I walk to the 4th floor on tiny, narrow stairs. The guy opens the door and meets me. He was really cute, even though he was probably mid-thirties.

I walk through the front door into the kitchen and what do I see? A shower! Yes, in addition to a small stove and refrigerator, there was a shower stall in the kitchen. Then I see the "bedroom," which was really nothing more than a small full bed next to a wall. One wall does not a room make. Essentially, you walk through the one "bedroom" to get to the other and then you have to walk through both to get to the bathroom. The "bathroom" was a small room with a toilet. In order to flush, you had to pull a cord from the ceiling. Is this an apartment or a Saudi prison?

The living room was gorgeous. It had two big windows, high ceilings, and nice furniture. The guy who would be my roommate was really nice and would have been a perfect roommate. He is a flight attendant, so he's constantly traveling. However, that really isn't enough of a perk to shell out $2400 to move in. It would be perfect if it was just me or me and a boyfriend, but for two strangers, it just wouldn't work.

I took some pics and thought about it for a few blocks. Then I realized I'd be an idiot to settle. I was feeling really down. I know it is naive to think that I'd find a fantastic apartment the first time I looked, but I'm so ready to move into the city. I'm ready to have my space that is mine. I'm read for a place to put all my stuff. I'm ready to start the life that I have pictured in my mind.

Well, Carrie and Big had to look at 33 crappy apartments before they found heaven on 5th. I'm sure I've got many more hilariously crappy apartments to go before I find "the one".

Apartment Hunting

I've finally begun looking for apartments. It's a daunting task, especially in New York. I have a few leads and have sent out a couple emails. I'm actually visiting one tomorrow. It's a four bedroom in a good part of the Upper East Side. It's on 60th street, which is close enough to the hospital, but also close to the center of the city.

I don't wanna get my hopes up, but I do look forward to blogging from a desk in front of a window like Carrie does in Sex and the City. We'll see. I finally go the internet up and running on my computer so I can start uploading some of the pics of the city I took a few weeks ago.

I'm feeling really good right now. I am beginning to feel comfortable with my job. I'm starting to get to know the city and not feel as lost. I can find my way around and when people say they need the 6, C, 3 or the M2, I know what they're talking about and how to find them.

Here's hoping for a good outing on my apartment hunting tomorrow...