Carrie and Big / Boys

I love Sex and the City. Everyone knows that, but I don't think they know why. So far, my relationship with Brian has followed the storyline of Carrie and Big in almost of every way.

Let's recap:

Carrie meets Big and dates for a few months only to break up when he can't tell her she's the one. Big marries Natasha, but they fall apart. Big only loves Carrie and getting married was a huge mistake. He gets drunk and tells Carrie that it isn't working and that he's getting divorced. Then, he gets scared and changes his mind. Carrie tries to be tough and tells Big to go to home, but can't fight the attraction and begins a torrid affair with him. So far...that's my life to the letter.

This is where is gets tricky. Eventually, Natasha leaves Big because of the affair (like any normal woman would). Carrie and Big go through this long period of talking and randomly seeing each other, but they are never together. Big moves to California so they were separated by hundreds of miles. During this time, Carrie dates Aidan and then Aleksander Petrovsky. However, no matter how good the relationship seems, it never works. Like Carrie says, "When that big love comes along, it's not always easy." Finally, at the end of the movie, Carrie and Big get married and live happily ever after (well, at least until the sequel). Will Brian and I get our happy ending? Is it something worth waiting for? It's already been three years. How do you know when it's over?

Am I Carrie? Is Brian Big? It's so hard to look at my life objectively. How do I try to meet new people and date in New York if I'm always thinking about this person that I can't have? Isn't it delusional and dangerous to just keep wishing and hoping and waiting? And after all the pain, I don't think I could open myself up like I did back then. I was young, new and naive. I think, or I'd like to think, that I'm smarter now.

The problem is that the feelings never go away. I hadn't seen him for months and then saw him at a gas station in Winchester and everything came flooding back. It would almost be easier if they would go away. Obviously, it's not easy. Nobody knows me the way he does. He knows when when something's wrong even if I say that I'm fine. He knows the most intimate details of my life. There one scene that I love so much because I understand exactly how Carrie feels. Big is bothering Carrie (calling her and trying to see her) and she wants nothing to do with him. He's married and needs to leave her alone. He meets her at a hotel where she's writing and follows her to the elevator. He tries to kiss her. She is so pissed. She says "fuck you" at least three times and constantly tries to push him away. But, the attraction and sheer force of the two of them is too strong. Eventually, she stops saying "fuck you" and begins whispering "fuck me". It's so poignant and perfect. I get it. I so get it.

It's like everything always comes back to him. Carrie says that New Yorkers are always looking for three things: 1) an apartment, 2) a job and 3) a boyfriend. I've got the apartment and the job. Why does 2 out of 3 feel like it adds up to zero?

Would a clean break be good? Or would it damage an unbreakable, special love that I'll never feel with anyone else? Is it fair to try to start something with someone else when Brian is always in the back of my mind? It doens't help that I am so inside my own head and over analyze everything word that comes out of his mind.

I'd love to be in a relationship where the person just says what they feel - no reading between the lines, no interpreting. I'd love a relationship where I don't have to wonder what the other person is doing when I'm not around. I'd love a relationship where we could just be open - go to movies, hold hands on the street, etc.

I guess I only have myself to blame. I knew exactly what I was doing. I have the shovel and have dug a pretty deep hole. I guess I'm at the point where I've stopped digging, but am still in the hole. I can try to climb out or I can just keep digging for buried treasure that may not be there.