Christmas '09

The holidays are a time of travel for millions. This year of was one of those millions. I left work early on 12/23 to pack and catch the train to my sister's house. Apparently there was a power outage at NJ Transit because none of the train times that I saw corresponded with my brother-in-law saw online. Eventually, I got on a train to Hamilton where they picked me up and we set off for Pennsylvania. I always love seeing them - I love telling them all my crazy stories.

Every time I get home, I am overwhelmed with this moment of intense anxiety and chaos. The dogs are barking and running around and we're trying to unpack things. But, my mom is always happy to see me and that makes me feel good. It was good to be home for those few days. I got some really great gifts - things that I need (socks and my white t-shirts) and wants (H&M gift cards and money). I always remember to appreciate my family when I go home. My mom is so amazing. She goes out of her way to cater to us. She cleans, which always baffles me because I lived there for years. It was cool to race slotcars with Sam and just talk. It means a lot that my family is still pretty close.

On Christmas Day, I went to my grandpop's to visit my dad and his side of the family. We started a new family tradition - going to Harrah's (next to the Chester prison) on Christmas Day. We had a great time. I lost the $25 that the casino gave me, put I made $5 on the $20 that I spent out of my pocket. $5 and a free soda sounds like winning to me. It was nice to see Grandpop and my aunts and uncles. But, it was best to see Aunt Honey. She was always one of my favorite relatives. She is such a sweet person and it breaks my heart to know that she's alone. I can imagine who lonely she must be, but then again she and I again are somewhat similiar.

After a brief 3 days home, it was time to come back to the city. I like visiting my hometown, but it's not my home anymore. I live in New Yorker and I like the city. The silence and space in PA is just weird to me now. The train back to the city was uber packed, which I don't really understand. How does Amtrak sell more tickets than it has seats? That's just silly.

But, I am home and enjoying the (city) peace and quiet, which is totally different from the country (peace and quiet). Now my plans include: relaxing, finishing 3 months worth of FlashForward, and hitting the gym hardcore.

Neurology Holiday Party

College students worry about finals. I don't have finals anymore, but I certainly had a huge test yesterday. One of the my responsibilities is to plan and execute our departmental holiday party. Throwing a party? I went to Radford - sounds like a piece of cake, right? No, it's crazy. Granted, one reason it was stressful was because I didn't start early enough.

Katherine and I went to Union Square (all the way from 100th to 14th) to get supplies and decorations and the store was SOLD OUT. Um...what? How can you be sold out of holiday decorations. Again, it was a few days before party. Carol got the supplies and she did a great job, aside from the Christmas trees. Side note: I don't think it's right that I was so worried that my Christmas tree center pieces would offend someone.

I order catering, kosher catering, wine and beer, ice, and coffee. There were so many things that could go wrong. But, luckily, nothing did. The food showed up right on time. The ice was a little late, but that wasn't a disaster. One minor crisis was that we didn't have a corkscrew. I jetted from 98th to 95th to the liquor store. I was so out of breath and still had my Sinai badge clipped to my shirt that the guy just gave it to me for free.

The best part of the night was when Sealfon put his hand on my shoulder and said that it was "tremendous". I don't need constant praise and attention, but it's nice every once in a while.

Cleaning up was a bitch, but isn't it always? At least I turned on the projector so we could have some Gaga in surround sound. Overall, it was nice, classy party. People were happy and my boss (most important) was happy. Next year, we'll get a DJ or use my iPod (wouldn't that be fabulous) and have dancing. We'll also have it in a bigger venue. But those are minor details.

If this holiday party were a final exam, then I would definitely say that I passed with flying colors (as cliche as it sounds).

'Tis The Season

I don't really get into the Christmas spirit much anymore. I feel like it's a child's holiday. I know that Santa isn't real. I don't get excited about opening presents. It's just not my thing.

But, if there is any city that can make even the most cynical Scrooge feel warm-hearted around the holidays, it's Manhattan. I went to BestBuy to get Renee's Christmas present. It was oddly fun. The crowds, the disorganization, the long lines. It was somewhat rewarding to know that I had people for whom I needed to buy gifts. Next I went to Barnes and Noble and picked up my NYC "holiday" cards. I figure this way I can't offend anyone. The woman at the counter was nice and I said, "have a nice holiday" before she did. She seemed genuinely happy and surprised. It's one of those moments where the holiday spirit takes over and you feel connected with other people.

Then I walk home, even though it was a little chilly out. I ended up passing 1st and kept walking until I reached York. I wasn't paying attention, oh well. But, I ended up passing the ASPCA and saw the cutest cat. I stopped and made tried to figure out how I could afford a cat. I, being a mature adult, realize that now is the not the time to get a cat. It will come, but not now.

It was nice to skip over slush puddles, walk past peoples selling Christmas trees and take in the smell of pine. Dr. Gendelman got me a bottle of wine for the holidays. People just seem to be nice and happy and more patient. I'm sure it won't last past Christmas Day, but it is nice.

Just wait, next year I'll be wearing an ugly Christmas sweater - I can see it now.

On Guard

How do you know when you can trust someone? How do you test someone's trustworthiness? If you don't trust someone, can you still be nice to them?

I've got so many questions and situations to ponder. Someone new started at work. I've found out that this person talks about the rest of the office behind our backs. Some days this person is so nice and some days this person is a complete bitch. It's confusing. The collective office has pretty much rendered the verdict that this person is crazy. It's so frightening how sweet they can be when they try. I am under that impression that it's fake, but they pull it off well. I keep my guard and don't get close to this person. I have gotten close to Katherine, Swann and Susan, but I would have to say that Katherine is the only person that I really trust.

I've been working with the medicals student for about two months now. It's going fairly well. I proctored the end of clerkship exam for my students (Neurology), Family Medicine, and Psychiatry. It went pretty well, until I got back to the office and realized that the person who handed out my exams (I was reading the prompts, while she passed out my exams) didn't hand them out in sequence. All the exams are numbered and they should be handed out 1,2,3,4 and so on. This time, she handed them out 1,2,4,7,8 and exams 5 and 6 weren't used. It wasn't a huge deal, but it's just frustrating. I'm trying to do everything perfectly so Dr. Goldstein will respect me and, more importantly, trust me to get the job done. I don't think the person handed them out in the wrong order, but I can't be sure.

I guess the situation with the exams taught me an important lesson. If you want something done correctly, you have to do it yourself. For the situation with the new person in the office, I'm not sure what I am supposed to learn. Is it good for me to be nice to their face when everyone in the office is constantly talking about their bad attitude? How do you know who you can up to? It's so tiring having to constantly be on guard.

Oh well, I've got 3 more days and the a few days off for Christmas.

Sprinting at 7:45

A good run early on a crisp winter morning is one of life's little pleasures. However, it's best when it's planned on done while wearing running gear. It doesn't work so well when you're wearing a tie and a peacoat. Oh well. Today had such a crazy start. I knew we had resident interviews, but for some reason I completely got the time mixed up. I thought I was early as I strolled to work. Around 7:40, Katherine called with panic in her voice. She wanted to know what I wasn't there. Then I realized breakfast had to be there by 8:00. Shit! I had to sprint from 3rd Avenue all the way to Madison. It was a nice workout, but I could have done without it. In the end, Katherine met the delivery guy and I don't really think Sealfon knew anything was wrong.

But wow! What a start to the week. Is it Friday yet?

Crisp Walk Through NYC

So, I was walking back to my apartment after having to walk all the way to 117th and Lenox to deposit $20 into my checking so my rent check wouldn't end up being charged to my credit card. But that's another story.

I was walking...alone...and I passed this couple walking arm in arm. OMG. Must we? I mean I'm sure it's nice to be happy and in love with someone, but is it necessary to flaunt it? Needless to say, I'm single and lonely.

I keep walking. Next are a mother and son. Really? Is this God's idea of a joke? A mother and son laughing and enjoying the crisp night air. A family to go home to would be so nice. I can only imagine them decorating their Christmas tree and opening presents on Christmas morning while mom and dad enjoy coffee and their kids' smiles.

The only redeeming part of the day was that Spencer totally got it. He and I are so alike. We both just want to meet someone nice (a guy for me and a girl for him). We just want families. It's nice to have someone who's not a NYC native who can understand how I feel.

I'm starting to understand Scrooge. He was single and in desperate need of some Zoloft.

I Am Sarah Palin

I've been thinking about this for a really long time. Personally, I can't think about Palin without thinking of all the parodies and jokes. I had the opinion that she was an idiot and a joke. I still think she is, but I have a new understanding and respect for her.

I DVRd her interview with Oprah. I didn't know much about her personal life during the campaign, except that her teenage daughter was pregnant. I didn't really care; shit happens and you deal with it. They didn't talk directly about her politics, which made sense. The election's in the past. They talked about her and her life.

I was impressed with how she handled her daughter's pregnancy. She wasn't happy with it, but she supported her daughter. I think that is incredibly commendable. She also talked about finding out that her own child was going to be born with Down Syndrome. She talked about telling her husband and how they knew they would be okay. Again, this says to me that she's a decent person with a loving partner.

But how am I Sarah Palin? I thought and still think she's pretty dumb when it comes to politics. Throughout the entire campaign, she seems ill prepared and stupid. She couldn't answer questions. She couldn't name books and magazines she reads. She obfuscated lots of issues and questions. That being said. That is exactly what I would have done. I couldn't answer any of the questions that interviewers asked of her. I don't know how to fix the economy. I don't know how to end the war in Iraq and Afghanistan. She and I are the same. We're likeable and good with people, but don't really know much about politics.

I think she was chosen because people could relate to her. I think conservative voters could see themselves in her. It's a shame that she didn't do an interview like she did with Oprah before the campaign. I think if she could be seen as a real woman with a family and a life that people would have respected her more. I don't think she would be a good Vice President and I know I wouldn't vote for her. But I now see her as a strong woman who supports her children, loves her husband and does represent Americans.

Agony

You can't have ecstasy without a little agony. Yesterday, I wrote about the amazing time that I had when Lindsay and A.J. came to visit me in NYC. I did. It was awesome. I did so many things that I'd never done before.

However, there were those moment of agony. Going clubbing where the bartenders look like gods? Going to brunch and having a waiter that looks more like an Abercrombie model than a server? Just walking down the street where everyone is in the clique and perfectly dressed and moisturized? It's painful.

I always said that I was gonna get in shape. Not just being at a healthy weight, but really get in shape. I always wanted to look like the guys in the underwear ads. Somehow, I never got there. I'm making progress now, but sometimes I feel like I'm 22 and it's too late. I'm still skinny. I want to be muscular and sexy and confident.

I think that during my normal day to day life, I don't think about it too much. But when you go to Chelsea, you have to be on. It's like a constant Calvin Klein ad / fashion show. I think the trick will be being happy with myself the way I am, not being happy when / if I reach this idealistic idea of beauty. However, I sometimes think spending hours and hours in the gym would be easier than dealing with all my insecurities.

Ecstasy

I finally got my first visit. Lindsay and A.J. came to visit all the way from Radford. It was AMAZING! It was just what I needed.

We went to the W Hotel, which was incredibly posh. Oddly, we fit right in. I guess as long as you are buying drinks, they don't really care if you belong or not. We went to Splash, which was the most crazy, exciting experience of my life. We walk in and what do we see? Two bartenders are making drinks in their underwear. OMG! Then I look around and there are six or seven male dancers on little platforms. We made our way to this area that overlooked the whole place. They didn't seem to enjoy it like I did. They didn't wanna dance. I was like, "um...no. I have been on the sidelines my whole life. I'm not standing around". It's part of my whole new me thing...but that's a whole other blog. I put a dollar bill down one of the dancer's briefs and then got on the floor. It was so liberating, sexy and euphoric. I don't hook up, but it's fun to have someone that close. It's nice to sweat and feel sexy and feel connected to someone else. Later that same night, we made our way to the Trump World Tower. There's a bar, The World Bar, which is located next to the UN. On the way over, I decided how to create world peace, but I was drunk so I can't remember it now. Oh well. Maybe it'll come back to me.

The next day we went to Bryant Park to enjoy the great outdoors in my favorite way (right in the middle of a huge city - no poison ivy). It was perfect and so New York. We got Starbucks and sat by the ice skating rink to wait the skaters. It was crisp and cool, but not cold. It was so romantic, but since Lindsay is a girl and A.J. wasn't interested (I know, crazy, right?), I was out of luck. I thought it'd be a great idea to go ice skating. I mean, sure, I've never ice skated or roller skated in my life, but how hard can it be? It be very hard! I spent the first 10 minutes holding onto the sides. Eventually I had to let go because the little girl behind me was mad that I was going so slow. Once on the ice, I fell so many times. It took me a long time to get the hang of it. Even though I fell a hundred times, it was so much fun. By the time we had to leave, I was kinda getting the hang of it.

We went shopping (aka Lindsay and I watched, while A.J. shopped). It was cool to visit all the big stores and see the people who were obviously tourists. Here's a tip for blending in NYC - don't wear camo. We also went shopping Canal Street, which was more in my price range. There's nothing like buying knockoffs from a lady on the street. It was an experience! I got a ring (nothing fancy), but I think it'll be my "Carrie necklace". It's worthless, but it'll remind me of a really happy time.

We did brunch (how fabulous) at Elmo in Chelsea. The food was just okay, but the waiter was gorgeous and they played the Lady Gaga and Rihanna albums before they were released, so it was a winner to me. I like the idea of brunch. You can wake up late, eat any kind of food you want and drink without judgement. Does it get any better? I think not.

This past weekend was just what I needed. I needed a connection to people. I've known A.J. and Lindsay for so long and it was good to see them. I really hope Lindsay gets a job in NYC. She and I would be the perfect NYC duo. It was a brief glimpse of the life that I want. I want shopping, friends, ice skating, Starbucks, fun.

After Picture (3 Months with Jimmy)

Wow! It's seems crazy that only 3 months ago I began workign with Jimmy. It's so crazy to see how we've evolved. When we started, I was so scared and weak. I tried so hard to impress him. Now, I'm getting stronger. I can push myself further than I think I can. I am shocked at how much more I can do. Jimmy and I are different. I'm not afraid of him. I'm not really looking for his approval, but his respect. I'm far from it, but I want him to see me as an equal, a friend.

There were so many things (chin-ups, dips, elevated push ups, plyometrics) that I thought I'd never be able to do. Now I can do them easily and I LOVE doing them. I've never seen results like I have seen in the last 3 months.

Against my financial common sense, I'm doing another 24 sessions with Jimmy. This picture is the "after" picture for my first 3 months with Jimmy and the "before" picture for the next 3 months.

Kelly and John and Justin

I think there are always those albums that you listen to when you're in a relationship that become impossible to listen to after the relationship ends. That's certainly true for me. For me, there are three albums that just feel like a bullet in my heart. They are: Kelly Clarkson's My December, John Mayer's Continuum, and Justin Timberlake's FutureSex/LoveSounds. Each of those albums make me shutter.

Kelly's album was perfect at first. Never Again was my jilted lover anthem and it made me feel great. In fact, most of the songs are okay. There's one song, Be Still, that just gets me every time. It's about just laying there next to the person you love. I can remember how good that used to feel. There another song, Maybe, that hurts. Maybe defined my life. My life was a constant maybe. Sober was another song that resonated with me. There's one line when she says, "three months and I'm still not over it". Honey, try three years and I'm still not over it. Even though it's hard to listen to, I'm trying. Musically and lyrically, it's a fantastic album. I'm actually going to listen to it tonight. I've got to get past it.

Next, John Mayer's Continuum. OMG, I was so in love with this album because Brian was so in love with it. Lyrically, it's really smart. The melody's are mellow and relaxing. John's voice is okay, kinda bland. But, this is the album that makes me stop breathing. Vultures and Gravity, I can just imagine Brian listening to these songs. I could never tell if these songs were about love working out or falling apart. It got so bad that I had to delete the album (which I paid for) and throw away the hard copy. Ever since then, I have hated John Mayer and everything he's done. I think it's a defense mechanism. It's easier to hate someone I've never met than to address the feelings behind hating a stranger's music.

Lastly, Justin's second album. My Love was my anthem. He sings, "Baby just say I do". I would always change the lyrics to, "Baby just say I DON'T" for obvious reasons. The lyrics don't really deal with relationships that much, but it's just the vibe and the memories that emanate from the album. It brings back so many memories from 200 Robey Street, Apartment B. It's a shame. These are three great albums, but I just can't seem to listen to them without getting emotions.

But, memories come and go. I find that I've got new albums and new memories. I've got Mariah's Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel and Whitney's I Look To You. Of course, both albums both remind me of Brian, but they also remind me of NYC. I remember seeing the Mariah posters all over the city and seeing Whitney in Central Park.

It's so crazy how a song can bring back to such a specific place in time.

9 to 5

I don't know where Dolly Parton worked, but my 9 to 5 is turning into a 9 to 8:45. Today was an uber long day because we have residency interviews on Monday. We received 700 applications to our program. We chose 90 to interview. We'll pick 8 to join the program. So, yeah, pretty selective.

Today was the day to get everything done. We did all the things around that office that should have been done ages ago. We moved old filing cabinets, cleaned the conference and threw away so much junk.

After Dr. Sealfon left was when the party really began. Katherine and I both LOVE Britney. We cranked her way up and got the rest of our work done. When we were organizing the library we pulled up the video for 3 on the projector and rocked out in surround sound.

She is so much fun. We have soooooo much fun at work and a day never goes by that we don't laugh hysterically at least once.

Rush

Okay, so I went to the haunted house and got molested by one of the zombies. No big deal? It was to me, but not in a bad way. Having a guy breath on me and bite me was exhilarating. I realize that passion is something that I'm missing in my life. It's so much more than just sex. I want intimacy. I want excitement. I've gone without for so long that just having a guy get close made my heart race.

But on the other side, I tend to look at people and think they're dirty and gross. Granted, on the subway, it's hot and sweaty and they are dirty and gross. But, in general, I tend to look at guys and just lack any drive. Being a hypochondriac doesn't help. Being shy doesn't help. Being self-conscious doesn't help.

I want that rush. The rush that the random zombie gave me in a pitch black haunted house. There's a possibility on the horizon. Let's just say that I'll be having my own version of Mr. Big in San Francisco. I could pretend to debate what I'm gonna do, but I already know what'll happen if he does come. It'd be wrong and illicit and perfect and exactly what I need.

Halloween in NYC

Wow!! People take this holiday very seriously. It was really cool to see people dressed up walking down the street, sitting in restaurants, and riding the subway. It was a collective celebration.

Katherine and her son, Aaron, and Claudia and her nephew, Chris, and I went to Nightmare: Vampire in Noho. I, like a loser, didn't dress up. But I was wearing my sexy, white Hollister shirt (this'll be important later), so I was feeling pretty good. I was supposed to take the 6 to Bleeker, but they were having some problems and I had to get off at Union Square. Katherine tried to pick me up in her Jeep but the streets were closed for the parade. I had to catch a cab and make it to Broadway and Houston...asap. And with my luck, it took forever to get a taxi, but I finally made it there. Katherine and Aaron were pretty late because of the traffic, but we made it in fine.

Okay, so the haunted house was kinda disappointing. I was hoping to be sooo scared that I'd have trouble sleeping. There were some intersting moments, though. One room had a girl in her underwear dancing on a stripper pole. There were strobe lights, which I think are uber sexy. Then a zombie walks in with blood on his face. It was just like in 28 Days later...perfect effects and really scary. But then he put his hands down his pants and started jerking off while she danced. Very weird and not appropriate since Aaron and Chris are like 15. Awkward since their Mom / Aunt were there.

This was the best part. We were walking across a bridge that wobbled and this one zombie / actor / whatever got all up in my face and was breathing on my neck. It was creepy, but fine since it was for show. Then he found out my name because Claudia was screaming for me...she was a riot. He said that he had to sacrifice me by making me go first. He grabbed my wrist and pulled me forward into this tunnel that you really had to squeeze through the inflated walls. He got really close and then licked my neck and bit my neck. Um...what?!?

Some would expect me to be outraged. Nah, I was actually really turned on. It's been so long since someone's been that close to me. It was a rush. It was dark and scary and hot. I should have given him my number. Of course, since he was on me he got fake blood all over my neck and t-shirt (my sexy, white Hollister shirt). Oh well, I guess that the price I pay for a random, anonymous, sexy, encounter with a zombie.

Scary? No. Hawt? Yes.

Then we went to Dave and Busters for dinner and to watch the Yankees game. It was a blast. They won so the crowd was going crazy. We played skeeball, air hockey, games where you get tickets and that video game with a gun where you shoot zombies. I felt like I was 14 again. It was a really fun night and I'm glad because Katherine is like my best friend.

The subway ride home was...interesting. There were a group of black people that were drunk and announcing everyone's costumes. There was a tranny who was feeling so much hotter than everyone else. There was a guy dressed a French maid, who I would so totally have done. Claudia asked me if I thought he was cute, so I guess she's put two and two together...finally.

Overall, it was great night!!! But, next year I'm going balls to the wall. I'm gonna keep lifting and working out and running so I can get a really slutty costume and look damn good in it.

Clerkship Coordinator

When I see a good idea, I jump on it. Recently Katherine found out that she couldn't work with both the residents and the medical students. The residency programs needs someone full time, so she had to drop the medical students and when she did I was more than willing to pick them up.

After careful consideration and talking with Dr. Sealfon, we agreed to give the medical students to me. I'm the new Clerkship Coordinator. This is such a great opportunity. It will look great on my resume and it allows me to explore Sinai and take on more responsibility. Unfortunately, they can't increase my salary just yet, but we're gonna renegotiate that after I've proven that I can handle both positions (Executive Assistant and Clerkship Coordinator).

I'm pretty excited! I've already started working with the students - doing evaluations and stuff. It's a lot of organization and stuff to learn, but I think it'll be fun. The only thing is that I'm pretty nervous. I can't fuck anything up.

As Katherine put it, "If you fuck this up, I will fuck YOU up."

Beauty Killer

If you were to ask most people what kind of music I like, I can predict the answers you would receive. Madonna, Britney, Cher, Lady Gaga, Beyonce, etc. I like divas! I like pretty, pop music about love and dancing and having fun. I like songs about glamour and fashion. If a song mentions a fashion designers name, you can rest assured that I love it.

However, I recently found something different. I found something that offers an alternative. The ladies make fame, fortune, and beauty all seem perfect. Jeffree Star, on the other hand, makes it look dark and dirty. I've listened to him in the past. Lollipop Luxury, Straight Boys, and Plastic Surgery Slumber Party are amazing. I just downloaded his new album, Beauty Killer, this afternoon. It's friggin' amazing - one of the best (aside from Mariah's Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel) that I've bought in a long time.

It's dark and gritty and violent. It has the same subject as Lady Gaga's The Fame, but a totally different spin on the topic. Beauty Killer is about the pain and struggle associated with fame. Read the lyrics:

"Sew up your self-esteem, it's fantastic

Your body can't move, paralyzed and plastic

Being real is so sarcastic

When you're dead you'll be airbrushed in your casket

When you're famous, you're hot

Always something you're not

So keep on fucking but you'll never reach the top"

As someone who constantly goes to the gym in search for something that I'm pretty sure isn't at the gym, I can totally relate. We struggle so much for perfection and beauty, but it's a fight that no one can win. People want to be beautiful, but no one is perfect.

"I almost died, but it felt great.

Faking perfection wasn't worth the wait

I may be easy, easy to hate

But you're so fucking easy, easy to break"

I love this honest and new view on life. People are vain and shallow and empty and broken. I'm one of those people. Jeffree has a cynical, destructive, and refreshing attitude. He's so confident in himself, which is something I'd love to be able to emulate. He's so different and doesn't care what people think of him. I love how he exposed the ugliness behind the scenes. He's sound is so dirty and raunchy and pained at some times, and yet it's set to a fun, club beat. I love the ugliness behind the search for beauty.

"But that look is lying

Fake smiles, let's pretend

Everyone acts like they're my friend

Build up, knock down, that's the trend I'm not buying it"

Award for Intention

I, along with most Americans, was shocked that President Obama was given the Nobel Peace Prize. He's only been in office a little over a year and the application was submitted when he had only been in office for two weeks. That's a short time frame to change the world and deserve such a prestigious award. Nelson Mandela ended apartheid in South Africa, Mother Theresa devoted her life to helping the sick and the poor, and Mikhail Gorbachev helped tear down the Berlin Wall and reunited Germany. These are all worthy causes that have made the world a better place. What are Obama's accomplishments?

Exactly. Guantanamo Bay is still open. We're still at WAR (kinda the opposite of PEACE) in Afghanistan and Iraq. He hasn't done anything of worth mentioning in his first year in office, aside from kill a fly on TV and pick a first dog. Oh yeah, he's also fighting (and will be fighting forever) for his healthcare program. He hasn't done anything, which makes him reminiscent of George W. Bush. In fact, I think he's worse because he made so many grand promises and now he's going back on all of them. He told the LGBT community that we had a friend in the White House. At this point, friends isn't exactly how I would describe our relationship.

The thing that makes me angry the most is that no one can talk about Obama's shortcomings. If you criticize him, you're racist. It's ridiculous. I hate how when it was announced, I saw black people cheering for him. They probably don't even know what the Nobel Peace Prize is. That's not a racist comment - I don't know much about it either. It's this blind faith that people (white and black) put in our leaders.

And when I pointed out the evidence that Obama is not deserving, I kept seeing the same response. Everyone says that he's GOING to do all these great things. Perfect! I hope he does. But he hasn't yet and good intentions don't really count for anything. I think people need to wake up and stop putting blind faith in Obama. When / if he comes through on his promises, I will be the first to support him. But until he does, I'm going to remain cynical.

Ick on the Subway

I'm a major proponent for mass transit. It's environmentally friendly, quick and cheaper than having to pay for parking, gas and insurance. Yes, I support mass transit. However, today was different. I took the 4 from 96th all the way down to 23rd street. It was the longest (mentally) ride on the subway of my life.

At first, I thought I was gonna be lucky. I only had to wait a few minutes before the train arrived. It was a little crowded but nothing to bad...until we reached 86th when all these fairly attractive people got on. Now it was crowded and they made me feel bad about myself (which is an entirely different blog). We were crammed so tightly in the train and, to me, it felt like there was no A/C. I could feel the sweat running down my back...and not in a good way. Then the really pretty German tourist decided to move about an inch away from me. Her ponytail kept hitting me in the face and I didn't have enough room to reach into my pocket to turn up my iPod. This girl was so close to me that if she ends up pregnant, there's a chance it could be mine. Yes, that's how close we were.

Can't get worse, right? Wrong! Then around 51st or 42nd street, a whole clan of Indians got on (with their baby and a stroller). Now it can't get worse, right? Wrong! A Mexican was right behind them with a baby and a stroller. Are you fucking kidding me? Of course, neither of them bothered to fold up the stroller like the signs all say. I guess they can't read it because it's in English. I'm trying to relax and just listen to Mariah, but then I turn my head and get a nice whiff of the Indian guy. I think we all know it goes without saying that he did not smell like roses or fresh linen. At this point I was done trying to be nice. I did this like disgusted / mean / gay face (the same one that my mom makes when she's mad - I guess it's only gay when I do it). Ah well.

Finally, we get to my stop and I literally have to climb over and push people out of the way. Getting off the subway was the best feeling in the world. Normally, the subway is great! But today is was...ick.

Two Moments

I had two moments at work this past week that really resonated with me. I think they are the kind of moments that will stick with me for years. People always talk about pivotal life moments and think these two may those kind of experiences.

1) Dr. Sealfon and I were talking about a new clinical faculty's credentials. We've been having so many problems with getting the paperwork completed and organized, which really is Medical Staff Services' job. But he was telling me what we needed to do in order to get this new MD set so he can start practicing. Dr. Sealfon then gave me some fatherly advice or at least that is how it seemed to me. He said that people were incompetent and that only reason that his lab was so successful was because he bird-dogged (first time I've heard that expression) everyone all the time. You have to track things from one office to another because if something goes wrong, you know exactly where to go. It seemed like really good advice. People are stupid and if you have to rely on them, it's best to track their every move.

2) I had been trying to find this drug to use in a clinical trial. I need the components of the drug, not the drug itself. There are two parts and they are combined into one pill when it's sold. That doesn't work for what I need. After emailing a woman back and forth for about 6 weeks, I finally got the confirmation that she can get the drug from a Finnish manufacturer. I'm still working out the details, but I figured I had enough to finally let Dr. Sealfon know. When I told him, he actually clapped, jumped up and down and exclaimed some version of "yippee". I was really happy! I usually feel like I don't make much of a difference, but he made it clear that this would go to help people. I'm not sure exactly how much I helped, but it really made me happy to make my boss so excited. After he went back to his office, Katherine smiled her big smile and clapped.

Ah, two great moments from Mt. Sinai.

H.A.T.E.U.

"Once upon a time
we swore not to say goodbye
Something got a hold of us and we changed
Then you sat alone in pride
And I sat at home and cried
How'd our fairytale just end up this way?

We went round for round til' we knocked love out
We were laying in the ring, not making a sound
And if that's a metaphor of you and I
Why is it so hard to say goodbye?

I can't wait to hate you
Make you, pain like I do
Still can't shake you off.
I can't wait to break through
These emotional changes
Seems like such a lost 'cause
I can't wait to face you
Break you, down so low
There's no place left to go..

I can't wait to hate you..

Love is, was a love phenomenon no one could explain
And I wish, I could press reset
And feel that feeling again
I sit and press rewind and watch us everynight
Wanna pause it, but I can't make it stay

We went round for round til' we knocked love out
We were laying in the ring, not making a sound
And if that's a metaphor of you and I
Why is it so hard to say g'bye?

I can't wait to hate you
Make you, pain like I do
Still can't shake you off.
I can't wait to break through
these emotional changes
seems like such a lost 'cause
I can't wait to face you
break you, down so low
there's no place left to go

I can't wait to hate you

No need to call my phone cause I changed my number today
Amatter fact, I think i'm moving away
Sorry, the frustrations got me feeling that way
And I just keep having one last thing to say
And I just wanna hold you,
Touch you, feel you, be near you, I miss you baby baby baby..
I'm tired of try'na fake through, but there's nothing I can do..

Boy, I can't wait to hate you"

~Mariah Carey

Long Island / Coney Island

I love getting out and exploring New York. It's always more fun with someone. That's why I was so excited when Crystal told me she was coming to New York for a college fair. I was so excited to meet up with her in Long Island. I can remember spending many hours in her office in Admissions when I was supposed to be entering tour cards.

Since I'm almost proficient in the ways of NYC, buying my ticket and catching the LIRR was a piece of cake. I didn't really know what to expect of Long Island. It's not one of the five boroughs, but I have this image of New York. I picture snowy mountains, beautiful homes in the woods and lakes. Granted, I'm sure this is how it does look upstate, but that is NOT what Long Island is like. It seemed stuck in the 1980s. The college hosting the fair was straight out of 16 Candles. Everything was old and in need of repair.

But Crystal and I were having a great time. She's one of those people that I hadn't seen in months, but we were able to pick up like nothing had changed - I love that feeling. The highlight of the fair was when she tried to drink water without putting her mouth on the bottle. Did she succeed? No, oh no, she failed miserably and spilled water all down her shirt. We did have a few people stop by our table and it felt great to be able to deliver my Radford schpeel again.

After the fair, we took the train to Penn Station and the caught the Q to Coney Island. Unfortunately, the Q only went half way there because they were doing renovations. Great! So, we had to take a bus to Coney Island. Ah, it was an adventure and we got to see a lot of Brooklyn, which made me glad I live in Manhattan.

Finally, we reached Coney Island only to find that it's closed. And not just for the summer - forever. I later found out that they are tearing it down and revamping the whole area. So, no ferris wheel, freak show, Nathan's hot dog or rollercoaster for me :-(
But we did get to walk on the beach - something I haven't done in years and walk on a pier way out over the ocean. We had dinner at Subway in the subway and then were both extremely grossed out by the ghetto-est bathroom ever.

All in all, it was perfect! It was so much fun to hang out with Crystal and do something. I'm usually the guy who just hangs out home. It was nice to get out and do something for a change. But, now Crystal's recruiting in Boston. I guess I'll go back to being lonely.

Too Many Kanyes

So Brian forwarded this emails that someone had sent him. They called him horrible names, etc because of what he had written about the budget cuts at Radford. I can understand a meaningful, even heated, discussion about an issue. What I can't understand is why people think it's okay to attack someone's personal life. Let's get one thing straight. I am the only one who gets to yell at Brian about his life choices. And trust me, I do.

The email wasn't all about him. They called me his boy toy who was a stupid ditz. They said that he only called me when he was horny. Wow. That really pissed me off. I love how people think they know anything. No one has a clue about Brian and I's past (or maybe present) relationship. And to make me seem like some stupid slut who is just ready and waiting for him really pissed me off.

But what they said is really not the point. Brian and I know about us. I don't need to justify anything. I have absolutely no regrets (said in the voice of Madonna from the Human Nature video). My issue is why this person who was clearly mad at Brian felt the need to bring me into it.

I'm almost glad this happened. Because it taught me a valuable lesson. If you have an opinion and it does not involve you and no one really wants to hear, maybe it's best to just not say anything. There are just too many Kanyes in this world.

The Wrong Men

Everyone has a type. Anyone who says they don't is either lying or hasn't figured out what theirs is yet. My type seems to be guys I can't have. But it's more than that. I seem to be drawn to guys who don't treat me the way I want.

Brian is a great guy. But I can't have him. Our relationship / friendship (it really seems more like a relationship without talking about love or sex) is okay. I still find myself logging onto Facebook at work just to chat with him. It's not an issue as long as I get my work done. As much as I love him, our relationship was really rocky. It was a constant battle; a constant struggle. I was always chasing him and pushing him. We never got the place where we could just be. As real as our love is, our relationship never became real.

Okay, that is one case. Now I've got Soman. That's quite possibly one of the biggest exaggerations ever. I don't have him, nor do I want him. He's older and not my "type" at all. For the record, my type is someone who is cute, wears polos and flip-flops, is toned, and likes to read, go to museums and hold my hand. He is none of those - albeit he is kinda cute. He has said that he only like gorgeous guys (aka not me), but that he also likes cute guys (aka me ) to fool around with. Um...how about hell no! He is, by his own admission, not romantic at all. He thinks that romantic gestures are only suitable for movies. Um...no. I am so romantic. I love surprising people and doing sweet things.

It's obvious that he and I would never make it as a couple. To be honest, I don't want to be in a relationship with him. Why then do I find myself texting him? Why does he text me? I have a hypothesis. Because I know that it'll never get serious, I'll always be available if things change with Brian. But can it really be that simple? If I wanted something fun with no strings attached, I could find it. Why do I keep going back for more?

Sometimes I think that being happy scares me. I have this grand vision of what I want my life to be. Maybe I'm afraid to be with someone who treats me well and might love me in return because I'm afraid to lose it. Maybe I'm not comfortable with myself and therefore it's easier to have a casual friendship with benefits with someone for whom I don't have deep feelings.

Maybe I say that I want one thing, but really want another. If I really wanted to be in a romantic, sweet relationship I would be done with Soman and Brian. I'd find someone wonderful who loves me and treats me the way I want. Maybe that's not what I want. Maybe I like the chase. Maybe I like the disappointment.

You are probably getting the picture of what it's like inside my head. I think entirely too much.

Friends

There are a million things to do in New York on any given night. It's amazing! However, I don't have people with which to do those things. It's hard because the people I work with are all older and I can't really be friends with them that way I want. Katherine is friggin' hilarious and I love her, but she's 35 and has two kids. I think it'd be hard for her to go out and party with me. We're at two different points in life. Maybe I'm just making excuses.

Soman, he's a whole other story, says that I need to get a gay crew. I think he's right, but where do I start? He suggested going to gay clubs and meeting people. Um...I don't think that you go clubbing to meet your new bff. Drinking, dancing and making out - not exactly how I picture friendships blossoming. But, I do need to start somewhere.

My roommates are great! We hang out and stuff, but I can't take them to Chelsea. I'm sure they don't really want to go clubbing and seeing me drop it like it's hot. Not that they're judgmental, but I need a place or a group of people that are my own.

I really wish I could transplant all my friends from Radford. I need a Lora, Carl, Emily, Julianna, Tonise, Skeens, Meredith, etc. I need these high-caliber type people in my life in New York.

I want to have fun, but I don't want to do it alone.

My iTunes, Myself

My old laptop went kaput. But, after fours years I should have seen it coming. I was relieved to learn that extracting my old data wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. I paid someone to do it for me. Geek Squad was able to save all my documents, pictures, and (most importantly), my music.

Once I got my new computer back with all my old information, I had the task of reorganizing my iTunes library. It was actually pretty simple - click and drag. I had to download a lot of artwork and recreate my playlists, but now it is almost exactly the same as it was on my old laptop.

The only thing that's different is my play counts. Sound minor, right? Not quite. Hung Up (Radio Edit) was my top song with a play count of over 260. That is an impressive number. My personal life is reflected in my top 10 as well. Erotica (You Thrill Me) and Get Together (Live) were my anthems during my life in college. Expanding it out to my top 100, you see this mosaic of me. Such diversity - Cher, Madonna, Celine Dion, Britney. So many genres, decades, styles.

I also found myself puzzled by some of the songs that I found being imported into my new library. Ol' Dirty Bastard, Loretta Lynn, Paris Hilton, Ricky Martin. What was I thinking?

Now, I rebuild. I guess this is a reinvention. I start over. I find old and new songs that reflect my style and where I am in my life. Maybe this is a good thing. I can let my new top 10 reflect a new me.

Spasiba

I LOVE weddings! I went to Baku Palace in Brooklyn last night to go to a Russian / Jewish wedding with Erica. It was an uber short ceremony (like 10 minutes), but it was nice. The rest of the night was spent eating and drinking and dancing. The reception was gorgeous! Elegant...sexy...just what I want.

The food was amazing. Each table has about a dozen plates of food and it was all delicious. We had caviar, crab salad, lamb, roasted potatoes. They spared no expense! Another area that was top tier was the alcohol. We had at least three bottles of Absolut at our table, plus bottles of wine and cognac.

But before we had time to sit down, eat, or drink, we had to dance. We did that traditional Jewish dance where everyone moves around in a circle. Then...they put the bride and groom on chairs and lifted them up. I knew they were going to do this, but I didn't expect the DJ to grab my arm and make me help. So...there I was holding the front leg of the chair holding the bride. Um...scary. I could only concentrate on not dropping her. But, it all went well! The bride and groom kissed up in the chairs, it was really sweet.

We danced and drank and drank and drank. I drunk texted Brian like four times about how I wanted to marry him and I loved him. Someone should really have taken my phone away. Oh well, I was just being honest.

By about 12:30, I was tired and ready to go home. We still had an hour and a half subway ride. Everything was going well until we got on the subway. All the rocking back and forth did little to settle my stomach (filled with vodka, caviar and sooo much fresh fruit). We had to get off at Cortelyou so I could throw up in a trash can. How sanitary. Me...hugging a subway trash can in my fancy suit. Ah classy! Ah well, shit happens.

It was such a fun evening. Sure, almost everything was in Russian. Sure, I almost throw up on the subway. But, I'm beginning to think that's life. This is life. These are the things that I'm gonna remember fondly. Seeing Erica was sooo much fun. It's nice to have friends that you cannot see for a long time and pick up like they never left.

The Circus Starring Britney Spears

I very rarely acting spontaneously. I like structure and a plan. But, when I saw that there were still good seats for Britney's concert at Madison Square Garden, I just had to jump at the opportunity. I could give a long play by play of the entire concert, but it's not really necessary. I don't remember every detail, but I do remember the overall experience. These are some of the highlights:

1) Sex - the entire show was about sex. The songs - If U Seek Amy, Get Naked (I Got a Plan), Breathe on Me, Touch of my Hand, Freakshow - were all so sexual and suggestive. I LOVED it! She did an interlude mash-up of Marilyn Manson's cover of Sweet Dreams and a version of her own. Everyone was making out and grinding, but it was dark and sexy. It may have been called The Circus, but it certainly was not for children of all age.

2) Me Against the Music (Bollywood Remix) - This was an amazing performance. The costumes were stunning and the choreography was on point. I was kinda nervous that she wouldn't move the way used to, but this song proved me wrong. She came right over to our section and was sooo close.

3) Her Body - Now as a gay man, I can't fully appreciate a woman's body, but her's was HOT. She was in great shape and she looked beautiful. She looked (and this is gonna sound corny), but she looked like an angel. She was just so pretty. I know the tabloids make her look ugly without makeup, but last night she was stunning. Another thing I noticed was that she seemed to be having a good time. Who knows? Maybe she was bored out of her mind, but her smile (which I was close enough to see) seemed genuine.

4) FUN!! - That's what I remember the most. I remember shaking my ass to Piece of Me and Radar. I remember being in awe for Touch of My Hand and Everytime. I remember not being able to believe my eyes for a the acrobatics. The setlist was perfect -a great mix of the old and the new. She may not be the best singer, but she is a great entertainer! I was having fun from start to finish!

No, it wasn't as good as the Sticky and Sweet Tour. But, I didn't expect it to be. Madonna is the Queen and always will be. However, The Circus Starring Britney Spears was something that Brintey can look back on and be proud. If this is Britney's comeback, I can NOT wait to listen to her next album and get floor seats for her next tour.

Up in the Gym / Working on my Fitness

I couldn't put it off any longer. I had kept saying that I'd wait until I was settled before I started looking for a gym. Well, there is a Bally Total Fitness about 10 minutes from my apartment. And, the promotional pricing ends tonight at midnight. I went in this afternoon to get a tour and talk about pricing. They wanted to charge me $54.99 a month. Um...I was on their website at work this afternoon and it was $34.99. They told me that the promotion had ended. Um...no. Then the manager came in and said because I worked at Sinai that it'd only be $44.99. Wow! Because I work at Sinai, you're only going to overcharge me $10 a month. Gee! Thanks.

So, I went home and got online and checked it out. I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they thought it had already ended. Maybe they didn't know about it. Sounds like a stretch, but I'm gonna be nice. I got my deal, so I'm happy.

Unfortunately, now I have to start working out. It's ben so long since I've been to the gym. But, I saw a pic of Zac without a shirt on Perez this afternoon and it really motivated me (among other things). The only way to look the way I want is to work for it. So, I guess I'll start a new routine. I'm thinking about posting before and after shots, but I'm really pasty. Maybe we'll just go with a sexy after pic. You just take my word that I need a major overhaul.

Full Disclosure

When I started looking for an apartment, I generally sent the person looking for a roommate a brief description of myself. I'd tell them what I do for a living, what I like to do for fun, etc. I also told them that I was gay. I'd usually explain that I'm not that obvious unless I'm around friends or people around whom I feel comfortable.

I didn't think much about it. But now, I'm starting to meet people who are interested in the other bedroom in our apartment. I met with this guy tonight. He seemed nice - very type A and very guys' guy. We went to White Castle for burgers and talked about our lives. I definitely dropped some hints - I told him I'm seeing Britney Spears on Wednesday, but I didn't feel comfortable telling him I was gay.

In my opinion, it really shouldn't matter. Of course, in a perfect world everyone would accept others' differences. But, I'm not living in a perfect world - I live in New York. But even still, why should what I do in my room be a deal-breaker for someone who might want to move in? Since I'm not seeing anyone right now, there's no awkward sex while the roommates are home situations. Right now, the gayest things going on in my room are Sex and the City marathons and the Queer As Folk DVDs sitting on my shelf.

With the guy I met tonight, I felt like I had to tell him. I felt like it was a drawback and I needed to warn him. I would rather tell someone and have them not be comfortable with it and not move in, rather than let someone move in and then find out and live in awkwardness. I can understand if I were blind, deaf, or in a wheelchair. Those would be situations where my roommates would have to make certain accomodations. Um....being gay isn't a disability. I don't need...no, strike that...I don't want to be treated any differently.

Groceries

There are a lot of misconceptions about New York. Everything thinks it's dirty and loud and expensive. From my limited experience, I haven't found any of those things to be true. Sure, the streets will be dirty in the morning before they pick up the trash or one the weekends when people party. But, the same could be said for Radford. It isn't any louder than Light Side is on a Friday night. In Central Park or at night, the streets are actually pretty quite. I was walking back from the train station on Sunday night and actually noticed how quite Time Square was and how there weren't any people.

Another misconception is that food is uber expensive. Sure, if you go to the Food Emporium where they all the fancy organic food it will be expensive. But, I went to the Associated last night for groceries. They had all the brands I like and it wasn't overly expensive. The eggs were $1.79, the half gallon of OJ was $2.99 and whole wheat bread was 2 for $5.00. I was really surprised. The aisles were really small, but oh well. Ari and I have a collapsible shopping buggy in our apartment. I took it with me and then pushed all my groceries back to my apartment. And the grocery store is only 2 blocks away so it's convenient.

This is another big check mark on my list of things to do in order to get used to NYC.

Big Move

So, Sunday was the big day. I finally moved into my new apartment in New York. The day started badly - I realized that I wasn't going to be able to fit everything in my car. I had no intention of making one trip and then waiting a week and making another trip the following weekend. So, I made two trips into and out of the city that day. The GPS was messed up when I went into the city the first time. It sent me to Brooklyn. I was making all these turns and then it tells me that I'm arriving at my destination. Um...No. This is a crappy street in Brooklyn. No.

But, the rest of the day went smoothly. Ari and I unpacked all the kitchen stuff (including my Tervis Tumblers from the RU bookstore). Then I went back to NJ and go my clothes and bedding. I took the Lincoln tunnel into the city, which put me downtown on the West side. I live uptown and on the Upper East Side. I had to drive past 5th Avenue and Madison, which was under construction, so it took forever.

Finally, everything was in boxes in my room. But, I still had to drive back to NJ to leave my car there. So I get back to NJ at 10:00 and wait until 11:00 for Kasey to take me to the train station. I had to wait until 12:15 for the next train. I was the only person on the platform until an older Korean man sat next to me and started talking. At first it was nice to have a conversation with him. But, after a while I was over it. He kept talking and talking and talking. Then he sat next to me on the train and kept talking. I could not have made it more obvious that I was tired and wanted to sleep until we got to NYC. But he actually woke me up to keep talking. Ugh. Then he asked for my phone number and email address so that I could help tutor Korean people...or something. I tried to tune him out so I wasn't really paying attention.

The first night in New York was okay. I slept on the floor because I was so tired and sweaty and gross that I didn't feel like setting up my air mattress. Now that I've got my mattress inflated (kinda ghetto, I know) and almost everything unpacked, it's starting to feel like home. The next thing I need is an A/C unit because my room is HOT...and I don't just mean when I'm sleeping in my boxer briefs...I mean it is HOT, like 80 degrees HOT. I'm going tonight to pick one up and I don't care how much they cost. I am not going home without an A/C unit.

I do miss Michele and Kasey. We laughed and had so much fun. But, I know I'll visit and do the holidays there.Well, now that I've got a new home things are looking up. Now I can start exploring the city without worrying about catching a train to NJ.

Well, now the real adventure begins...

Hunger

I find myself with this overwhelming need for contact with another person. I'm not talking about sex. I just want to feel something with someone. I feel like I've been so closed off lately. It's kind of hard to explain.

I was riding the subway a few weeks ago and the car was packed. We were all squished together and I could feel the people around me. It felt so good just to have someone be so close to me. It's weird. If someone puts their hands on my shoulders or hugs me or makes any physical connection, my heart starts racing.

I love New York, but you always have to be guarded. You have to watch out for your wallet and watch out for people. I just want to let the walls down and feel. I don't want to have sex with anyone (well, maybe one person). I just want to feel someone's fingers on skin. A kiss. Something that will make me feel human and not like a robot. I want to be vunerable and still.

Carrie and Big / Boys

I love Sex and the City. Everyone knows that, but I don't think they know why. So far, my relationship with Brian has followed the storyline of Carrie and Big in almost of every way.

Let's recap:

Carrie meets Big and dates for a few months only to break up when he can't tell her she's the one. Big marries Natasha, but they fall apart. Big only loves Carrie and getting married was a huge mistake. He gets drunk and tells Carrie that it isn't working and that he's getting divorced. Then, he gets scared and changes his mind. Carrie tries to be tough and tells Big to go to home, but can't fight the attraction and begins a torrid affair with him. So far...that's my life to the letter.

This is where is gets tricky. Eventually, Natasha leaves Big because of the affair (like any normal woman would). Carrie and Big go through this long period of talking and randomly seeing each other, but they are never together. Big moves to California so they were separated by hundreds of miles. During this time, Carrie dates Aidan and then Aleksander Petrovsky. However, no matter how good the relationship seems, it never works. Like Carrie says, "When that big love comes along, it's not always easy." Finally, at the end of the movie, Carrie and Big get married and live happily ever after (well, at least until the sequel). Will Brian and I get our happy ending? Is it something worth waiting for? It's already been three years. How do you know when it's over?

Am I Carrie? Is Brian Big? It's so hard to look at my life objectively. How do I try to meet new people and date in New York if I'm always thinking about this person that I can't have? Isn't it delusional and dangerous to just keep wishing and hoping and waiting? And after all the pain, I don't think I could open myself up like I did back then. I was young, new and naive. I think, or I'd like to think, that I'm smarter now.

The problem is that the feelings never go away. I hadn't seen him for months and then saw him at a gas station in Winchester and everything came flooding back. It would almost be easier if they would go away. Obviously, it's not easy. Nobody knows me the way he does. He knows when when something's wrong even if I say that I'm fine. He knows the most intimate details of my life. There one scene that I love so much because I understand exactly how Carrie feels. Big is bothering Carrie (calling her and trying to see her) and she wants nothing to do with him. He's married and needs to leave her alone. He meets her at a hotel where she's writing and follows her to the elevator. He tries to kiss her. She is so pissed. She says "fuck you" at least three times and constantly tries to push him away. But, the attraction and sheer force of the two of them is too strong. Eventually, she stops saying "fuck you" and begins whispering "fuck me". It's so poignant and perfect. I get it. I so get it.

It's like everything always comes back to him. Carrie says that New Yorkers are always looking for three things: 1) an apartment, 2) a job and 3) a boyfriend. I've got the apartment and the job. Why does 2 out of 3 feel like it adds up to zero?

Would a clean break be good? Or would it damage an unbreakable, special love that I'll never feel with anyone else? Is it fair to try to start something with someone else when Brian is always in the back of my mind? It doens't help that I am so inside my own head and over analyze everything word that comes out of his mind.

I'd love to be in a relationship where the person just says what they feel - no reading between the lines, no interpreting. I'd love a relationship where I don't have to wonder what the other person is doing when I'm not around. I'd love a relationship where we could just be open - go to movies, hold hands on the street, etc.

I guess I only have myself to blame. I knew exactly what I was doing. I have the shovel and have dug a pretty deep hole. I guess I'm at the point where I've stopped digging, but am still in the hole. I can try to climb out or I can just keep digging for buried treasure that may not be there.

Sex in the City

Not be confused with the amazing TV show, Sex and the City.

I've learned that among the gay community, there seems to be a total lack of sexual standards. Of course, that is a generalization. But, the more I see, the less I like the scene.

I went to two gay bars with some people on Friday. We had a lot of fun, but there was "sex" everywhere. It seemed like everyone's goal was to find another person to have sex with. One of the guys in our group even left to go to some random guy's hotel room. The whole scene was so vapid and shallow.

Another example. I've been on Craigslist a lot lately. It's a great site to find roommates, especially in a city where it's almost impossible to afford a one-bedroom apartment solo. But, they also have personal ads. I've checked them out - all kinds. The women who are looking for men are usually looking for dates / boyfriends. The men who are looking for women are usually looking for casual dating. The men who are looking for me are looking for sex. And it's not just "sex," these posts are so explicit. They tell you exactly what they want and how they like it. And, of course, they always post pics of their dick.

The subject lines are the worst part. "Old bear looking for young, hung cub," "Discreet married man looking for twink bottom," "Black guy looking for golden shower". Has the culture really sunk this low? Do people have suck little self-respect that they do this? I can't fathom going over to a stranger's house and letting them use me. It seems that people are just reduced to things, to sex objects. I am not a thing.

Call me old-fashioned. If I'm gonna sleep with someone, it's gonna take a little more than a response to an email. You wanna get in my pants? Um...you're gonna have to work for it. And, if you only want me for what I've got behind my AE boxer briefs, then you're out of luck. What ever happened to love? Sure, I've slept with one person before I was in love with him, but the love quickly caught up.

How can people have such a graphic physical connection with someone without, at least, a somewhat strong emotional connection?

My Impromptu Trip To Yonkers

To start, I'll bring you up to speed. I went into the city to look at an apartment and then take a second look at the apartment that I had seen and loved last week. The one apartment wasn't too great, but the one that I was really interested was perfect, even thought I got the smaller room. Ari and I talked for at least an hour on the balcony and watched the sun set. By 9:00 I had to go and start my long trip back to NJ.

I called my dad and talked with him until I got to the bus stop on Madison near Mount Sinai. I didn't have to wait long. My metro card didn't work when I got on the bus, which is weird because I have an unlimited card, but the driver was nice enough to let me ride anyway. I didn't really even need to take the bus, but I didn't feel like walking 7 blocks through Harlem to the subway. I kind of zoned out - it'd been a long day. I, eventually, realized that we didn't turn onto Central Park North. I was kinda concered, but figured that they were stopping a little higher up since it was late. No. We didn't stop. We didn't stop at 125th street. We didn't stop at 149th street. Shit. This is when I realize that this is an express bus. Fuck.

We didn't make any stops in Manhattan. I realized I was in trouble when I didn't see tall buildings, taxis or anything familiar. I guessed that we were heading to the Bronx and then I could just turn around. No. We were not going TO the Bronx. We were going THROUGH the Bronx. I don't get stressed out too badly, but I was starting to freak out. I had little cash and was sooooo far from where I needed to be. Michele was traveling and Kasey is Ohio - so it was all up to me. Sink or swim.Eventually, I asked the driver how to get back to Manhattan. He told me to go under a bridge and take the M20 to Woodlawn and then take the 4 through the Bronx. Okay. I've got a plan.

I had to go to a gas station to get quarters because the bus only accepts coins or metro cards (ps: a very inefficient system). I ask for direction again just to make sure everyone is telling me the same thing. The guy tells me to take the M20 and then the subway, which is the same thing that the driver said. But, he added that taking the M20 would take me TO the Bronx. "Um...I'm not in the Bronx?" I asked. No, I was in Yonkers. It must have looked so stupid.

I get to the bus stop and there was this old lady sitting there. She started talking to me about how she had to work late at Burger King. I read her nametag - her name was Nazire. She has a thick Eastern European accent. In my mind, I decided she was from Ukraine. I figured she was crazy. But, she seemed nice and I wanted to talk to somebody...anybody. We had a good conversation and she told me how to get back to Manhattan. She made me promise that I would take a cab if I got lost. So many cars past, but no buses. Then...a bus came. Hallelujah! It was an express bus. It could take me from Yonkers straight to Manhattan down 5th Avenue. But, since it was an express bus, it was more money and I didn't have enough quarters.

Eventually the M20 came and we both go on. We sat together and talked a little more and I complimented her on the blanket she was crocheing. 15 minutes later we get to the station and both get off. I thanked her and she shook my hand. To me, that wasn't good enough. I gave her a hug and told her she was my angel. The subway was pretty standard, but it had way more stops than I'm used to because we went though the Bronx and then into Manhattan.

I walked about 8 blocks to the train station, which looked like heaven when I saw it. I felt like everything was okay because I was in familiar territory. I get to NJ Transit only to find that I have to wait 45 minutes for the next train, which was a local train and made a dozen stops before Princeton Junction. And there was a Yankees game and the fans were crazy. They were yelling and screaming. "Fuck this," and "Boston sucks" were common phrases on the train.

The whole time I'm worried about Bogey because he had been alone so long (of course he did pee and poop on the carpet, but it wasn't his fault). I worried about my car because I didn't have much gas and all the gas stations were closed because the attendant has to pump your gas in NJ. I am still worried that I'm going to be a zombie tomorrow. It's 3:07 and I've got to get up at 4:45. But, of course, now I'm not tired.

It was a crazy night! One small mistake turned into an extra 2 hours to my trip. But, in the end, it all worked out. I'm safe in my bed. I was fortunate to meet Nazire, my Ukranian angel. So. That is the story of my impromptu trip to Yonkers.

Like a Virgin

So last night was my second adventure with Soman - the term "date" doesn't really to fit. We met up with his friends (Emily, Serena, Nico and Memo). We went to Blossom, an organic vegan restaurant in Chelsea. I was such a typical Southwest Virginian when I checked out the menu at work. I turned up my nose and thought everything was going to suck and that I'd desperately need a cheeseburger afterwards.

But, I was really, really surprised. The meal was amazing! I got crispy Thai tofu with bok choy. I could eat it everyday (if it wasn't so expensive). The food, wine, conversation was really great. I know that I'm kinda shy and awkward, but tend to warm up after a while, so I hope they liked me. But then again, friends aren't something I really active look for, so hopefully they want to get together again.

After dinner, I planned on catching the train and being home by 11:30-ish. That didn't happen. We went to one gay bar (um...is there any other kind in Chelsea?). It was really intimidating. I was still dressed in my work clothes and I had my bag. And the guys were so gorgeous. With their perfect hair, clothes, bodies, tans - how can I compete? But, after a $7 screwdriver I began to open up and have fun.

Next we went to another gay bar and danced with Emily and Serena. I also think I told Emily that we should have babies so I could tell the people in my office that I found the right woman. By 1:00 am everyone was getting tired so we all went our separate ways. Soman went uptown, Memo went home, I'm not sure where Emily went, and Serena and I walked to the subway.

Of course I had to pee and couldn't find a bathroom anywhere. Story of my life. But, Serena had me run into a really nice restaurant and use their bathroom. I think the fact that I was professinally dressed helped. We got to the subway - she went to Brooklyn and I went to Penn Station. The train ride home was hellish because it was a local train and stopped at every station. There must have been a baseball game because the train was packed with people in Yankees' shirts. There was a dad and son sitting across from me so I couldn't stretch out and sleep. Eh, it was not a fun ride home.

But, at 3:00 am I finally made it home. My virgin experience in Chelsea was a lot of fun. I met some great people and had a good time. I'm not sure if any friendships will emerge, but I think I'd like to join the group. I guess time will tell.

Quirk

Okay, so most people have little quirks. Most people know that peeing in public restrooms in my quirk. I can't do it. My bladder could be practically bursting and I can't go. Let me clarify. It's not public restrooms, but rather public urinals when there are others around. I don't know where this little phobia came from, but it's quite clear that it's here to stay.

So, funny story. Well, it wasn't funny at the time, but I can look back and laugh. I was looking at an apartment the other day. It was wonderful! My and the one guy talked for an hour and a half. We really clicked (or at least I think we did - he hasn't called me back yet). He offered me a bottle of water, which I took since it was uber hot. Around 7:00 he had to pick up some furniture, so I left and was walking to another apartment I was looking at (this one sucked). I realized I had to pee and NYC doesn't have many public restrooms.

I found a gas stations and figured I'd buy something and go. Well, it was actually on an exterior door on the front of the station. I walk in and the room is tiny with three urinals two inches apart. Fuck! But, since I can literally feel myself developing a urinary tract infection from holding it, I try my best. There was no ventilation, so it sooooo hot. I'm sweating like crazy and trying to mentally will myself to pee. I managed a little bit (after what felt like hours). Eventually I got fed up and left. I was pretty much done, but still had to go.

So, I went to Taco Bell and bought a bottle of water just to use the bathroom. I'm not really sure the point of the story. But, when I told it to others they thought it was hilarious. I guess if you know me and know how neurotic I can be, you can picture me in this situation. Eh, everyone is quirky in some way.

Apartment Hunt: #1

Um...no. I saw an ad for a two bedroom apartment on 73rd street, which is a great location. I emailed the guy and he called me to set up an appointment to see the room. I was excited and kinda nervous. I've lived with roommates before, but I knew them pretty well. So, I go into the city on my day off, take the subway to 77th and then walk to 73th and 1st.

The street was BEAUTIFUL. It was quite, clean and lined with trees. The front of the building was pretty nice. Then I got buzzed in the front door and it was pretty much downhill from there. The hallway was so narrow. Luckily, I'm pretty thin because I fat person would not fit in this building. I walk to the 4th floor on tiny, narrow stairs. The guy opens the door and meets me. He was really cute, even though he was probably mid-thirties.

I walk through the front door into the kitchen and what do I see? A shower! Yes, in addition to a small stove and refrigerator, there was a shower stall in the kitchen. Then I see the "bedroom," which was really nothing more than a small full bed next to a wall. One wall does not a room make. Essentially, you walk through the one "bedroom" to get to the other and then you have to walk through both to get to the bathroom. The "bathroom" was a small room with a toilet. In order to flush, you had to pull a cord from the ceiling. Is this an apartment or a Saudi prison?

The living room was gorgeous. It had two big windows, high ceilings, and nice furniture. The guy who would be my roommate was really nice and would have been a perfect roommate. He is a flight attendant, so he's constantly traveling. However, that really isn't enough of a perk to shell out $2400 to move in. It would be perfect if it was just me or me and a boyfriend, but for two strangers, it just wouldn't work.

I took some pics and thought about it for a few blocks. Then I realized I'd be an idiot to settle. I was feeling really down. I know it is naive to think that I'd find a fantastic apartment the first time I looked, but I'm so ready to move into the city. I'm ready to have my space that is mine. I'm read for a place to put all my stuff. I'm ready to start the life that I have pictured in my mind.

Well, Carrie and Big had to look at 33 crappy apartments before they found heaven on 5th. I'm sure I've got many more hilariously crappy apartments to go before I find "the one".

Apartment Hunting

I've finally begun looking for apartments. It's a daunting task, especially in New York. I have a few leads and have sent out a couple emails. I'm actually visiting one tomorrow. It's a four bedroom in a good part of the Upper East Side. It's on 60th street, which is close enough to the hospital, but also close to the center of the city.

I don't wanna get my hopes up, but I do look forward to blogging from a desk in front of a window like Carrie does in Sex and the City. We'll see. I finally go the internet up and running on my computer so I can start uploading some of the pics of the city I took a few weeks ago.

I'm feeling really good right now. I am beginning to feel comfortable with my job. I'm starting to get to know the city and not feel as lost. I can find my way around and when people say they need the 6, C, 3 or the M2, I know what they're talking about and how to find them.

Here's hoping for a good outing on my apartment hunting tomorrow...

Alone

I do this to myself all the time. I like to be alone and then I feel lonely. It would be great if there was a way I could be alone and not lonely. Oh wait, that's how I feel around Brian. Comfortable. Relaxed. Fulfilled. But that's kinda not an option right now, or ever...who knows.

I can't tell if it's because my self-confidence is so low that I worry what others are thinking about me...all the time. I wish that I could just do my thing and not care what people think. Sometimes I think that most people don't really care. I think that I am so inside my own head that I just make things up and then get all worked up over nothing.

Sometimes I think that I just have too much time to think. I feel kinda like I'm stuck between two worlds. I've got my home life with Michele and Kasey and then I've got my New York life at work. I don't see a point in trying to make friends with people in Jersey. I don't see the point in trying to make friends with people in New York yet since it'll be at least another six weeks before I move into the city. I love the people I work with and I'm excited about New York, but sometimes I worry that I'm just going to do the same thing I did in Radford. I'll go to work, go to the gym, go running in the park and then go home. I don't go out - it doesn't matter if it's Sharkeys or Studio 54.

Sometimes I just wish that I could not think or feel. Sometimes I wish I could just go on autopilot. But then again, is autopilot living? Is constantly wondering what other think living?

The Messiah's Broken Promises

I voted for Obama, but I'm beginning to think it was a mistake. I don't know what I was expecting. I guess I thought things would get better. He is such a wonderful speaker and I really believed all the things he said.

I thought electing Obama would mean a huge leap forward in equality. I still can't get married. Nothing really seems to have changed. I feel like he said everything he said just to get my vote and now that he's in office, he doesn't need me. I know that many in the gay community feel disillusioned and deceived.

Also, the economy is still terrible. I'm lucky to even have a job and it doesn't look like it's going to be getting better soon. I'm sure my check is going to be an even bigger disappointment. I understand why taxes are important. I know it costs money to build bridges, fund schools, and pay for police, firefighters, etc. However, I don't think that I should lose 1/3 of my paycheck to pay for healthcare for smokers who get lung cancer, lazy people who would rather collect unemployment than get a job, or to fund prisons so inmates can watch HBO and eat 3 meals a day.

With that attitude I feel like I should vote Republican. Ick. I know. But, I feel like being gay and a republican just don't mix. I know their stance on gay marriage and it's a deal-breaker. The idea of compromising my demand for equality for more money in my paycheck seems wrong.

So, I feel stuck. I don't wanna vote for the Republican candidate who hates me to my face. Nor, do I want to vote for the Democrat who is going to lie to my face and hate me behind my back.

Customer Service

I spent my weekend relaxing. Nothing exciting or new, but after a week of excitement and challenges, I was looking forward to slowing down. I went to Sam's Club today to pick up a few things we needed.

I was shocked at the customer service at Sam's Club. It was terrible. I asked one of the associated where to find 5 hour energy. He didn't know. He said to check one end of the store and then another if I couldn't find it. Then I asked someone else. I walked up to him and said okay, like he was giving me permission to ask him a question. I got to the store 30 minutes before they closed and was still shopping when the announcer said the store was closing and everyone needed to check out.

I got the check out line only to find two of the cashiers were getting cashed out. The "manager" was wearing a New York Yankees (this Sam's Club was in Princeton) and I saw him eat some cookies from the bakery. The cashier was slow and in a bad mood. I guess I should have apologized that I was inconveniencing her.

Life is all about customer service. I'm in customer service. Dr. Sealfon is my customer. My mom is in customer service. The pastor and church are her customers. My sister is in customer service. Her clients are her customers. Hell, even relationships are a form of customer service. They require constant attention and work to make sure the other person is happy while also making sure you are satisfied. There's point if the customer is happy and the worker is miserable.

I guess the bookstore was different. Me and the other people that worked there were always considerate and friendly. We never made customers feel as though they were a bother. I was usually genuinely happy to help other people. Maybe it's just me. I know that working in some places (Starbucks, Sam's club, McDonalds) may not be very rewarding or fulfilling, but does it make sense to make other people unhappy just because you are unhappy.

If you are going to do a job, you should just do it with a smile and to the best of your ability.

First Week

I finished my first week at work. I really enjoy it. It's a challenge, but I think it forces me to be better than I think I can. It forces me to not accept mediocrity.

I think the only part that is not working is the commute. I get up at 4:30, catch the train at 6:14, get to Penn Station at 7:15, ride the subway, and make it to work a little after 8:00, which is still almost an hour before I need to be there.

I figure it's good to be early so my boss can see that I am working hard and willing to go above and beyond. My boss is a really nice guy. He has high expectations, but he has a lot of responsibilities and he needs someone to keep him organized. It's very NOT Miranda Priestly from The Devil Wears Prada. The rest of the people in the office are nice and I think I'm starting to charm them with my humor.

There was one moment that kind of reminded me of The Devil Wears Prada. I was charged with the job of finding 500 milligrams to 1 gram of L- and R+ Baclofen to use in a human, clinical trail. What? Where am I gonna find that? But, search I did. And, as of 3:30 yesterday, I may have found a drug company that is willing to make the drug. It reminded me of the scene where Andie had to find two copies of the unpublished Harry Potter manuscript for Miranda's twin daughters.

I thought I was used to my new schedule, but then I slept until 1:30 this afternoon. I guess I'm not as used to my new sleep routine as I thought. Ah well, I think it's time to hit craigslist and see what apartments are out there.

New Beginnings

This blog title has two meanings. First, starting my new job in New York is a new chapter in my life. Second, New Beginnings is the name of Mount Sinai's new employee orientation program. I attend New Beginnings on Monday. It was a very brief overview of hospital policies and procedures. It was dry at times and interesting at times, particularly when Dr. Ken Davis (Mt. Sinai's President / CEO) spoke to us. I could have done without the scavenger hunt throughout the hospital - I'm not a freshman in college. But, hey, it was creative and I got to walk around a little, so I'll cut them some slack.

My first day was a whirlwind. I got to the office before anyone else, which was nice b/c I had a chance to get settled. The phone rang and I had no idea what to do. Of course, I answered it and fumbled my way through and was able to transfer it. The second call went a little better. Dr. Sealfon took me to the 20th floor for cappuccino. I told him that I loved cappuccino. Then, when he asked me how I liked my coffee I had no idea what to say. I don't drink coffee, so I just said however he liked his coffee. That's the dumbest answer ever!! Ah well, it was nice to sip coffee and chat.

I got a few projects that I'm still working on. I'm currently trying to find a drug company that will sell us L-Baclofen to use in a human trail. If anyone has any lying around, send some my way. I'm also working on contacting a publisher to get the rights to a book so the hospital can publish the second edition. So, if anyone from the bookstore is reading this, I might be giving you a call :-)

Today, my second day, was a lot better. I am beginning to feel comfortable, but I've still got a long way to go. The biggest challenge is finding names and phone numbers. The online directory is pitiful! Everyone else has a huge book with every department listed. I don't have a copy yet...and I desperately need one. Other than that, I've begun organizing faculty away forms, scheduling meetings for a potential recruit and keeping up with Dr. Sealfon's calendar.

My coworkers are really nice - Katherine, Swann and Susan are really nice. I think I'm starting to let my humorous side show and I think they like it. Everyday is challenging and I'm constantly on my toes. It's like my job in Admissions...but on steroids. I think that I'll really be able to distinguish myself through hard work and perseverance.

But hey, it's only been two days. I've got a long way to go.

Rob Vs The Subway

$30 a day for a cab ride uptown in the morning and a cab ride downtown after work would get ridiculously expensive. I realized that the cheapest and quickest way to get to work after I got to Penn Station would be the subway.

The subway. An elaborate, interconnected system of tunnels that run throughout the five boroughs. I had done my research and concluded that I could take the F right from Penn Station, change at Lexington / 63rd to the 6 and take that to Lexington / 103rd. That would put me about 10 minutes from the hospital. That worked, hypothetically.

When I finally got into Penn Station, the F train was no where to found. Since I had a lot of free time, I knew I could ride the subway I figured it out. I ended up taking the C to the 7 to F to the 6. It sounds like a very confusing math problem. It was.

Eventually, I figured it out. To get to work, I'll take the train from NJ to Penn Station and then walked about 6 blocks to the 6 train. It's a lot easy to just walk a few blocks to a station where I can catch one train that takes me exactly where I need to go, rather than changing stations 4 times. People say that New Yorkers are unfriendly, but when I and this other guy were trying to find the 6 people helped us out. Four or five people gave advice to help us get where we were going. And, I think I'll remain my friendly self. A mother needed help getting her two kids in a stroller up the subway steps, so I offered to help her. I picked up the bottom of the stroller and helped her. I think NYC gets a bad reputation.

After I figured out how I would commute each day, I still wasn't ready to leave. It was about 12:30 and didn't want to head back to NJ yet. I went to Penn Station from the 6 station and take the 1 all the way uptown. It goes directly to 103rd from Penn Station. But, it's on the Upper West Side. Central Park separates me from where I was and where the hospital is located. I figured I could give it a try...maybe it'd be quicker. No. No, it wasn't.

I walked through Central Park and talked to Lora while she was on her lunch break. It was really nice. It was really nice until it started raining. I got caught in the rain in the middle of the park...in flip-flops. My feet were killing me. Today, my feet hurt so badly from the walking and the rain.

In the end, though, I feel like I have kinda figured out the subway. I know that I'll be able to make it to work on time. There's still a lot to learn, but I think I'll make it just fine.

Little Brother

In Radford I was an expert. I knew the campus, offices, and people like the back of my hand. People came to me with questions. If someone had a question, there's a good chance that I knew the answer.

However, now that I'm in New Jersey I find myself back in the role of little brother. My sister is a savvy, research consultant. She travels the world and seems to know everything. I realize that there is so much that I don't know. I don't know if what my sister knows is something that comes with experience.

I can't wait for a time when she has to rely on my expertise. I can't wait for the day when my older sister and I are equals.

Why New York is Better than Radford

I think I've discovered why I like New York so much more than Radford. Now don't get me wrong, I still like Radford. It was a great place to go to college. It was a wonderful place for growth and self-discovery. I think I can take my experiences in Radford and use them.

But, everyday in Radford is the same. When my roommates would ask me how my day was, I would usually say that it was okay. I would wake up, go to work, go to class, come home, hang out and then go to bed. Everyday was the same. Sure, there were some interesting days - like when the deer broke into New Student Programs, when Debbie found a mouse under her desk, and when one of the tour guides went crazy and stabbed a girl. The sites, sounds, and people of Radford are all the same. After 4 years it became mundane.

New York is never mundane. I went into the city to complete my drug test. I got to Penn Station and decided to walk to the lab. Did I know exactly how to get there? Of course not. But, I'm smart and I figured it out. I walked from 34th and 8th Ave to 23rd between 5th and 6th Avenue. I walked through Chelsea, which has a strong gay pride feeling. I saw many restaurants and shops with flags. It was nice, even though I was wearing khakis and my stupid clogs. Ugh, I really need to redo my wardrobe.

Anyway, the neighborhood was interesting and new. Chelsea is completely different from the Upper East Side (where I'm going to be working). Each neighborhood has its own unique flavor. When I finally found the lab I had ended up having to wait two hours to be seen. Yes, I had to wait two hours to pee in a cup, which took me about 30 seconds. The place was packed with people and I think I was one of very few people who was not there to get tested as a condition of their parole.

It was an errand, but it was fun. Walking down the street is fun. It's new and exciting. I knew that even if I were to go back to the same streets tomorrow, they will have changed. The people will be different. Everything will be different. While Radford is static, New York is dynamic.

Everyday is something new...and I like it.

First Day in New York!!

I could count my interview as my first day in New York, but I don't. I was only there briefly and I was with my stepbrother for most of the time. Today, however, I was completely on my own. It was a wonderful day, albeit interesting and stressful at times. I'd like to capture today for myself and share it with my friends in Radford.

So I wake up about 5:45, shower, get dressed and leave around 7:20 without eating breakfast. I make it to the train station with no problems until I could find a parking spot and had to park in some ghetto lot. I got my ticket and got on the first train heading to New York. Unfortunately, I got on a local train, which stops at every station between Princeton Junction and Penn Station. I heard the conductor tell a lady we'd get into NYC at 9:32. WHAT? We left at 8:04 AND I had an appointment at 10:00. Well, that's just great. I'm getting fire for being late before I even start. I got to NYC at 9:32 and was able to get a cab pretty quickly. We sat in traffic forever and I ended up being 10 minutes late to my appointment.

BUT, since they were running behind and I had to wait 1 hour and 15 minutes it didn't really matter. I got my physical - the nurse was a riot. I then got my ID picture taken and then went to get my blood work done. It ended up taking me 30 minutes to walk to my fourth task, but there was nice breeze and 101st has a lot of beautiful buildings. I didn't have time to get my drug test done today, so I took the rest of the day to just explore and enjoy.

I walked through Central Park. It was gorgeous!! Everyone talks about New York being loud, polluted and crowded. BUT, there were parts of the park where I was completely alone. It was clean and the people were friendly. I took some pics, which will be on Facebook soon. There was a man-made pond where people can rent remote-controlled boats. It was so much to sit on a bench, enjoy the cool afternoon and people watch.

I wanted to be productive so I decided to find the subway. I had a blurry map that said there was a subway station on Lexington. I couldn't read the intersecting street numbers, but thought I'd give it a shot. I ended up exploring the neighborhood and finding the station. One part was sad. I bought a Gatorade only to have a drop of water from a bridge splash on the mouth piece. Ah well. I still wasn't ready to leave. I went to 5th Avenue and walked from 101st to 56th. I passed Gucci, Prada, Bergdoff Goodman, Louis Vuitton - ah, paradise. Someday. Someday, I'll be able to afford that.

By 5:30 I realized that I still had a long train ride and moderate drive home. I got a cab to Penn Station, got my ticket and rushed to the train. I'm starting to get good at it. I know how to read the monitors to know when my train is boarding, when it's leaving, what kind of train it is, and what track it's on. I was so tired on the way that I started to doze off. I finally got home around 7:30 and had dinner, watched some TV with my sister and brother-in-law and now I'm ready for bed.

It's too early to tell, but I think I like it. I like the feeling on New York - the people, the attitude, the variety and diversity. I am so lucky to have a place to live in New Jersey, but I'm really looking forward to moving to the Upper East Side and being on my own.

Well, this was just my first day. I can't wait for the adventure to come...